Is 15 to old to 'interfere'?

I've got 2 boys and my older son is really a good boy and I'd love to think that he would do no wrong. But I also know that practically that's not the case. He does slip sometimes...or does things unintentionally...he is a child after all. BUT...the fact that I understand that does not mean that he is let away scot free if someone complains about him. Even when he complained about a teacher at school, I took pains to find out if what he said was true and do something about it. AFTER that...I still talked to my son and said he needs to respect the teacher because she is a teacher and all people make mistakes...he should be able to give her a chance to correct herself and not harbour any ill feelings towards the teacher. I would listen to complaints about teachers....but he had to do it properly and not with disrespect. If a 7 year old could understand that (this was 2 years back)......I wonder why teenagers don't....it's because parents have never made the effort to guide the children.

Being a teacher in the same school helps me to understand what really goes on. My son was one of their star students and considered the school his second home since he has been there since the inception of the school. One particular teacher who was new to the school happened to be his class teacher that particular year. During the orientation, a couple of parents came to me and suggested we ask for the class to be changed because our kids always got a new teacher (new in the school and not a teacher who was teaching the last year) and why experiment on this class alone. But I was the one who told them not to go by the teacher's looks (she was very stern)...and to give her a chance. I would never be the parent to go and ask for a class change...even though I could (being a teacher there)....but ended up after quite a few incidents over the next few months....my son refused to go to school because of this teacher's comments. I had to go to the school and ask for a section change...because the comments she made were pretty rude...a teacher/student from a very conventional school background could never see it...but my son being in the same school for so many years and being treated with respect...couldn't take it that the teacher was questioning my parenting skills (she said something like 'Hasn't your mother taught you manners'..this to a second grader). I tried explaining to him that what she meant was not really at me....but something he did..and he reiterated that all he did was ask the teacher which student she meant because she called his name along with the surname of another child. And there...that was the comment of the teacher! But like you said, sometimes...the children cannot see the intention...behind the remark and we need to guide them there. My son has never been used to the conventional way of education (and we didn't want him to go through that because my husband has had very very bad teachers at his school). Our son is now being homeschooled but he goes to classes for subjects we cannot help at home.

You are to be commended. There are few parents left who take the responsibility to train their children in the way they should behave. Like you I have had my children complain about a particular teacher. I even went to the school and audited one class. After seeing what really was happening I discussed it with my daughter and explained why the teacher was behaving the way she was. She was a very demanding teacher. I then required my daughter to finish the year in her class. My daughter will now tell anyone that that teacher was the best teacher she ever had because she learned more in her class than she did in all the other classes put together. The moral of that story is kids have to learn how to deal with what life will dish out to them when they are grown. The school system is a perfect place for them to learn how to deal with different types of people, with respect, while not being too overwhelming. I also had one experience with a teacher who's behavior was just wrong. Even after addressing the issue I could get the school system to do nothing. So, since his offense was only words I told my children to just put up with him because they would only have to for one year. This taught them that not everything is fixable and sometimes we must just endure.

Well, I agree on the ignoring part and we are handling that part. Fortunately, the communication lines with my son and I are open and we had been discussing this for some time. The ignoring really didn't put a stop to the teasing...but he was handling it quite well. But when he met with one of the mothers, he thought maybe she could help. I agree that probably the mother interfering wouldn't have helped the situation...but what I felt is that....that wasn't the right way to react to my son. Even if she had explained that part to my son....that her son wouldn't listen to her...and tried to make my son see the situation in a different light, I would have understood. I do the same when my little one tries to get in the game of his brother and his friends. They are 9 years and above and my little one is just 3. My older son gets yelled at by his friends because 'his brother' is disturbing their game. I explained to the boys that the little one wouldn't listen to his brother...so they are free to tell the little one directly to move out of their way and not disturb them. That worked. In this particular situation that I mentioned in the post, the parents are washing their hands off their responsibility. There have been numerous other cases (where cars have been damaged with their violent play) that the parents of these boys have said that they cannot control these boys...so nothing can be done about the situation except for them to pay damages. If it were my son, he would be grounded for not obeying rules.

lol..my husband actually said WE need to be calling in the authorities against the 15 year old and then his parents would fall in line!

