Bye Bye

@erikmama (12929)
United States
December 6, 2009 9:13pm CST
How do you know when a relationship is over? Have you been in a relationship that you have no idea why you are still in? That's my issue. The relationship has been 6 years.We have a son.He has been both verbally and physically abusive to me,put me through straight he!! for the entire relationship. The past few weeks he has been trying. But I am a product of what he has turned me into. I'v e learned not to cry, not to talk, not to feel pain, to deal with the fussing and complaining,yelling, and anger. He expects things to snap right back into place.I've been hurt,badly.I'll never be the same, and i'll never let him hurt me like this again. I think the love has been long gone.I dont know why I am even with him now.I have hate for this man ill never get rid of.
2 people like this
19 responses
@lelin1123 (15634)
• Puerto Rico
7 Dec 09
You just said it, the relationship is over for you when you say "you hate him". That is plain and simple. If you don't feel anything for him at all then put an end to it. Once he started with the abuse you should have ended the relationship right then and there. Once a man abuses they don't really stop. Usually that is because that is all they know. Unless they get therapy. As for you I understand how you feel because he has abused you so bad that there is know turning back to the good times. I don't understand at the end you say "I have hate for this man that you're never get rid of". What does that mean? You are going to stay with him even though you hate him? Please explain why? Or did I not understand??
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
7 Dec 09
yea,you have a point there.I should have ended it a long time ago,but I seem to keep going back to him for some reason and have made it acceptable to him.I dont remember any good times,to be quiet hoenst with you.The mess started almost immediatley,though physixal was almost a year later.I think I have brotherly love for him,but not like it use to be.And once I loved him so much you wouldnt believe it!
@lelin1123 (15634)
• Puerto Rico
7 Dec 09
He has broken you down with the abuse that is why the love is gone and rightfully so. You need to kick this relationship to the curb and stand up for yourself. Remember you deserve so much better. Fight for yourself and your well being. Take care.
• United States
7 Dec 09
One simple question.... Do you want your son to be the same kind of man? If no.. THEN LEAVE!! If you stay, one day, your son (statistically speaking) will abuse a woman just as you have been abused. Honey... get out.. contact your local victims advocate program/ domestic violence shelter, and begin the process. Blessings to you.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
7 Dec 09
Abuse can be hereditary..hi..that scares me so much. Thanks so much for your blessings...i need them!
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
7 Dec 09
My message did not go all the way...i was sating his dad abused his mom,but she left when he was 5 years old...the man is 34 now and from what i know just like him
@pillow08 (97)
• Philippines
7 Dec 09
You are the only one who can help yourself, dear. You seem to already know what to do, you are just scared of the changes. No matter how much encouraging words we offer to you, you are the one to make the final decision. You may feel changed, even damaged, but why not turn that into something positive? Try taking the first step towards change, and you will see that things will fall into place. If may be scary at first, just like a baby learning to take its first steps, you may still fall and bruise yourself along the way, but at least you know that you are finally going somewhere, somewhere better. You are letting him hurt you continuously because you let yourself be damaged, by letting your self-esteem take the nosedive. And, THINK, what you are going through may have indirect effects on your child. I don't have a kid, but I used to be in an abusive seven year relationship, too. After we broke up, I thought I had no where else to go, my life seemed to take on a full stop and I didn't know how to start over. I took my courage up, and got a job in Bank, dated, hang out with friends, traveled, and I am having the time of my life. True enough, I have changed, but I made sure I changed for the better. It has been two years, I haven't been in any kind of relationship, but that's by choice, because I know now what I deserve, I know now my worth. I am sure that by and by, you will find yours too. Just be courageous, Dear.
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
7 Dec 09
Well,you are right.It is a hard situation for me and i know i dont feel the same way...i know hes hurt...i know i am miserable...so thts why i asked how you know when it is really over...is this what i am feeling?what if i regret it later? I do know one thins and that is i cant be anymore miserable than i am now. It is much more complicate when a child is involved,and i am unemployed with nowehre to go. Im glad you were brave enough to get out and are now focusing on yourself.Thats the most uimportant thing. Do you want another relationship?
