My Evil Twin is Wondering...
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85137)
Shingle Springs, California
May 27, 2011 1:02pm CST
R has kind of had this "stick it to you" mentality the last several years as we've been going through counseling, etc. He keeps feeling unloved, assumes I'm doing something to "stick it to him", and responds in kind. We've had many conversations about how things would just work so much better if he would give me the benefit of the doubt, but every time the 12 year old kid inside of him gets upset, he thinks the worst.
The truth is, I just want to get through this divorce without anybody getting hurt more than is absolutely inevitable, and that includes him.
As we get nearer to school being out, which is when we agreed to tell the children about the divorce, I am noticing more of what could be "stick it to you" behavior. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I really do, but I am seeing things like:
1. Less help with the household chores and
2. Less communication about things that directly affect the children's care
I don't really mind so much about the chores, since I will have to start doing some things myself anyway. And I have the children to help me. But the communication thing could turn into a major problem.
I don't care where he is or what he's doing. We're divorced. It's none of my business. Except when it affects the childcare situation...
Last weekend he told me at the last minute Saturday and Sunday both that he was going to his mother's. Sunday he did it knowing that I had plans, and that arrangements needed to be made for Naomi's friend who was sleeping over. Last night he just took off to the casino with not a word to anybody.
So I'm sitting here wondering if this is just thoughtlessness that I should talk to him about, or the "stick it to me" thing, which I should also talk to him about, right? I don't want to assume nasty behavior, but I do have to consider the possibility. I want to handle this decently and set a good example for the children. One parent ought to, right?
But my evil twin is seriously considering just taking off on him a few times without a word and sticking it to HIM.
7 people like this
17 responses
@hardworkinggurl (37062)
• United States
27 May 11
Stick it to him thing I know very well. Well I wanted the good twin of mine to remain good and never stuck it to him, then I noticed that the stick it to me got worse and worse. So basically what I did was always did what was right for the kids without involving the ex at all, at the time he was still current.
Though a bit differently because you two are now divorce, I still think you should allow the medium twin to begin to start doing whatever is right for Dawn and the kids. If it means not including him that what you need to do.
In other words start conditioning the mind to think Dawn and R are no longer together therefore, when Dawn needs to make decisions and do things she only thinks if they are beneficial or not to the KIDS!
Not easy Dawn, that's for sure but it is a way of in-depending only on Dawn and the children.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
28 May 11
Would you kill me if i told you I see him Just doing things by himself as a Good sign. Maybe, Just maybe he gets that it is over, Really over. Face it , He Is a 12 year old boy! And he attacks when threatened. Try to sit him down and talk. It may work. Good Luck.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
1 Jun 11
Agreed! You both love them and don't want them left all alone so... You two Have to talk it over.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169406)
• United States
27 May 11
Oh, don't do that it will make the kids feel yucky and used if both of you are behaving that way. I see where you are coming from, and I do believe he is doing it on purpose. That is part of why you are divorcing him I am sure. It is not fair to the kids for him to do that, and they are pretty smart, they will figure it out.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 11
There is respite care for him on Friday nights.
@celticeagle (189793)
• Boise, Idaho
27 May 11
Like I have said before he is immature. And when something like this comes up he reverts to that twelve year old you speak of. Benefit of the doubt? Does a man really know what that even is? My ex used to get an idea in his head, (99.9% of the time he was wrong)and then the roof would come off the house. He just always knew he was right. No matter what the truth of the matter was. 
DO YOU REALLY THINK HE IS GOING TO MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU??!! Are graciousness, consideration and thoughtfulness ever a part of his personality? Except with the kids ofcourse. And even then......!
Yes, one parent should set a good example. Thank goodness there is a person such as yourself in the mix.
If you didn't feel like taking off on him and really sticking it to him I would seriously wonder about your sanity. Keep your self together and after(IF it every really happens)he is gone I would find an appropriate time and let it all hang out. I would totally redo his back end if you catch my drift. You have been such a lady and so nice and collected through it all that you deserve it!
DO YOU REALLY THINK HE IS GOING TO MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU??!! Are graciousness, consideration and thoughtfulness ever a part of his personality? Except with the kids ofcourse. And even then......!
Yes, one parent should set a good example. Thank goodness there is a person such as yourself in the mix.
If you didn't feel like taking off on him and really sticking it to him I would seriously wonder about your sanity. Keep your self together and after(IF it every really happens)he is gone I would find an appropriate time and let it all hang out. I would totally redo his back end if you catch my drift. You have been such a lady and so nice and collected through it all that you deserve it!1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189793)
• Boise, Idaho
28 May 11
Oh, I am sure. Some men can be so exasperating!
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
Can't you take the kids on a little holiday somewhere and leave him behind? How tempting would that be on a scale of 1 to 10?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 11
I did that last month already. It was great....
