Mom's job?
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85137)
Shingle Springs, California
April 14, 2010 2:05pm CST
Interesting dynamics in the family with R and me and Dearra. Couple of times he has snapped at me about something and I've spoken up and defended myself. Dearra's gotten right in my face about it, almost as if it's my fault or as if it's my job to calm him down.
Ex. 1: R - "You didn't put the honey on the table for me."
D - "You didn't bring out the mayo for me the other night when you made
burgers, what's your point?"
Dearra - "Stop it, it's just a jar of honey, what's the big deal?" Goes
and gets honey.
Ex. 2: D - "Oh, we forgot Cary's haircut." Goes upstairs to get SuperCuts card to
call.
R - Comes upstairs and says something about taking Cary.
D - "I was just going to call and see what the wait was."
R - "DAWN I'm taking him to my place." Said in loud, you should have known,
kind of voice.
D - "Hey, I didn't know you had plans to take him."
Dearra - "Stop arguing about such stupid things." And she was very in MY
face when she said that.
Well the nice counselor (one time when I was in there alone) did say that I was the voice of calm in the family. So I'm sitting here wondering if Dearra has this idea that it's my job to calm Dad down.
I spose I could ask her, but I'd have to find a way to do it without criticizing her Dad. Hmm...
6 people like this
13 responses
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
15 Apr 10
Hi Dawn, I dont have kids, and had I a kid like Dearra (I would have loved to have), I would also be in a dilemma how to reason out! To me she already seems to be trying to put off what she senses is not far away. And she wants you to cooperate. In all probability she knows it isn't your fault. She wants to know what is the major issue, all the rest seems much too trivial to lead up to breaking her world. Girls do side papa most of the time, though I would have sided my mom had she been alive.
As to a way of doing things without criticizing her father (which incidentally would make you appear bad in her eyes), I am sure you are wise enough. You will find a way Dawn. 
2 people like this
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
14 Apr 10
From what we've heard of Dearra, she is a very sensible yet sensitive young lady.
There is little doubt that Dearra would know, at least to some extent, that things are not right between you and R. She probably sees you as the peacemaker who just MIGHT, hopefully, be able to hold things together. Her hopes are pinned on you. Therefore, she would tend to think that YOU hold the key, so even though she might clearly see that the fault is on her Dad's part, she would see you as the one who should "make peace". She showed this by getting up and getting the honey herself.
You do have a very open communication with her, so I'm sure a talk will help.
@BarBaraPrz (51811)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
15 Apr 10
I disagree with cloud's assumption that Dearra sees you as the peacemaker. She may see you as the trouble-maker, that it's your fault things aren't running smoothly at D&R industries...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Apr 10
Maybe although Dearra has called me a pacifist in the past...
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Apr 10
She knows we're in counseling. And she's seen him threaten to leave and say we're splitting up and so on. She can't NOT know.
@GardenGerty (169439)
• United States
14 Apr 10
I think she is afraid or worried about what is going to happen and is making it worse by worrying and if you are not fixing it, she does not know who will. It is not your job to have four children and make them all happy all of the time. She may not realize she is acting in this way or that she expects you to keep the peace all of the time.
@BarBaraPrz (51811)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
15 Apr 10
You've just supplied your own evidence that Dearra's problems stem from the discord between you and R.
2 people like this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
14 Apr 10
Dawn, she is torn between the two of u & wants things to be as calm as possible. been there done that & know how upset u get when ur parents fight. I ended up having bad feelings toward both my parents & to be honest didn't like either one of them much by the time they decided to get a divorce. Something they should have done a long time before they did. I ran off & got married to just get out of the mess. I know now that wasn't the answer but i was soooooo tired of hearing them fuss.
2 people like this
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
16 Apr 10
kind of sounds like she's trying to be intermediary.
i used to have to do that with my folks sometimes.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37353)
• United States
16 Apr 10
When I split with my ex one of my daughters sided with him....and treated me like crap for about 20 years...just a few years ago she finally got over it and now....we have a very good relationship....just something you have to look forward to.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Apr 10
hi dawnald the peace keeper seldom gets many kudos and I feel proud that you spoke up for yourself. oh i think she is just nervous not knowing what is going to happen,You cannot be the peacekeeper for the whole family all the time either.Yes I guess you are the voice of calm and yet you are only one human being, and since when must you always soothe the feathers of a grown man.I guess its hard on Dearra too but still why must he be like that, does not Dearra not see that? well I just hope that things go better for all of you. Living with a touchy man reminds me of my dad, mymomn was always the peacekeeper and as I grew up I felt so sorry for her as he just did not try to defuse himself.he really could have used a lot of anger management help; and of course he did not even see how angry and rude he was so much of the time. I think you will find a time to talk with her and calm her down too.,good luck and G od bless.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20216)
• United States
15 Apr 10
It's impossible to hide things in a close family relationship from children. Dearra
is very aware that many families break up, so she is trying to maintain her own family. She already knows that keeping Dad calm is a big part of that and may feel that she can control things by stepping in now and then to do this for you.
Children need to find someone to blame and will usually choose the strong one and protect the weak one. She needs to be spoken to in an adult manner because she feels she is being put into an adult position within the family. A little talk about relationships and lack of blame might be in order. The give and take in relationships that is necessary to maintain them and the fact that people change but that she will always have the support she needs from you and her Dad. Good Luck
@much2say (57760)
• Los Angeles, California
15 Apr 10
I'm only dealing with little ones . . . I hear my 5 year old saying "Don't fight!" when we (the parents) are just having an argument/discussion and the tones of our voices are just more stern than usual. I may be off base, but could D's snappy remarks be an older kid's version of "Don't fight!"? D sounds like a sensible gal, and as the observer, she can see how an argument doesn't have to be an argument, know what I mean?
I just remember when I was a teen and my parents had an argument one new years eve . . . I've never heard them put out everything on the table like that night. It was a full on blow out. I, of course, was eavesdropping on the entire thing . . . and sometimes one or the other parent would say something really dumb-a**. I couldn't be snappy and brave like D, instead I stomped through the kitchen at that point to let them know of my disapproval. That was my way . . . so maybe that's her way.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Apr 10
No doubt she thought we were arguing about something really stupid. That would be just like her!
@hexeduser22 (7418)
• Philippines
9 May 10
I'm still clueless in the parenting department so I cannot really give my thoughts on this. I responded to this because I want to greet you Happy Moms Day! I think this discussion is just about right for it, somehow
1 person likes this
@abitcurious (1422)
• Philippines
15 Apr 10
maybe she sees you as the sanest person in the world and when you become the opposite she's at her wits end to have that feeling of control back. you're right it's always better to talk things over.
1 person likes this