• Philippines
7 Dec 09
First, about child support- I am sure there are laws in your country that would help single moms. Don't worry about being unemployed, if you are a little nervous about applying for job, you can do it slowly right now, before you even leave him so you wouldn't have to start completely with nothing. All you need to do is to START, take that first frightening step. Changes do not happen overnight. I will pray that you God gives you guidance, you deserve a lot better. Second, your relationship should have been over the moment he raised his hands on you, or even subjected you to verbal abuse. I believe it is OVER. You are not happy anyways. Over doesn't really mean you cease to be friends, if he is mature enough, he SHOULD respect your decision. I feel that you (both of you) need the space to grow. Third, it is not so much as wanting to be in a relationship. I'm just in no rush. I have met men from all walks of life, these two years. Some are millionaires, some are average, some are real smart, some are just fun, and witty; but so far, none of them has swept me off my feet. Admittedly, there was a moment that I would end up comparing them to my ex and they would fall short. Time only can heal the wounds, and when I finally realized that I have stopped comparing, that's when I learned I was ready for a new relationship... and I am now.
@Godmother (476)
• Indonesia
7 Dec 09
After 6 years everything becomes a habit and you tend to accept things like it was your "destiny" to suffer or be with him. And you have a child, which makes you want to consider twice before leaving. It's not easy for some women to take brave actions and leave just like that. Most women are afraid of change, so they try to adapt. I decided to leave and file divorce after I realize that my son is suffering too because of what he sees and hears. He's bound to grow up into a man with traumas, and may end up unhappy himself, because of his pursue of the peace and love that he never had during childhood. Our first and most important responsibility as a mother is to bring up our children to become good and happy people. If you can support your son independently, than it's better to leave, and begin a new life. There are a lot of gentle and caring men out there who can love you and your son. Read the book "Women who love too much" and you will understand.
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
7 Dec 09
I know..im so use to it all its became the norm for me,and i dont know what anything else is like anymore.And i miss it sooooooo bad.Im so afraid my son will be like him...my boyfriend is like his dad...and i dont want that.but it is even scarier to think of failing in life...he tells me ill never m,ake it... I love my kids,and you're right,I am so scared.Im afraid of being alone and of not having him there anymore-6 years is a long time.
• Indonesia
10 Dec 09
when you are this scared, it's time to make a change, and live for your son. Otherwise it will affect your health, and things will get worse with your son. Find out if you can get a job, or friends/family that can help you along the way after you leave him. Find a good church. God will help you.
@coldmoon (1091)
• France
7 Dec 09
For me, a relationship is over if you feel little of perspectives and emotions but full of tires and dissapointements. Sometime, we should count on the responsibility with the family, but don't turn it to a string that ties our neck.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
17 Dec 09
That's good. And I would like to add when you do not know what day to day holds for you in the relationshp, when if tomorrow he'll get mad and hit me, leave, or what.
@coolcoder (2019)
• United States
7 Dec 09
Get the heck out of that relationship ASAP! If he abused you once, he will do it again; you won't be able to change that. He has to WANT to change, and from what I'm reading in your post, he refuses to do it. It's going to be tough to get away and stay away from him, but it'll be worth it. Do it for yourself and your son; your child definitely doesn't need to stay around someone like this God bless you, and good luck.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
17 Dec 09
He is finally trying, but there are still old qualitites there and our relationship is to damaged to go through them. Our biggest problem is he thinks what he has done to me is not that bad, and I can not put into words what I went throughand thr things I felt. I wouldnt widh it on my worst enenmy! I want to go, but then again I don't I'm not happy, but who's to say leaving him will make me happy?
• United States
7 Dec 09
Sweetheart many of us have been in the same place you are right now and asked why. Stop asking and do something to change your life and your sons. My son was six when he asked mommy when can we move that's when I knew not only was it effecting me it was damaging my son also. In some cases like this it is much better for the parents to be apart rather than together. I remember being scared and worried about how I was gonna pay the bills feed my child etc. by myself. I did it and so can you. My son is 24 now and a father himself. Once you are out of this mess, in time you will find a good man one that is willing to tear down the walls piece by piece that you have built you will show emotion again. and you will feel blessed when you do. Take it from those of us that have been there and got out. Can't ask the ones that stayed their not allowed to talk or are no longer with us.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
17 Dec 09
I don't feel like a strong person. I know I am not the only one who has been there, and I applaud all the women who have had the courage to make it out. Part of me feels like I am partly to blame. Part of me wants it to work, just becuse we have inveted so much time already. But I can't fake the feelings that are long gone, and I dont wanna be miserable. I am financilly dependant on him as well.
