Relationships, social pretences, and risks
By vanny
@vandana7 (102698)
India
October 4, 2010 11:47am CST
Today I am in dilemma.
I have an uncle, who has never been around for me when I was a kid, though he pretended to be affectionate to me many times, fooling everybody. His wife troubled my mother throughout my mother's brief life. She has some strong opinions against me as well. For example, I have a couple of cousins who beat me up for monies. She feels as a girl it was wrong on my part to ask for my monies, even if it was necessary for my survival. She is of the opinion that whatever happened, I should be the one to bend down because I am a girl (woman now), and I need such cousins (can't believe some people can be that bad), and that I should be writing my properties to those cousins only (as if I have no right to choose). Off and on, she has been ridiculing me, and I have taken it in my stride. When my drunkard uncle died, I pleaded with my father not to attend his funeral, because once relationship was re-established, I would become vulnerable to more beating. My father understood my reasoning, and did not attend the funeral of that drunkard uncle, effectively letting the whole world know that relationships are strained and there is no way they are welcome back in our life. Now this aunt spent a lot of time taunting my father on that, saying I control him, as if it is her right to control him.
Coming to the point now, this uncle who has been indifferent to me is now sick. I feel no emotion whatsoever for him. His son returned from the US because he was involved in some forgery. Thereafter he studied some management course and settled in Zambia. There again, he was involved in some embezzling case, and was thrown out of job. But the aunt has always said I am something to be ashamed of. Even when the drunkard uncle's 6 foot plus son ran away from Airforce training! And I struggled through my entire life to get a comfortable retirement, WITHOUT TAKING ANY HELP.
Now my father is in a dilemma, whether he should visit this uncle in hospital. I have pleaded once more. I am not sure I am right. May be I have mellowed down. I do feel pretences are bad. It is not as if my father has any love or affections for him. Then why must it be expected of him or us?
What would you do if you were in such a situation?
4 people like this
11 responses
@saphrina (31551)
• South Africa
4 Oct 10
Not a very easy decision after what i have read, Vannie.
If it was me and my dad, i won't allow him to come near them at all.
Sick or not, that is life.
If they don't have manners and respect towards me and my family, then sorry for them.
You don't have to either.
TATA.
@Baluyadav (3643)
• India
4 Oct 10
hi,friend,don.t invite problems after experiencing all by re establishing the relation with them.Let society and SO CALLED RELATIONS may talk anything about it.
Be stubborn and request your father to stand on whatever you suggest to act.
I hope everything will be set right and you will become happiest person,because problems are not permanent.All the best and have a nice time.
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
4 Oct 10
Thanks for the support. I think that is right. Though I shouldn't say god punished them, I am truly indifferent to them. I wouldnt like them around. That is for sure. As of now, dad has not gone to their place, or to the hospital. Hope he stands by me. Please pray for me.
@Baluyadav (3643)
• India
4 Oct 10
hi,i pray God to give mental support to you to face and come out of all these unwanted problems.You have all good intentions,so God will help you.Be cool.
1 person likes this
@Buchi_bulla (8298)
• India
5 Oct 10
Already they made your life miserable. From your words I feel they do not have any affection for you. Then why do you want to take the wasp into your lap? Is it not inviting more troubles? Once the touch is lost then that is it. Unless it is going to be for good, I do not see any reason why the relationship should be renewed. Further, they will have an eye on your property. You should be very careful about that. If you part with your property, no one will give a single pie to you in your need. I hope wiser counsel will prevail. If I were in your position, I will not entertain this sort of relatives.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
16 Oct 10
Hi ElicBxn - you have not answered this one before. :) But I agree with you his family is a loser. They are not welcome in my life - and they know it. They had some hopes with my father. But apparently, they are accepting that they would be pushing their luck if they tried. Dad did go eventually when one of the friends intervened. But - it was just once - like a formal visit of any other friend, and not a visit by relations - everyday. I think they got the message this time - loud and clear.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
5 Oct 10
Hi that is a tough decision but I feel that in a way it would be ludicrous for your poor dad to visit him in the hospital as they were '
not exactly great buddies at all.It should not be expected of you or your dad either. I think I would let it go as it could only cause your dad to feel worse. I think you are right, pretence is just foolish. It can only make you and your father miserable.We cam choose our friends,would that'we could choose our relatives that same way.lol lol lol
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
5 Oct 10
Well he did it! I mean visiting him in the hospital. Dad is ludicrous Hatley. This is the family of the man who molested me. This is the family dad helped financially for 17 years. They never wrote to him for anything other than asking monies! As far as I am concerned, they never spared even an amount for birthday greeting. From 6 to 18 I didnt know what I was supposed to call them!
@hardworkinggurl (37062)
• United States
4 Oct 10
I would feel like you as life has beaten too many times so I am one that is learning to avoid life negativity at all costs. Sorry to say but it continues to bring forth yet even more negativity as when the Uncle was well, ask how many times he checked on your father to see if he was okay and even still breathing.
