I am NOT trapped
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85137)
Shingle Springs, California
December 28, 2011 11:26am CST
I sit here in my big house, roommates with my ex-husband, and sometimes I feel trapped.
He's certainly not helping me pack things, he's been doing his best to delay, heck he's still talking like we'll still be here next year.
I woke up one morning and looked at all my books (because I'm sleeping in the library), and I realized that I just don't want to do this alone.
But I'm going to do it.
It may take way longer than any of you consider reasonable, but I'm going to do it.
Heck, maybe I'll even open my mouth and ask somebody for some help, what a concept!
Meanwhile, I can't control his behavior, but I can control mine.
This morning I walked into the bedroom to check my e-mail. He started talking about the same old stuff, about how he'd been an idiot and he was sorry and he wanted to do things right and so on.
I'm so passive, usually I would have sat there and tried to tune him out, then gotten mad and told him to shut up, which would have got him going even more, and it would have ruined my morning. Instead, I just abandoned my e-mail, got up and walked out, and came back and checked it later. When he came back up, I told him I didn't want to hear it again, and to just not start. Surprisingly he didn't.
See, I'm not trapped. I just have to change my pattern.
There's this guy I'm seeing. I really like him, but he works crazy hours. I think he's pretty much worked every day (including Christmas) for the last 3 - 4 weeks. First because this time of year gets busy, and then because he was told he's going to have to lay people off. I think he feels trapped. He said something about having a big house that he can't sell, or he'd be gone, and that he almost quit in protest, but decided not to. He's not trapped either, but what he ends up doing about the situation is up to him. I hope he chooses something more sane before he works himself into a heart attack, but we shall see.
Sometimes we're not really trapped, it's just our own choices.
That's Dawn's philosophical moment for the day.
8 people like this
26 responses
uuummm, nope.
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
28 Dec 11
Good philosophy Dawn, I think in a way I have done that too, I will leave or change my routine to throw him off. Problem is, it doesn't work in the car. I hate it when I am trapped in a moving car and he starts in, I really need my own car..
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
29 Dec 11
Yeah like he'd do that? He'd probably wait until we were in the bad part of town and then stop..
1 person likes this
@cotruelove (1016)
• Denver, Colorado
29 Dec 11
It appears you already made the big choice and got a divorce. Now you need for him to get his stuff and leave. You may have to put a time limit on him in order to get him gone. You don't want him there when you are selling the house, which it sounds like you got in the divorce. Having been through a divorce where my ex wouldn't come get his things and he was willing to just walk away from most everything. He wanted everything in the divorce to go his way, and it just didn't happen that way. I had to get someone to help me pack up his stuff and then take it to my daughter's home for him to get it. It wasn't easy and sometimes I wanted to just sit and cry or walk away from all of it myself, but I just kept remembering things could only get better.
The changes and choices were particularly difficult since we had been married 34 years, but that was in 2002 and now I'm remarried to a much nicer man who treats me one hundred percent better than my ex. Like you I felt trapped. Trapped with the responsibility of it all! Just keep on one day at a time and you'll get it done! You seem to be making the right choices and changes!
Beware of finding someone too soon. We tend to repeat the same patterns even when we think they look different. I'm amazed how many things about my new husband are similar to my ex. I think I got the better part of the ex in this one and hopefully none of the bad. I didn't remarry until this last year. Hang in friend and be kind to yourself!
@cotruelove (1016)
• Denver, Colorado
30 Dec 11
I agree with your earlier comment about shutting him up! IF they want to talk about a relation that has been ended, best he find someone else to talk about it with cause it isn't you. When my ex and I were at mediation the mediator couldn't believe how nice we were in the presence of the other one, and that's when I excused myself from the table and walked out and took a break. She followed me, cause my face doesn't hide much, and I told her away from him what was really going on and had been. Her mouth nearly dropped to her knees and she said she thought I was being far more civil than any one she dealt with before. Up to that point, she thought all the problem was mine and he was a really nice man. Guess what I said opened her eyes. In fact she suggested I might try to become a mediator for other people and I told her it was taking a lot out of me to be civil toward him. Guess he thought no one would want to be with me, and he got a surprise during the mediation that a man I had met wanted me to go with him to a golf tournament he was in out of state and I reschedules one of our appointments with the mediator. He about rolled the chair he was sitting in into the bookcase behind him with a shocked look on his face and was close to dumping it on top of him. Thought I was going to laugh at him and the mediator came close to laughing at him too. The look on his face was priceless. I've seen him twice since the divorce with his wife, and I chuckle at how he tries to impress me with his looks. Give me a break, I don't want him in my life and as far as I'm concerned he is just another person in the world. Thank goodness our children are adults and were at the time.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Dec 11
I keep telling him that I am NOT the person he needs to be airing this to, it needs to be a counselor or a family member.