• Romania
7 Dec 09
i dont understand why if you hate him you can leave him if you are what he made you if you know that why dont you change ? you confess that you ar diferent that means that you can change is you whant to but if you alwais throw the negativ thoughts you will alwais get negativ rezults :P thats what i think maybe i'm wrong what do i know i'm only 22
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
17 Dec 09
Well, because I am not a cruel person.He has dpone things for me, and he is the father of my child.I AM WAY TO CARING,and thats why I am asking this question. I have maybe a brotherly love for him, as well as hatred for the things he has done to me. It is so easy to think and say leave, untill you're in the situation. We have a child together, and he finacially supports me. I don't want to make a mistake I would later regret in life, and we have been together for 6 years, just me and him. He is all I know!I wish it were so easy to leave.I wish there wasnt time and stuff there...
@ladysakurax (1163)
• Canada
7 Dec 09
First of all, I am sorry to hear that. When I read your story, I feel that your situation was very similar to my mom. When there's verbal abuse, we can talk about it. But when there's physical abuse, I think you already know what you have to do. My dad made the life of my mom into hell for 3 years. He was extremely physically abusive. Till nowadays, he still denies the fact of what he did when I ask him. It took alot of time for my mom to be able to detatch herself from him. She kept on getting hope that he would change one day but he only did when I am now 23. I think you should take a decision and stick with it. You are probably hesitating because you are attatched to him and that's normal. If you take too much time to get a decision, it will be harder to split and you will have to endure this again and again. Life is soo short. You can't waste it on being unhappy and feel miserable. You might worry about the future and if you will be able to raise your son by yourself. But don't think about the future, just think of the present. Take one day at a time. No matter what your decision will be, I hope thigns will get better for you.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
17 Dec 09
My relationship has gotten somewhat better, but he still does the controlling things, and I think it is just to late for us. I am sorry to hear that your mom went through the same thing. I always hate to hear about it because when you can relate to something, it makes it so mush more close to home. I have nothing, and he is all I have known for 6 years.My life did a 360 after we met, and I admit, I am scared. But I also hear about the thigns I do, I think about how he's not as bad as some huys, and he does fo things for me, and I think maybe it is me, and leaving would be wrong.I keep thikning and hoping the old feelings will come back,just if...But I don't think they ever will, no matter what. I just don't know what to do.
@larish (2193)
• Philippines
7 Dec 09
Physical abuse to me is a no,no in a relationship. For me, it is a sign that the relationship is no longer healthy and must be ended. For me being abuse is the absence of respect. No respect is no love. So why nurture such relationship. This is just my opinion. If my husband hurt me physically, I will definitely leave him and have my own life.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
17 Dec 09
It is so much easier to say that when it has never happened to you! I always said I would never let a man hit me, then this. I know there are women who are stronger and won't take it, but it is really hard. Then add to the fact I am unemployed, we havea child together, and I have no where to go...Makes it hard. But there is the fact my health is suffering and I can no longer mentally take it,
@dorannmwin (36651)
• United States
7 Dec 09
You've taken the single most important step right here by admitting that the relationship is over. It takes everyone time to be able to admit that a relationship is over whether it's been a good relationship or bad and abusive as yours has been. The ways that you've been hurt are things that are going to take you a long time to get over and you are right, you are never going to be the same again. Now the most important thing that you need to do is to be strong for both yourself and for your son.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
7 Dec 09
I'll never be who I use to be.Ive matured,but there are still so many things I miss about the person I was before I met him. I know my feelings will never be the same.I know the relationship will never be good,and I know I can never love him 100% again.Ive put the guard up,and I dont think he would be willing to make the needed sacrifices,and that probably wouldnt change my feelings either.I want to do what is right.I want to be happy.I need to be happy.I need to feel something.Even if its nothing but tears.
@mzz663 (2778)
• United States
7 Dec 09
Hmmm.....Sounds like me a few years back. I walked around feeling like the shell of a person. No feelings of happiness, sadness, I was just there. I thought staying for my kids was the answer, and it wasn't. I seen how my older two kids have turned out and they have picked up a lot of the behaviors. At least my youngest has a chance of being different, not having to hear and see the negative stuff on a daily basis. Need some help? PM me....I could tell you how, after 20 years I got out of that relationship, takes a lot of courage on your part. Sounds like a lot of control issues. Was he by any chance in the Marine Corps?