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
4 Oct 10
You know what - a few weeks ago - my father was unwell. This uncle called just once. At that time he said he wanted to come over. Dad asked him not to. That is it. One moment he felt so much love that he wanted to come over. The next day onwards not even a phone call. :)
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
5 Oct 10
Hi Vandana,
What a tough spot you are in. I would say it is harmless to visit the uncle if it will make your father feel better and as long as your father is aware of the situation and does not make himself in any way obligated to these people. Maybe he would just feel better making amends with the uncle (I'm assuming it is his brother?) before there is no chance in it. And for you...stay strong. You do not owe these people a thing...NOTHING. They sound like horrible people and you sound way too smart to be buying into any of their motives.
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
5 Oct 10
It is not that way sid. A few years ago - this aunt suggested that i will the properties to those cousins who beat me up. She said it is wrong to ask back monies even if I have to starve. It is better to sell myself rather than ask back monies that are loaned to brothers. That is her "traditional" upbringing. Her son wrote a voluminous letter explaining her inability to change and her upbringing. So I overlooked. Within an year of that, she again asked dad to allow those cousins in the house. This time, it was dad who severed the relationship. It is like - they never learn! They think it is our need to be good, rather than how tough it is to be good.
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Oct 10
It doesn't sound as if you have any reason to want them back in your life, and from reading your responses, it doesn't sound as if your father does either. I see no reason for him to go. Sounds like it's just inviting trouble.
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
16 Oct 10
I dont. But we tend to act a lot out here. Emotions we dont feel, considerations we dont have. Too obsessed with our lives to care for another. Yupp - that is us.
A few weeks ago, dad had health problem, this uncle called once - he said he wanted to drop in - (an year ago - I took help of another uncle to convey I am not at all interested in them because of their past indifference - and so he was asked to strictly keep off - now that uncle is out of station - so here he was trying to find an excuse to regain entry). Dad said no - he is alright and that he need not come. Thereafter, not a single phone call Dawny - for the full one month treatment that dad underwent - all his friends called at least once a day but this relation did not bother!
Dad has realized (hopefully). He did go - because one of my family friends intervened and said we need to keep up the pretences - and move out gracefully and slowly rather than abruptly. I respect him so I told dad go if you want - he went once - and thereafter - he is in the least interested. So I guess, it is realization.
@eurekafemme (5874)
• Philippines
5 Oct 10
I do empathize with you, dear. What they had put you through wasn't easy and totally inhuman.... I'm beginning to hate those relatives of yours .... sorry...
Let your father visits that sick uncle of yours. let him decide for yourself. You may not want to see them and reconnect your life with them but that is your decision, your father might be thinking differently.
Since he is already bedridden (?), he may not last longer anymore. It'll be for his benefit and your father as well if they can forgive each other and that your sick uncle can go in peace as well as your father can live his life without that feeling of certain heaviness in his heart.
It is all up to you, Vandy, to see or not your uncle. But I'd suggest let go of the anger so you can move on as well. You can free yourself from the pain they've caused you without them ruining your life again. Just let go but never go back to where they've put you. You are older and wiser now. :)
God bless you, Vandy.May you find forgiveness and peace in your heart for them.
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
5 Oct 10
He has already visited them by now. But I cant forgive them eurekafemme. In the past, I have overlooked too many things, and still they have continued to be nasty. I am sorry but my peace in this comes by staying away from them, and forgetting them rather than being with them.
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
5 Oct 10
By the way, she is the sister of the man who molested me when I was five and a half years old. If I encourage them to step in, she would override (she is very very dominating and doesnt listen if she decides to get her way), my privacy, and force her family and those cousins to come in. Her object is very clear. Not to allow me to sell any of my properties or give them to anybody else other than family. She told me it is wrong to will it to anybody other than them, after all that has happened, saying that since we are relatives we should overlook. She is dogmatic person sweetie.
@Professor2010 (20156)
• India
29 Oct 10
Hello Vandanaji
I have read all posts here, they have already hurtd you, the feelinings are definitely gone, you have done the right thing, never allow this man to visit your home, nor should you keep any relation with him, he appears a chit,,,but it is true that such persons do exist on this place, though 'hell' is the right place for them ..
Sorry for late response..
Thank you so much.
Professor. . Cheers God bless you.
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
11 Nov 10
I really dont know how to stop it. Most of the time, dad is reasonable, he also feels guilty because a lot of it is his fault. But sometimes, some spirit takes hold of him, and there he goes running to them. They get the last laughs then. :( He is also not registering facts now. He is 76+. Or may be he is indifferent towards me. Like I told him one of his nephews molested me when I was five and a half so I dont want them around. He says so what. :( I am too tired and bored with life professor. I spoke to one of the family friends. He seems to have realized my predicament. He used to try to reconcile us. But now, he has simply stopped. I guess, my days are changing for better. Hopefully. I would be happy if I could say this after two months because its just two weeks since this sly attempts at reconciling have stopped completely. May be too early, eh?
