My annual pre-Thanksgiving breakdown

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My husband died March 21, 2011. The Thanksgiving after he died was the hardest holiday for me to get through of all the holidays during the year. I will never understand why it was like that but it is the same thing every year. Today I woke up and didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep but I had to babysit my little nephew for a few hours. I just felt more emotional and sad and filled with anxiety the longer the day went on. I developed a headache along with it. I could not figure out why I was feeling this way. I looked at the calendar so I knew I didn't have PMS. I made sure to eat and that didn't help. I got enough sleep so I knew that wasn't the problem. I was doing the dishes when I finally realized what the problem was. Every year I struggle with the days before Thanksgiving. I get such bad anxiety. The first few years I spent the day with my head in the toilet. I don't understand why it is but it is the same anxiety around the same time every year since his death. It isn't so raw as it was then. I used to wonder when this grieving would get better. I realized about a month ago that it will never get "better". It is less raw but better is never a word I will associate with his death. People who break their arms get better. People who have a cold get better. Living through someone you love dying does not get "better". I think it is an important thing I realized this. It will never get "better" but I will get through it one day at a time .