@ravisivan (14082)
• India
30 May 11
One place u say you want get thro divorce without others getting hurt. In another place u say u r divorced. Not clear. Looks like some cinema story,. But I can see the agony. Give up. U give him one week time during which u will give him everything except 'life'. this sort of understanding will make u feel everything as unimportant and there may be bondage. have a good day.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
31 May 11
I am divorced, but we are still "roommates".
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
31 May 11
it's a little bassackward but it's temporary.
@ravisivan (14082)
• India
31 May 11
Something different from what I am used to. I have heard people living together without marriage before marriage. This is the other way about.
have a good day.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
28 May 11
Wll you are divorced and have no control what he does.
Probaly not stick it to her but doing what he wants when he wants.
ven tho he isnt out of the house yet he still might think he is picking up his life to go on.
maybe!
And if ya need to get out and away if he is htere to take care of the kids why not go have a dinner out alone or witht he gilrs ya are riends with.
That my evil twin talking lolololol
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
31 May 11
Well really I never did have any control...
I need to make some girlfriends up here, they are all down in LA pretty much...
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
28 May 11
hi dawn just thinking maybe doing the unexpected and being your evil twin and sticking it to him just once might jolt him back to reality.
I see a man already divorced but wanting somehow to undo the divorce
and not move on with his own life. He had his chances and you gave him
plenty of them and he still blew it,. He should not even be there as he is after all divorced. I know it will be tough on your kids but still this way it looks like he is pretending the divorce has not been final.
I just hope for your sake when you and him have told the children he will then pack up and leave.
@yoyo1198 (3641)
• United States
28 May 11
If you two haven't already sat down and had a 'meeting of the minds' about situations like this, I think it is time to do so. If you're going to continue living together for an indefinite period time, both of you should be on the same page when it comes to what is best for the children.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
31 May 11
Yes we should be, but he does whatever he likes and doesn't discuss it with me first. I've tried to discuss it, I think we've agreed, and then I find out later that he was just saying yes to shut me up. Hard to have a meeting of the minds under those circumstances.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
28 May 11
I am obligated as your friend to tell you what I think about this as honestly as I know how..he is fianlly coming to terms and this is his final effort to make you care. If you do..it wll give him false hope and will make things more confusing. Don't care. Do what you want, but not because you want to "stick it to him"..that evil twin can be a strong influence..lol. You are not going to be able to control the way he tends to the children after this is all said and done. It is going to be up to him. All you can do is set the example that you want your children to see..what he sets..well..it will be on his shoulders. Might it hurt the children..yes..it might, but you are the rock that they will have. Be strong and focused. Remember..he is not your concern anymore and you are not his.
I know that is pretty blunt, but I care about your well being and I understand what it's like to be in tough positions where relationships and children are concerned. I have suffered a lot and so have my kids.
This is just one opinion among many though. There are no easy answers or ways to deal. Take care and hang in there.
1 person likes this
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
28 May 11
Maybe you should do both! Take off like him a few times then talk to him about what needs to talk about! Of course don't get the children in the middle but I think R needs some of his own medicine! Also with telling the kids about the divorce you think they have a clue this has already happen or will be? Just a thought.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
31 May 11
Dearra has a clue, not sure about the twins.
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
28 May 11
Nah...even if he is sticking it to you, just ignore it as somebody who is hurting and cant do a thing about it. He does deserve some sympathies, and he hasn't got any source, given the circumstances (kids exams). Be kind for the last time...you'll be glad you were.
1 person likes this
@much2say (57760)
• Los Angeles, California
28 May 11
What a butthead. He's acting like a butthead for whatever reason - that's just his way it seems. I guess if it were me, I would discuss with him how the communication deal needs to be better - focusing on what needs to be communicated rather than "why" he is doing what he's doing, know what I mean? At least he may be more cooperative if the discussion is about something "technical" rather than "personal". Who knows what's in that 12 year old mind o' his - you are definitely the grown up one here! And by handling it like a grown up - the children will see and learn from that and have higher respect for the grown up parent (if not now because of their age, perhaps down the road) - and THAT would be "sticking it to him" all in its own way.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
31 May 11
he went to his mom's again on Sunday, was totally "surprised" that I didn't know about it, but at least this time he took the kids....
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 11
I'm sure he isn't, but it really isn't about what I want anyway. It's about how to do the best for our children. But if he can't see that, I will deal with it, and it will probably backfire in his face anyway.
@sconibear (8016)
• United States
27 May 11
Been there.......done that.........it's the "stick it to you" thing.
.......It'll get better.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50970)
• Holiday, Florida
27 May 11
so maybe he is just trying to get used to the idea of going seperate ways? so i would go ahead and go to where and when you want also, at times when he or someone can stay with the kids. i guess the kids will also get used to his absence more this way/ . 
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 11
Well there's a positive spin on it. Maybe...
