To Tell or Not To Tell...that is the question

@erikmama (12929)
United States
February 24, 2010 8:37pm CST
My friend had a baby 4 months ago. The baby is biracail(black and white). She ended up back with her old boyfriend,who is white,and he wanted to raise the baby.Now that the baby is here and 4 months old, she is clearly not his.Yet he seems to think she is(how I dont know). All of the people they associate with think she is his baby, as does her mom and dad. Now I know it is her choice to tell people or not, and I know it is really none of their business.BUT in another year or so it is not going to be able to be hid any longer. Her boyfriend says things such as she has his eyes...I am not sure HOW they do not see it.Then what will people say?I also feel like she is denyiong the child a part of who she is.I think that it could cause problems in the long run.Her parents would not be fond of it,but they love the baby to death. So I am wondering what you all think about it.Is it ok for her to keep it from everyone or should she tell atleast the closet people?
3 people like this
12 responses
@missybal (4492)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Okay so what do you mean by how can they not know? Is she white and the baby black and her boyfriend is white like her? Other than that it can be surprising some times that a child could not look like even either parent but it is. If he is so sure he's the dad and the timing matches up maybe he is the dad. I really don't know how to handle something like. I think I wouldn't want to say anything unless I was really really sure and I would talk to her about coming clean. But then again if everything is going well then I guess if that gets disrupted than the girl could have no dad at all in the end and that would be very sad.
2 people like this
@missybal (4492)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Rereading it it kind of seems like she and the baby may be black and the boyfriend is white... Is that right?
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
25 Feb 10
The baby's real father is black and my frind and her boyfriend are white. It is definate.The baby looks just like the real dad,has brown skin and jet black hair.My friend knows she is not her boyfriends.and he knew there was the chance.But for some reason he still thinks she is his biologically and my friend doesnt say anything to him, to friends, or family,and I feel like in the end the baby is going to suffer.Who knows what people will say when they find out? Her parents are not racist,but not to kind to their daughter being with a black guy.OK,maybe thats a racist.Anyways,I just wondered what others thought about it. I have been in this SAME situation,and as soon as my baby was born,I told everyone.I am proud of my kids,and to me it seems like maybe she is ashamed or something.I could and probably am wrong I dont know.
2 people like this
@missybal (4492)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Sounds like he's in denial. There are a lot of mixed families now and I don't doubt there will be even more by the time she's all grown up but they will most likely think he is her step dad. Yeah I wouldn't get involved. You would only become the person to blame if something goes wrong in their relationship. What's important is that it looks like the baby is surrounded by people who love her.
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
25 Feb 10
I don't see much of a problem other than the guy is trying to be a father, a good one, it shouldn't matter if the child is his or not, although the real father should know about it, at least to give him some kind of a chance, but this man seems to want to be the childs father I dont' see why he can't be.
2 people like this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Wow, maybe I didnt make this discussion a clear one.I salute him for wanting to raise the child, tahtis great and wonderful.He does know she might not be his,and it doesnt matter because it is his baby. My question is for friends, family members, etc.Should they know?He is white,the baby is brown skined.People apparantly do not see it and say the baby looks like him, etc.So I think in the long run the baby is going to get hurt by it all because sometimes people can be not so nice.
1 person likes this
@lelin1123 (15638)
• Puerto Rico
25 Feb 10
How could she not tell her boyfriend the truth from the beginning. I also can't believe that he would believe its his in the first place. She should have told the truth in the beginning now its going to be hard and she will end up hurting alot of people. However, one day it will come out because the truth usually does in all circumstances.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
26 Feb 10
Oh no, he knew there was a possibility that she was not hers, and said he would raise her either way,and that is so great.But the baby is obviuosally mixed,but he thinks she is still his.My friend doesnt say otherwise.All of their family thinks she is his as do friends and vco workers.I ithink that those closest to her should know.No it is none of their business but it would save a lot of confusion in the ends!! Yes, this si sokething that cannot be hid for very long.She is darjer thatn my son so I am still puzzled how none of them see it..
1 person likes this
@lelin1123 (15638)
• Puerto Rico
29 Jun 10
Thank you for the best response nod.
@Hatley (164282)
• Garden Grove, California
25 Feb 10
hi erikmama its a sad state of affairs when this kind of thing has to becleared up or mentioned or what not, I mean why cannot we all accept that people of different colors can fall in love and get married,and that is okay, that is right. then there would not have to be any explanations of who the father really is, as it stands you are probably right as you have had to cope with this in your own life.I think she should at least tell the closest people to her. I just hope that they will not be harsh and mean when finding this out, it should not really make any never mind but for some people it will I suppose. ag ain i think its sad that there are people like that still.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
26 Feb 10
I wish we did live in that world.But we dont atleast not here anyways. I dont think there should be an explanation for any reason except she is mixed, with a white couple, and withe whom all of those they assoicate with think this baby is his, as does he. There in for a surprise, and while nothing may be said, there is a chance that it iwill be said, adn I would truly hate for theat to happen. She is also missing out on knowing a part of herself that is important. I am so happy he is there for her, and most men wouldnt do it knowing there was a possiblilty like this one. But I dont wanna see people hurt over it.
