How do you deal with friends with problems conceiving their first child?

@much2say (35715)
United States
October 15, 2009 11:03am CST
My husband and I are considered older parents. We thank our lucky stars that we have a little one with another on the way. We have friends who are our age that are having problems conceiving their first child and quite often I find myself not knowing what to say. One excited friend gave me premature news that her home pregnancy test said she was pregnant, and was so excited we would have a child that would be nearly the same age as ours. By the end of the week, she got her period - and that was the end of that. I want them to be hopeful, but I don't want to say anything too hopeful in case they are never able to have kids (no one can guarantee something like that). I don't want to bring up the topic of adoption . . . that's a personal choice in which they may not want to talk about. Being on Facebook, I found a few old friends who are having this problem. So I think of them, and I feel bad giving status reports about my pregnancy or news about my oldest one. How do you deal with friends who are having problems like this?
4 responses
@jessi0887 (2794)
• United States
15 Oct 09
I know how you feel. I have friends who dont' have children yet. The thing is they aren't trying right now so i dont' feel so self concious about me talking about my son. So its hard for me to give you advice but i certainly wouldn't stop posting updates on facebook. They aren't going to be mad at you if they are true friends. If anything they should be happy for you. Within time they will seek the help they need. GOOD LUCK!
@much2say (35715)
• United States
15 Oct 09
It's sooooo different if your friends are trying. It took us a while to concieve our second child, so I understand many of the feelings of friends who are trying, but are not successful. It's rather heartbreaking. I remember looking at other pregnant tummies and moms with 2 or more kids . . . and I would just tear up inside. It's something you want so badly that it eats at your heart. But you're right, I shouldn't stop posting my personal updates on Facebook - afterall, that is my life. I'm sure these friends are happy for me, at the same time, I wish they could have the kid(s) that they so badly want. Thanks!
@jessi0887 (2794)
• United States
16 Oct 09
Well I can tell you ive also had that feeling. I only have one and have wanted another one for a long time. But my fiance and i can't do it right now. The thing is i will see my sister who is soo much younger then me having her second one and i just want to cry and scream thinking its soo unfair. She is in the process of divorce too and doesn't have a job or nothing.
@much2say (35715)
• United States
17 Oct 09
We couldn't do it (the second one) for a long time either . . . and it was heartbreaking for me every time I saw someone else pregnant with their second already. I can imagine how you feel about your sister . . . but as envious you can be of her, remember she will be going through some hard times at the same time.
@mmbabymm (36)
• United States
20 Oct 09
being supportive i think is the best thing here. but feeling bad about your status updates shouldn't even happen. they are supposed to be your friends no matter what, and they met you maybe before you had children or during a pregnancy, who knows? i think that as long as you are not rubbing it in their faces i think it's ok... (but i'm sure that you're not rubbing it in their faces)
@much2say (35715)
• United States
20 Oct 09
Yes, I try to be supportive, but sometimes I don't if I'm saying the right things. I want to be hopeful for them, but then again I don't want to get their hopes up high in case they are ultimately not able to conceive. Everyone is right - Facebook is where I can share my life, so friends should be friends no matter what. I don't think I rub it in their faces . . . but you know how some people can get real senstive about things. I remember when we were trying for our second one . . . even though I was happy for others who were already pregnant, I couldn't help but feel envious inside.
• Japan
19 Oct 09
This is such a sensitive subject. I got lucky with my first child, got pregnant right away but then lost my 2nd at 4 months pregnant. I wanted to cry so much seeing other pregnant women!! But it worked out okay. I think if your friends are real friends they will understand your joy if having children even if they can't. I know that watching my friends get pregnant and having kids I was just as excited for them, even though my own heart was broken. I somehow could seperate my emotions, my happiness for them and my saddness at my own situation, does that make sense? Also tell your friends not to give up, mircales do happen. A good friend of mine gave up trying to have children. She was in a bombing, pieces of shapernal were embeded in her body, including her uterus. She married at 24 but couldn't get pregnant, doctors said it would be impossible. At 40 she gave birth to her first child and had two more in the next 3 years!!! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
@much2say (35715)
• United States
19 Oct 09
Arigato, dreamjapan-san . . . yes, it is a very sensitive subject! I am sorry about your loss with the second one. I, too, was lucky to have my first one in a blink of an eye . . . the second one took over a year and it was getting frustrating. I think my friends are happy for me, yet at the same time I'm sure they are heartbroken as well, though they may not always say so. That's a wonderful story about your friend . . . that's awesome she was able to have 3 kids later on even though it seemed hopeless. That truly is a miracle!
• India
16 Oct 09
I too have a friend who married 14 years ago not conceived yet. Sometimes I feel very bad about her luck as they tried each and every remedies. I wont talk about my children with her but sometimes she comes to my house and spends sometime with my kids. I think there is no hope left for her now and in my mind always wanted her to suggest to adopt a child. But it still in my mind not told with her.
@much2say (35715)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Oh, I'm so sorry for your friend. Yes, and I feel for the ones who have already tried everything they could in order to conceive . . . must be so heartbreaking for them. I guess I still do talk about my children too them, afterall they are a big part of my life and cannot be ignored . . . I feel like if I don't talk to them about it, they would be suspicious about why I would hold back on the subject and make them feel worse. Such a tough subject. Adoption is always an option, but a touchy topic as not all couples are agreeable to it.