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
8 Dec 09
Hi erikmama,I was in a very abusive marriage & we too had kids together. I KNOW how difficult it is to leave. You have to. It's really hard but you have to do it. Not just for your own peace and well being but for that of your son and all his future relationships. As long as he sees you being treated like this and putting up with it, he will grow to think that is how it is supposed to be.
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
17 Dec 09
As oppsed to monthsago he and our son have gotten closer. he has gotten a lot better with him, and me for that matter. I think it is to late to save it, even with the changes he is trying to make. I am glad to hear you were able to get out. You are a vary strong person!
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
17 Dec 09
Hi there, you too are very strong. Yes...it may be too late to save your relationship but if he can salvage something with your son...then it is all worth it. My daughters managed to maintain a decent relationship with their dad and while they know about the abuse...they don't remember it much. He was really open about it to them and I think they respected him for his honesty.
• United States
8 Dec 09
Im not sure I can be of much advice but I am in the same situation. After putting up with so many years of abuse you tend to withdraw from the person. By the time they release they going to lose you and then want to change its to late. How can someone expect you to take that and then want you to love them. I dont understand. I know after 20 years i could never have those feelings back, they are lost under years of verbal abuse. I cant trust him, the hurt is to deep. I have long stated i am only in the relationship for my children but now im thinking i should have bailed out early in the relationship. Take Care i hope you can find your way out before you waste half your life like i have.
@sunnycool (12736)
• India
7 Dec 09
I think you you should leave him coz you have given him enough chances for him to realise and despite of all those if he continues to do the same then its enough of suffering and you sghould bid him farewell.before doing so try to get an good job so that you can manage your expenses and give your a son a good life so that you dont have to go for anybodys help.gud day.
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
11 Jul 10
It took a really long time for me to realise it was me that was the one actually hurting. I am free of the relationship now,doing ok,but have a lot to go.It is much better now thatn ever when I was with him. My son deserves a good life,n I hope to give it to him!
• Philippines
7 Dec 09
It was over the moment he did not respect you or love you as his partner in life. Man and woman should have equal and mutual respect for each other. Sometimes we ask for extraordinary signs to determine if our partners are the right persons for us. But it is forgotten that the answers are sometimes found in ordinary circumstances. The fact that he is physically abusive means that he does not respect you. It is a one day street. Him being abusive and you being his trashbag. You cannot control what he does, but you can control yourself. Run away from him as soon as possible for your sake and for your child. You might not only end up in a hospital with him doing this...you might end up six feet below the ground. Do not allow him to take a hold of your precious life. If there is anyway to report him to your local authorities, then do so, for your sanity, for your peace of mind, for your son's emotional wellness and for yours above all. Love should not be manipulative nor violent, wherein you say you love the person, but your beat them up.
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
11 Jul 10
After such a long time life seems like it is so unattainable,so out of touch.You get use to not doing the things you once did, and I am even going to go as far as say almost brainwashed. I am now out of the relationship.We dont talk anymore,and I am happy like I have wanted to be ofor a long time.I still have a long road ahead of me because the man did a number on me.I have seen amazing changes in my son.He is happy now.It is so wonderful to see him smiling all of the time now. He doesnt want to talk to or see his dad.I hate that but he did it,not me.
@ersmommy1 (12595)
• United States
7 Dec 09
RUN don't walk away. It's had been done, over finished. A few weeks isn't long enough. Never going to be long enough. And heaven only knows what your son may have seen, or heard, or end up doing later, if you stay. Get away, find somewhere to try and heal. Find a place where it is just you and your son, show him how to treat people, women, YOU. I don't have to know you to know you and your son deserve better. I am sorry. I have been in similar shoes, without a child to think of, but similar. Too many have, you aren't alone.
• India
7 Dec 09
Its just a day, when you feels like your life is finished, one day she came at me n told me that its inugh.... i was unable to do a thing that time
• China
7 Dec 09
some sympathy for your situation,once the favorite was the way to hurt you now,perhaps time changed him,man is very difficult to digest,if he loves you,is really love you ,don't love ,also don't really love ,woman should learn how to protect themselves,no matter what happens to be ,if he is no longer love you ,but to hurt you, would rather divorce,to find true happiness