My grandson has ODD....or Rant #114789
By celticeagle
@celticeagle (189792)
Boise, Idaho
June 12, 2012 1:21am CST
which is Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He is argumentative, disruptive, angry, wants his own way OR ELSE. His mother doesn't want to do what needs to be done. In that I mean that she doesn't want to make him mind her or make him accountable. He won't do what she askes of him so she yells at him. That makes him argue and sometimes he becomes enraged. One day he got so upset with me that he turned red in the face and started shaking because he was so angry. I can usually make him mind me. His mother can't. He throws a fit and she ends up doing whatever he wants her to do. We are in family therapy but it goes in one ear and right out the other. I am so livid this evening I don't know what to do. Everyday it is something else. Today he didn't take his A.M. meds until 2:30p. when I finally came downstairs. He took them immediately. He thinks I'm mean but I MAKE him mind. We are supposed to give options and not fall into his manipulative and combative or argumentative statements. We should ignore him but my daughter won't. SHe yells and gets aggitated.(She is told by the therapist to QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY) Lately she has been just shutting down and ignoring him. This is one thing partially that the therapist told her to do. Tell him she is going to take a break and then ignore him for afew minutes. But then he throws a fit and she lets him do whatever. It goes on and on. I am near the breaking point.
4 people like this
12 responses
@dansazz (1058)
• United States
12 Jun 12
This is very sad to hear. I think that with children the parents are defiantly the ones that need to do what is necessary. Most of the time it does no good to just yell at kids. Being aggitated, as i'm sure you know, is unavoidable. My best advice would be to try talking some sense into the mother, get her to listen to the therapist, they know what they are talking about. Because if he wont mind his mother, who will he mind? Kids always think your mean, they want to get whatever they want and if they don't get it you are mean and they hate you and blah blah. All part of it. But you already know that as you are a mother and grandmother. Goodluck with this, I wish the best for you. Take some time to relax and calm down, maybe pamper yourself a little bit, then get back into it.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jun 12
He will do as I say but I am not going to raise him. He thinks I am mean because I am doing what she needs to. Making him accountable. Ya, I just need to leave and have a day to myself I think. This gets so old. He can be a very nice little guy but it is getting rarer and rarer.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169406)
• United States
12 Jun 12
I hope you do take a day for yourself. It will then put the burden on her and it will relieve some of the stress you are feeling as well.
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@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jun 12
She's the one that needs a day to herself. She never gets one. He is always demanding something. SHe can't even go out on the front porch for a cig break without him demanding that she come back in. It's horrible and with school out right now it is nearly 24/7.
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
12 Jun 12
I am so sorry celt, I can relate and why my daughter won't visit me anymore. See, it is your daughter's responsibility to raise her child, which includes discipline if needed. If the parent won't take action, then the child will rebel, because whether they know it or not, children need guidance.
I don't know the background of your daughter raising her child, but my daughter had her firstborn son, then a year later, surprise, I had given birth to my fourth child, also a boy. Then the next year, she had her second and last child, a boy. Today these boys ages are 11,10,and 9. But when the youngest was about 12-18 months old and would "throw a fit" at my home, where my own son watched, they parents did nothing until I went to the child myself and told him we "do not act this way here"
I may not have done this if I didn't have my own son, but I couldn't very well allow a child to come into my son's home and act up when my child isn't allowed to. So then the father started "cuddling" his son whenever he got upset, and then the family stopped coming altogether.
I don't have solution for you, I am sure you don't want to chase your daughter away. I didn't, but she gave me no choice, either her or my son and since was she was "adult" I picked my son over her and because of her parenting, her boys misbehave horribly, but that is the price she pays for not putting her foot down.
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
13 Jun 12
Oh, I see now, wow I am so sorry, now for you and what you have to live with. I don't know how you do it, I would go crazy. You must be very patient to live with your daughter and her son and venting here is a good thing, because even the most even tempered people need to vent..
Here is a hug for you to get you through..:)
Here is a hug for you to get you through..:)1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
13 Jun 12
No problem celt, glad I was able to encourage you, I know you will make it through this..