In one ear, out the other...
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 11
I'm letting him hang around mainly so that the bills can get paid. But I have the legal power to get him out if I want to. I'll use it if I need to, but I'd rather wait until we move. And then, if he doesn't get his stuff, I can either take it to his mother's or just yard sale it (evil grin).
We'll see about the new guy. I'm kind of thinking if this one doesn't work out, I'll just hunker down with the kids and not look for anybody for a while. Thing is, even though the divorce was only final this year, I've been ready for things to be over for a long while.
@celticeagle (189819)
• Boise, Idaho
30 Dec 11
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE!! Does he still think he has a chance with you? I am sorry you have to do this on your own but when you are done it will be so wonderful for you. It is sad that you have moved on to the point that you are seeing other people and he is still wondering around like it was yesterday.
1 person likes this
@WildHorses (718)
• United States
28 Dec 11
Richard not helping you pack is his best delay tactic that he has to make a half feeble attempt to detain you and keep you close. Unfortunately, what he doesn't realize is that this feeble attempt is really nothing more than an irritant and I know it will make you more determined to get away from his yapping mouth.
You don't really have to do it alone. You have family and friends who are backing you up 100% and then some. Physically you are going through the motions alone but really we are with you; inside of you. We are your strength when you think it's not there.
Walking out of the room is taking the high road and leaving him in your dust. It's too bad that he attempted to pick up again on it later. You kept your guard up and that is why he shut up and never tried to say anything is my guess.
You don't have to per say change your "pattern" but being a bit more aggressive and holding up your guard will definitely throw him off. I personally still would believe you are a softie at heart. :)
As for your beau, he will be okay but that stress can be a killer on the body, and it will take its toll on him. I hope he finds a good outlet to expel the bad energy it gives him.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 11
And then he wrote me a darn letter. I haven't read it. I should just stick it straight in the recycle bin. sheesh...
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Dec 11
Why yes, somebody else just told me the same thing. :D
@WildHorses (718)
• United States
30 Dec 11
Get a lighter and the letter, and walk up to him as you start to burn it without opening the damn thing. Then say, "I don't want to hear it."
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
29 Dec 11
Hi Dawn.. He stopped talking about his mistakes because he has sensed that you dislike it... And we guys are like that.. if you tell a guy that you don't want to listen, you are tired of him; all he will do is to go into a shell and never return...
I have my blessings and prayers with you... Take care of yourself...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 11
Nope, he keeps coming back and coming back like the energizer bunny...
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
30 Dec 11
You have a new fella? Fantastic! I agree that many are not trapped , they just think they are.It comes down to if you have any hope. But there are many who Are trapped.As for your ex, if I were you He would have no idea that every time he spoke I would tune him out.He could talk and talk and once I needed to leave a room I would just go. Sooner or later he would figure it out that I don't care what he has to say!
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
30 Dec 11
Oh girl. he must love his work. If you can't get used to him working A lot , it may be over before it begins. Just go over his head to his assistant and get him/her to block off some time for you. I mean No one can move meetings around so you can have a hour or two like His assistant!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 11
Hopefully the housing market won't hold me down...
@bunnybon7 (50970)
• Holiday, Florida
30 Dec 11
you go girl. you are doing a lot better job at it then i ever did. do you think your new friend is hinting you move in his big house? when my mom decided to move back to ohio, i didnt want to go leave my job here. i was seeing John and he suggested moving into his guest room, no strings attached.well strings got attached from my end. the strings of my heart
of course you have kids and that makes it a little harder to figure out. 1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Dec 11
I"m not sure if he's hinting, but I do know he lives 2 hours away, and I"m not sure about moving my job or kids. But it's not fair to expect him to move either. My thought was we both try to get new jobs, and see who gets one first. If it really works out, that is.
