Paranoia
By angel_smiles
@Lolaze (5092)
St. Louis, Missouri
August 10, 2015 6:57am CST
One of the issues I deal with on a daily basis is paranoia. It's not what you'd think - I don't feel like the government is watching me or anything like you've seen portrayed in movies of people with mental illness. My paranoia is much more subtle, but just as damaging. Some of it is learned, as I grew up with a mother who experiences extreme paranoia herself. The rest is caused by some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain that my doctors have yet to find the relight medication for. It is exhausting and stressful.
The most exhausting type of paranoia is that I feel I'm always being judged and not believed. These come straight as learned behaviors from my mom. As I was growing up, I watched her fixate obsessively on what other people thought of her and our family. Everything had to seem perfect - probably because she was terrified someone would figure out the extreme verbal, physical, and sexually abuse I was being subjected to. She also instilled in me that I always had to explain my actions and defend anything I did. As an adult, I found myself making myself look guilty with long winded explanations of something I'd just done when none were required. These two types of learned paranoia I've been able to combat through therapy and am making good progress on fighting.
The other things I experience are not so easy to overcome. I often feel like I'm being followed when I'm driving or that there are cameras watching me. The feeling of cameras recently happened when I was babysitting for some friends. I was sure they had placed hidden cameras around their house to catch me not doing a good enough job watching their kids. When I finally started looking behind picture frames, where I was sure hidden cameras were placed, I found nothing of course! These types of paranoia are not as easy to deal with in therapy as the first ones I mentioned, but at least I can disprove them pretty easy.
All in all, dealing with the paranoia is exhausting though. There are plenty of times by 5pm that I am ready to collapse from exhaustion! It drains me mentally and physically. I keep hoping they will find the right combination of medicines to control these things without totally knocking me out, but I don't know that they ever will.
12 people like this
11 responses
@UnkyGreggy (171)
• Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11 Aug 15
I don't know the extremes of paranoia, but I've been cautious everywhere I am because of the society we live in... Is that old man going to call the cops on me because I walk down his street? Why is that cop creeping in his cruiser behind me as I walk to the store? 54 mph should be slow enough, why is that cop tail gating me? You understand?
1 person likes this
@cmoneyspinner (9218)
• Austin, Texas
10 Aug 15
You are well on your way to overcoming paranoia because you recognize its existence. Nobody can ever get past or get over something if they deny that it's there in the first place. Agree with @inertia4 - Paranoia is not a good thing. It's a weight. It bears down on you and makes you tired because in addition to just getting on with "normal" everyday living, you devote time and effort to "work" on unnecessary "extra stuff" when you could be doing something more productive like ... resting and relaxing in a field of flowers! 
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
10 Aug 15
Would you object if I slapped your mother upside the head? Paranoia is indeed an exhausting state of mind. I'm glad that you are getting better at dealing with it. One step at a time....
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
10 Aug 15
@mythociate I asked permission! And any mother who does to a child what was done to Lola deserves a slap upside the head!
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
11 Aug 15
@Lolaze Good to know..........so let's hope she and I never meet. She wouldn't like me when I was angry....
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Aug 15
I can identify with the pain and frustration you are experiencing. No, I don't suffer from paranoia, at least not much, but I can't seem to have a serious conversation with anyone without starting to cry. My daughter gets so aggravated with me when I try to talk to her and I believe that if I could just get someone to listen I could overcome this depression. Hardly anyone is interested in listening to the problems of others though so we continue to suffer.
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (27978)
• United States
10 Aug 15
Being paranoid is not a good thing. I have some things I stress over. But I personally don't really care what people think of me. Mainly because when I was growing up, I was never the popular one. So I learned to stay to myself and be myself. I never tried to fit it. It wasn't worth the effort. And besides, I didn't want to be like the rest. What fun would that be. My girlfriend is somewhat paranoid. Hers comes from guilt. Always being guilted into doing something and it rains to this day. And with her mouth, she always winds up becoming wrong from starting out right.
@inertia4 (27978)
• United States
10 Aug 15
@mythociate Why are you adding a link here. Couldn't you just comment?
@inertia4 (27978)
• United States
15 Aug 15
@mythociate Well, you could write the doctors name in your response. Links are fine, but not all the time.
@inertia4 (27978)
• United States
16 Aug 15
@mythociate Whatever. I hope you're not referring to movies here. That would be stupid.
@TiarasOceanView (70020)
• United States
10 Aug 15
Hi Lola, though I can relate to paranoia aspect of things, in some cases, in todays world with cameras everywhere..it is easy to understand why someone would feel that way.
1 person likes this
@flpoolbum (2978)
• United States
18 Aug 15
"A little paranoia is a good thing!", is a sentiment have stated very often. It helps you to be more aware of my surroundings, look around before getting out of my car, making sure that my doors are LOCKED as soon as I get into my car or house. All of my life, I felt like people were watching, judging and laughing at me. Some of the really extreme instances, for example, when I'm walking toward my house from my car and see a car coming down the road in my direction. I was sure that they were after me, so I rushed into the house and got away from the windows. When crossing a street on foot, I felt that every car would try to run me over! Thankfully, it isn't that bad, most of the time, anyways.
@Porcospino (31365)
• Denmark
10 Aug 15
My husband suffers from paranoia. A couple of days ago my husband went for a walk in our local area. A policecar suddenly showed up and my husband (who has never done anything illegal) believed that they were searching for him. Actually they were just passing through the area, and it had nothing to do with him. There are many similar situations, and he often believes that people are following him or watching him.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
10 Aug 15
It is hard for me to identify with this but I am so sorry that you have so much to deal with and really hope that all these issues will be resolved soon. don't lose hope!
@jstory07 (148720)
• Roseburg, Oregon
11 Aug 15
I hope you are able to cope with your paronia and it will get better.