The reason she cannot control her 15 year old son, is because she never did control him since he was a child. She made him what he is. And there is nothing you can do these days with a 15 year old out of control. He will report you for abuse to the authorities if you try to control him.

Some mothers do not discipline and curb the children at the appropriate time and pamper them in a very stupid manner when they are young.THis fetches them not the love but the disrespect of children.After a pattern is established it becomes very difficult to change it.

I agree that teenagers are rebellious and might not listen to their parents. But this group of US returns (no offence to others who are US returns...I know a lot more nicer people than these ppl) think that their kids are to be let loose to do as they please. My point was that she could have at least talked to my son and given him tips on how to handle it himself instead of curtly telling him she didn't want to interfere. Like I mentioned in my comment to Aussie, if I can do it with my 3 year old....why can't she do it with a 9 or 5 year old?

Yes, I would have done the same as you. I would have gone one step further and at least tried to find my son's version...I find that sometimes things go out of hand because of people's perceptions of the situation. The same situation might be seen as a wrong by one parent while it was unintentional from the other parent's point of view. That doesn't mean that I would protect my son if he was the one doing things unintentionally...I would explain to him why what he did was seen as a wrong and he needs to avoid doing such things in future. Oh well, that's just me...and btw...'interfere' is the word that the lady used....I wouldn't call disciplining or communicating with my son as 'interference'. Looking into a complaint is a necessary thing that all parents go through. And this lady wonders why everyone is targetting her son and trying to find fault...lol

You said it all SV. You are right that sometimes mother of a child does not see a situation with broad and open mindedness and later on she repents. We should protect our wards, when they are right and if they commit some mistake or misbehave with someone, protecting them could be counter-productive for us, in the long run.

Exactly what I would have done if I was the parent. But that's not how things go. My almost 10 year old...would not want me to interfere directly with his friends or these boys....but I can talk to him. He's a good boy and I'm proud of him. My husband was so mad with the complaints...that he went down and had a talk with the older boys. The mother happened to pass by then and my husband spoke to her too. She said she was more concerned about her daughter and the silly games the girls' were playing rather than the boys teasing our son. Anyways the teasing has decreased and my son has also learnt to stand up for himself. So, it's all good.

Thank you, Ellie. Yes, I do the same with my boys too (older one who is 9 sometimes does 'wind up' the 3 year old)....I step in and ask him to stop. I try not to interfere too much with my sons or with their friends....but when things do get out of hand....I need to step in. And if anyone complains about my son, I will definitely do something about it. Just last week...the boys (my older son's gang) weren't playing cricket in the designated area....and were playing right in front of the gym which has glass windows. I first asked my son why they were playing there when they knew they weren't allowed to.He said he knew but the other boys didn't want to play in the designated area because the ball often went beyond the boundary wall. I tried talking to the other boys who refused to budge...and my son didn't want to be the odd one out (he tends to get picked on for being 'goody-goody'...and therefore get labelled as 'uncool'. Well, I stood right there and told my son loud enough for all of them to hear....that I was watching...and if the ball as much as hit one of the glass windows...my son would be grounded and I was going to the parents of all the other boys. In 5 minutes, the boys were playing in their designated area! In the particular case mentioned in the discussion, my husband got tired of the complaints and went down and had a word with the older boys. He was nice but firm and after around 45 minutes of the talk....the mother passes by and asks what happened. My husband tells her he has been picking on our son and he stepped in to clear it. The mother then says that her major concern at the time was the 'silly games' the girls were playing (she has a younger daughter too) and didn't think this was important enough. Anyways, after 'the talk', the teasing has reduced and at times, the older boys help the younger ones with their game too. So, it turned out good. Another thing is that I feel the mother did have a word with her son later...when they realized that my husband and I had always 'talked' to them like little adults and not 'yelled' at them like other parents do.