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
28 Dec 11
That is so true! We feel trapped but we can always get out of being trapped! some people don't get out because they think there is no way out! Then there are some who talk about being trapped but never do anything about it! I work with three woman like that! All three have lousey marriages,complain how much they hate their job and do nothing to get out of the trap! All three could do something about their situations but never do! I think they love being trapped and making everyone else around them miserable because they are! Work would so much better with out their misery!
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Dec 11
Because the alternative is worse, probably. I completely get how scary it is to go out on your own. I'm living it. And many of those women are not nearly as well off as I am too, making less money, in worse health, etc. I feel for them. but right, they do have choices even so.
@bounce58 (17380)
• Canada
30 Dec 11
Although I'm not going through anything like your situation, I certainly do feel trapped!
I try to escape at work, but sometimes it also feels like a trap at work. To keep sane, I don't do great changes in my pattern. Instead, I make little gasps for air! At home and at work!
I hope 2012 would turn out to be a better one for you Dawn!
@changjiangzhibin89 (17239)
• China
30 Dec 11
Why does your ex-husband frequently bother you? I suspect some trick here.I am glad that you have one you love.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Dec 11
he still lives here until we can sell the house, and he thinks he has a chance...
@changjiangzhibin89 (17239)
• China
31 Dec 11
I am not sure if you mean he feels regret for his finishing with you and would like to become reconciled.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169439)
• United States
29 Dec 11
Sounds like Dawn is waking up to her new day and new possibilities. Good luck on becoming more free in the new year.
1 person likes this
@ksherrie (891)
• Singapore
29 Dec 11
I guess like you have described. I am trapped in my own routine.
I have to be daring to make certain changes in my life to make it better.
Thank you for sharing and making me understand certain things in life, it is up to myself to make that change in order to be free.
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 11
Often it is up to you. Of course, there are situations that you really cannot get out of (like being in prison), but often we make our own prisons in our minds, and we don't even realize it.
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Dec 11
oh dawn your ex has to go some time , whats up with him/ the divorce is final, you are just too kind for your own good girl'
Dawn do not let yourself feel trapped by your own choices. I think its great you are seeing someone. but be careful do not get another one like your ex .he sounds like he has problems but please do not
let them be your problems. let him figure out his own problems and solve them him self.your philosophy is a good one and i know I have
felt trapped when it was my own choice too, good thinking. you are a smart lady and don't ever forget it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 11
I know he has to go some time, but I'm not so sure he does.
As for the new guy, everything feels totally right, the way he talks and everything. Except the workaholic thing. sounds like he's getting frustrated with it though, and ready to make a change. We shall see...
As for the new guy, everything feels totally right, the way he talks and everything. Except the workaholic thing. sounds like he's getting frustrated with it though, and ready to make a change. We shall see...1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32189)
• United States
28 Dec 11
I am really glad you are looking at it differently now, I've had to do that more then once myself in different situations to make them better for me and to get "out" of that train of thought.
One thing though, getting away from him would help him too, hopefully wake him up.. Still, easier said then done.
Hope your new buea has time to relax, shouldn't ever work yourself into a frenzy.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 11
Hopefully after the new year the house will go up for sale, and if we're lucky we won't be stuck in it for a long time...
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
29 Dec 11
I can relate to the trapped feeling. I think that there are a ton of people that feel trapped in their current state. My trapped is my job too. I don't hate my job by any means but I feel like I am a slave to it. No job..no insurance or the livelihood I have become accustomed too. I tell myself that after my children are grown that I will have more choices. The truth is that I have choices now but there is that fear of the unknown. I know it wouldn't be the end of the world if I changed things but it's hard to change a routine that we have grown dependent on.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 11
yes, it's very hard, the unknown can be really scary!
@much2say (57760)
• Los Angeles, California
28 Dec 11
So true, Dawn. Sometimes we feel like we're locked in a cage, when in fact the key is in our pocket . . . just have to dig deep to find it, but it's there. I figured R would be like that - I applaud you for being the one to step up to the plate to get things done - even if it's more work for you - he's going to need that nudge nudge to get out once and for all. Ohhhh . . . and interesting about the guy you're seeing . . . I shall look for the updates! 
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 11
nudge nudge? how about a swift kick? lol
Well now, there may be updates. :-D
