The Fat Waiter Warns You Not To Sit With Him!

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(WARNING: SOME OF THIS MIGHT MAKE YOU FEEL NAUSEATED!) Let's say that I am the only fat waiter who has done many, if not all, the things listed below (though I know I'm not.) To be honest I don't know if I have the guts (pardon the pun) to write/confess everything but here goes: A fat waiter is going to sweat--even if the dining room is cold the kitchen isn't--and guess where the beads of perspiration will end up on? Not to forget the side towel he will use to wipe the sweat off his brow that he will also use to clean tables, wipe off a spoon, etc. A fat waiter, if he has access to the desserts, and most do dole out the ice cream at least, will swipe his finger in the ice cream, lick it off and, in all probability, without washing the finger do it again. Your portion of food will be a bit smaller than if served by a thin waiter--the fat waiter will eat one of your fries from the pick up station to your table--or a shrimp--or a piece of salami from your antipasto--or pick a piece of pepperoni of the pizza--or eat the wafer that comes with the dessert. The fat waiter (if you don't offer him a piece) will somehow or another get a piece of your birthday cake if not while packing the leftover slices to go then before serving it--many ways to cover the indentation of the part he ate. If you tell the fat waiter to put your leftover food in a doggie bag he will probably take it to the back and eat something from the dish before he packs it--for many reasons I suggest you ask the server (fat or thin) to bring the box/bag to you and you pack it yourself. I once worked in a steak house--Dan Stampler's Steak Joint on Greenwich Avenue in the Village in NYC--where I would collect the prime rib and steak bones plus any meat or fat left on a customer's plate for my dog--you already know I didn't have a dog, didn't you? When I worked at Picciolo's in Miami Beach I would save all the leftover pizza slices and put them into a take out box to bring to my neighbors--funny, they were never home so I had to eat it all! This fat waiter, addicted to food, did many shameful things with food--yours and his--that I won't get into beyond what I have already mentioned except to say breath a sigh of relief that I am now thin and retired! I lost my massive amount of fat when I was working at The Brass Rail in NYC at 47th and 7th in 1967 and I will never forget one of my steady customer's remarks regarding how surprised he was that the portions had gotten bigger and the prices hadn't gone up--if he only knew!