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jun 12
We know this and my daughter has gotten into the practice of letting it get to a point where she lets him do whatever. I understand your situation but in mine I have commited to live here with my daughter and help her raise her son. She is bi-polar and has a learning disability. SHe can't do it alone. I try to back her up and remind her what she needs to do. He is so very hard to deal with. I could tell you so many stories. Ugh! Won't take his pills, can't get out of the bath without his mother there, has to have her there all the time. SHe can't take a break or go outside without him there wanting her to do something for him. Yelling and being disruptive. It is hell on Earth!! And all this is the price she (and I) pay for her not putting her foot down. She is getting better. Long way to go though. And we go nuts until then.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169406)
• United States
12 Jun 12
That would be a very hard situation to live in. I am afraid I would be angry a lot myself, and would forget to do what I should and yell instead. Quit taking it personally is easy to say,but if your own pattern has always been to get angry it is sooooooo hard to stop
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169406)
• United States
12 Jun 12
Sorry about the double post. I had it deleted. I thought the post did not take at all. I was using a 3G stick while on the road and that gets slow and then hangs and doubles.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jun 12
I know nothing about this new technology. Just my laptop. No cell phone or anything else.
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jun 12
And with ODD our anger just feeds them. Its what they want! It is so aggravating. Ugh! Eek! and Geesh!lol
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (11383)
• United States
12 Jun 12
It is very frustrating dealing with someone who has ODD. My oldest son was diagnosed when he was in the 6th grade. He was doing miserably at school and at home he was constantly hitting or yelling at his younger brothers. He went to therapy and was on a daily dose of medication. Your daughter needs to really listen to what the therapist says and do it. Another thing that helped with my son was a better controlled diet. I was very happy when he finally out grew the stage. Good luck and blessings.
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jun 12
My grandson was diagnosed early on. He hits his mother constantly. The other day with a bike tire pump. My daughter has a learning disability so it is really tough for her to keep a concept in her head. I am here to remind her. Even that doesn't do much at times. Ugh!
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
19 Jun 12
WIth the help of the family therapist he is getting better. It is a long haul. I just want to put forth the battle now so he is this way when he is towering over her at 6" 4' and being agressive with her then. He needs to learn to be respectful now. His ODD causes alot of it. Anger and Defiance.
@Shellyann36 (11383)
• United States
16 Jun 12
Oh goodness that is not good at all. My son always took his aggression out on his younger brothers (not much younger than him). He would get mad at me and blow up like a bull frog but he would never hit me or call me names or anything of that sort. I wish you the best of luck with the situation. It sounds as if it is much worse than mine was.
1 person likes this
@suzzy3 (8341)
•
18 Jun 12
I feel so sad for you what a terrible way to live for you and him and your daughter.In the old days we would give them a slap and that would stop mostof it.He see's his mother as a soft touch it must be so hard for her.It is a recognised illness.She must not feel guilty about having to mind her.Ignoring constant bad behaviour is hard. My children could normally be stopped by a warning or having a toy taken away. We had a star chart for my youngest son who went through a bad stage.He used to love getting a silver or gold stick or star but hated getting a black mark.It worked a treat.We could not beleave the difference it made.In fact when the school suggested it we all laughed but gave it a go.It was like a miracle.I don't agree with hitting a child but sometimes a small slap used to do the job and everyone in the house could relax .play and enjoy life including the child.Children need boundaries kind boundaries,My heart goes out to you and your family.I do hope your daughter listens health worker,there has been a lot of research into child behaviour over the last 25 years and some of the things they suggest seems pointless but they do work.There must be a group which your daughter can join to support her through this.Good luck,
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
19 Jun 12
It has been very tough. I think in a normal child they wouldn't be hitting and so forth. But with the oppositional and defiance of this disorder it makes him not able to make the better choice. His meds help and he is getting better. But my daughter has to be consistant in her demanding respect from him. And she isn't always. So the therapist is working on both of them. And I am trying to remind her and be there for her.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
24 Jun 12
I can imagine how hard this must be. I know this is a very late response and I am sorry for that. This makes me remember a question that my psychology teacher told us was becoming the norm when treating families...is it the parents or the child that is causing the issues. Now we all think of children as being innocent..and they are BUT there are also personalities to consider and just like in the world with other adult people..they sometimes clash. Your daughter certainly needs to stand her ground. He is getting older and will want to run the roost if you know what I mean. If you and her could sit down and come up with a plan where you and her are on the same page...and support each other...that, in my opinion, would be the way to go. I do know that you have tried everything, so this response may not be of any help but I am thinking of you and I hope you and her can get this fixed.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Jun 12
My daughter is doing alot better. I wrote the discussion after a three week period of her just shutting down. She would just get the screaming meemies and not use any of the tools she had been taught. I got mad! I gave her a sound talking to and it seemed to work. Being on the same page is very important. She even told me one Saturday she had totally forgotten he was on restriction. Here I was putting down the rules and she wasn't. I was irate. She is very narcissistic and sometimes things just go down the towdy because it is all about her. Hard to deal with at times. Things are going better now though. She is using the tools and it really makes a BIG difference. I was beginning to wonder there for awhile though. OMG!