@Mike4me (567)
• Philippines
25 Feb 10
I surely don't know what to say. I mean, there could be a lot of reasons why she looks that way. And if they are all happy about it, then let them. I'm sure happiness is important. And it's not your problem, you say it's none of their business so stay out of it. What's important is that, they are happy with the kid and they are happy together. If the mother chooses to live in lies then so be it, it's her life not yours, so just be there for her as a true friend.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
25 Feb 10
I actually am stayong out of it, which is why I posted the discussion on here...The baby is happy, and healthy, and I am not trying to interefere with that.But as a true friend, i should be thre to tell her things she might not be thinking about...dont you agree? I was just wondering if others felt as I did.It is something that is going to affect the baby, so the lies are not just affecting here.
@gabs8513 (48712)
• United Kingdom
26 Feb 10
To be honest I would not get involved in this at all because it will make you look the bad one in the end If it does come out in the end which I guess it will, it will be her own fault and she will have to deal with the Hurt and Heartbreak that she has caused to everyone including her Child
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
29 Jun 10
I agree. Sometimes it is best to just voice your thoughts in mylot and not to the person.What a great place!! I hate to see the situation, but it is not my place.
• United States
25 Feb 10
Well I think it is very good her boyfriend wants to raise the kid, I admire them for that, because not many guys would want to do it, so she is very blessed in that sense, now i think she should tell the truth to the baby's parents and also to her child, because every child have the right to know where he/she comes from, she can tell the truth to the child and still the child can have a wonderful relationship with her boyfriend. She would always have a bigger bond with her boyfriend than with her own father.
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
29 Jun 10
I think it is great that he stepped in. It has been a while since I posted this discussion, and she has told her parents, who says she is lying. The guy she is with still thinks she is his, even though she tells him she isnt and she is dark tones.She even looks just like the other guy. What worries me is that for whatever reason he thinkg she is really his, and shes not.It will hurt him when he finally figures it out. I think she is denying the baby a whol other side of herself,too.But anyways, I will keep my nose right here.It is her life, her child, her decisions.
• India
25 Feb 10
Does it really matter in an open society like the US has? From whatever I have learnt of the way of life there from being here at mylot, people over there are not really bothered about the biological roots of a child…would it have mattered if the child was either completely black or completely white? Are you doubtful only because the child is biracial? Even then, what does it matter…people are getting divorced with kids and then finding new partners and settling down to completely happy lives. As the kids grow up, they themselves understand that not all of them are from the same set of parents yet they carry on as happy responsible families. And here I find the father is perfectly happy with the baby so why rock the boat! If he is willing to give the baby the love and care of a biological, why take away that happiness from him? As you say, once the child grows up, it will be obvious to the child too that the father is somebody different…if at that point of time the child wants to find out the biological father, then it would be for the family to take that decision.
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
26 Feb 10
Yes,but we are talking about HIS family members as well as hers, friends, co workers, etc.who all think the baby is his, who dont know they were even seperated.,so there is a big difference in the situation you described. I dont care if she knows the father, but she has history and roots she needs to be aware of.She needs to know why her skin is different.I am gladd her botfriend stepped up and thats not what I am saying at all.I just dont want the baby to get hrt because of anothr ignorance.
• New Zealand
25 Feb 10
Don't tell or u'll be hated by ur friend forever. It's her secret after all. Just make her spill the beans.
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
26 Feb 10
That;s my friend, I would never do anything like that.I minf my busineess.I was just wondering what other people thought about it, and see if I was alone in my thoughts onit. I am afriend,I would never spill her beans for her!:O
• United States
25 Feb 10
While this may put you in a very difficult situation, it really is not your place to let it be known. It is great that your friends boyfriend wants to take on the parenting responsibilities but your friend owes it to him to tell him the truth and let him make the decision. While he may get mad at her, the situation will be 10 times worse if he finds out this information from another source. My advice would be to tell your friend how you feel and go from there. Only she can make the adult decision to come clean about her antics.
@qamarep (4448)
• Pakistan
25 Feb 10
what is wrong if the baby lives with her dad. doesnt he have a right to get his child with himself
• India
25 Feb 10
i think its better to tell to her close ones.