Thank you GardenGerty. I know I would have done the same as you. My son's basically a good child. But if ever anyone complains about him, the first thing I do is to watch him and have a talk...even when I feel that my son could never have done such a thing. He has always been honest with me...and sometimes situations take a different turn based on the other person's perception. I've then taken the opportunity to explain to my son that though his intentions were good, it could also be perceived in a negative way and he needs to be careful. He does give vent to his feelings at home....but he remembers the rules and how to behave when he is with outsiders. I will pass on your message to him and I'm sure he will be motivated to behave in a mature manner in future too:)

lol...and I thought i was the only one who thought that way. I felt times had changed and I had not moved along:P

Dont hink they have changed that much and I am from old school

Times have changed, and for the most part, not for the better. I'm glad some of us haven't moved along.

Oh yeah....I forgot about that aspect...she isn't an adult herself and she has two other 'spoilt brat' friends to support her in such things. How I wish I could do something about it....I want to have a meeting to chuck her friends out (I think she's just a puppet and these two are pulling the strings)....they aren't owners and just renting.

Seeing other incidents in the apartment complex, I realize both parents are the same. Even if she is afraid of someone...she could have spoken nicely to my son and said her son wouldn't listen to her...so could he work out something else himself?

Now that would mean she'd have to think like an adult, and OBVIOUSLY she's failed to raise her son, that means she's not really more than a spoiled brat herself.

Sorry for the late response...was busy with life and the kids:) Well, the woman knew very well what was happening. She later told my husband that her daughter and the silly games they were playing was what was more on her mind at the time. My husband got really mad one day and had a talk with the boys themselves....and this lady happened to pass by then and they talked too. But since then the teasing has 'decreased'...but my son has also learnt to stand up for himself and ask the older boys 'to stay away'. So, I'm fine now.

I'm not bothered about the situation really. Even the younger boys have now realized that the mother's are not responsible enough on their part (I heard them speak among themselves). Now, it's time for me to take things into my hand....and let's see what the mother has to say to that! And you are so right, the older boys think nothing of behaving badly because they have their parents' backing. I'm glad my son went and talked to her instead of fighting with anyone. We had been having discussions on this matter at home and were trying to figure out ways to help my son. But now, it's time for me to get out there. I also feel sorry for the older boys...who basically are probably good guys...but with parents like this...wonder how they will turn out! When I taught at school, I would always step in and try to help the kids out...guide them. Most of them didn't really mean to be mean or rude and it was easier to help them out.

That's what I thought. lol..I know that if I was bullying someone today....my parents would talk to me about it!! I'm 34 and married with kids of my own!! Of course, they would talk to me and tell me what they think...like they would to another adult...but they wouldn't let it go if someone said something about me. I'm so glad that my son was mature enough to use the opportunity to talk to the mother. I'm not sure if you've seen my earlier discussion about verbal bullies. But we were trying to find ways in which my son could handle the situation on his own. But I guess, 'I' will be having a word with the boy and let's see if his mother will now want to 'interfere'! Though that's the word the mother used, I wouldn't call it interfering...wouldn't it be more of disciplining or talking to the boy? And I wouldn't have thought anything if the mother had asked my son to try and solve it himself because the boy wouldn't listen to her and so there was nothing she could do to help. But this definitely was irresponsibility on her part...I thought I would be the only one thinking that way and things have changed. Guess I was wrong on that count and I'm glad I'm wrong :)

No problem:) If my son was doing the bullying and a child complained to me, I would try my best to put a stop it. In fact, I would even have a talk with both the kids (separately and together) to see where the problem lies....and try to help them...especially the child who is being bullied. And my son would be grounded if he wasn't listening and the bullying continued. But of course, not all parents are like I am....but I don't understand this parent's attitude of not wanting to 'interfere'.