@flowerchilde (12529)
• United States
12 Jun 12
Sometimes I think it borders on abuse, after all they are in their formative years and if they cannot learn self control (and habits of peace and happiness) they may suffer with poor self control all their life and in all their relationships.. also this sort of thing and progress into aggressive and intimidating behavior, especially as a teen and then often directed towards the parents, even to parent or elder abuse..
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jun 12
Yes, adult abuse! lol This child has to be taught that being disruptive and abusive to his mother isn't going to get him his way. He hit her with a bicycle tire pump yesterday because she wouldn't get him something he could very well get himself. This is what his mother goes through on a daily basis. Pinched, gooaged, hit, kicked, and yelled at constantly. He's crying in the bath tub right now because his mom won't come to him as he is demanding.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
12 Jun 12
well tell her if she wants him to change she has to change. I am or was a therapist, I am retired now.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jun 12
I thought you were something along those lines. Yes, she has been told. She gets combative and doesn't help the problem. Hard for her to change. SHe has a learning disability and its hard for her to track.
@bunnybon7 (50970)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Jun 12
you are a very good mother and grandma. you know what is good for him to learn. he will never survive if he doesnt learn he cant always have his way and hold his temper some. otherwise he 3wont survive cause others may not put up with those things when hes grown. 
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Jun 12
Thank you so much. I hope that when my grandson is a youngman he still loves me and all. He has told me I am mean and a bit.ch so much lately I have begun to believe it. lol? He can be such a sweetie and is so dear to my heart. And then I want to ring his neck! Grrrr!
@jazel_juan (15745)
• Philippines
13 Jun 12
That must be really hard celticeagle especially for the mother. Even tho the therapist did say to not take it personally, it is still hard as it is her son and sometimes you need to have a very long patience especially with someone who has an ODD..
this is the first time i have heard of this and it is something i am glad i read about today as here in our country i am not aware if we have specialist who could determine such disorders unlike in your country there are. But i know there are kids here with such disorders and i am not sure how they are dealt but more likely like any other kid and is punished for it... which is sad.
I hope you will can find more patience for him and pray
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Jun 12
Yes, patience is a great thing to have. Hopefully you won't ever have to worry about the ODD. It can be horrid!
@MandaLee (3804)
• United States
14 Jun 12
That is sad. All children need structure and discipline. O.D.D. children need discipline and structure even more so. I am so glad that he minds you. Following the therapist's advice would be helpful on everyone's part. Getting aggitated and yelling is no solution.
My prayers are with you, my friend.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Jun 12
Thank you ML. She is getting better. It is a struggle to be sure.
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
14 Jun 12
This is the first time I have heard of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Your daughter sure is not dealing with her son properly! She really needs an attitude adjustment! Unfourtunely she needs to do it to herself! Nobody can do it for her! Until she does this will continue to not handle her son the way he needs to be!
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189792)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Jun 12
She is trying. It is very hard for her. There are reasons for it. Long story. But she also has a learning disability and bi-polar disorder. You should read up on them. Hard to deal with. I have been getting angry the last few days and she is shaping up. It is hard for her to remember. SHe gets so upset when he hits her all the time she can't think what the right thing to do would be.
