Jaws The New Directors Cut

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I’m a time traveller. I used to work in the shipyards on Galifrey which is why they call me The Docker. One day back in the 33 century I was assigned to come to Earth to stop the greatest evils in human history. I thought of killing Hitler or saving Jesus from the cross, but I knew when I watched it that I had to stop Stephen Spielberg making Jaws. I mean let’s get our priorities right here. I went to Spiely’s house just before he started filming in 1975, and brought him forward a few years. I tried to get him to open a joint bank account with me but he wouldn’t so I knew I had a tough assignment. I pointed a gun at him and made him sit down and watch the sequels, Jaws 2, Jaws 3D and Jaws The Revenge. I threw in the Sharknado films as well for bad measure. “That’s your legacy,” I said. “If you don’t make the film of Benchley’s boring book, we won’t have to sit through all this other crap.” “Do you mind?” he said. “I love these movies. In fact, I see I go on to direct the second Jaws film myself.” Damn, I forgot about that. I’d just given him the material. I thought fast. “Don’t you think it’s a bit far fetched having a shark eating a helicopter?” “Nah,” he said shaking his head. “I’d have scripted it into Jaws One if I’d thought of it then.” “Even that’s rubbish,” I said. “Bullets won’t actually blow up a scuba tank. It’s been tried.” “Poetic license,” said the director. “It’s better than in the book where the shark just swims off and sinks from its wounds so no one knows what happened to it.” “But your clockwork bathtub toy shark looks stupid,” I said. “Your film left poor Robert Shaw half the man he was when you started filming.” Spielberg sighed. “I still get royalties off the ones I didn’t make, right? I’m down to my Last $5 billion now. I’m a bit strapped for cash. “You will get money for all the Jaws spin offs, but not for the Sharknado dross, though without Jaws they might never have been made.That's why you have to stop or change your movie.” “You mean I have no copyright on shark footage or even the word shark? I’m sacking my lawyers.” I was running out of ideas when he asked me if Jaws would bag him an Oscar. “No,” I said, but “Oskar Schindler will when you make a movie about him.” Spiely asked me about that. I told him that Schindler’s List had evil Nazis in it so it was terribly earnest. Spiely got excited and told me he’d learned his lesson and then promised to make changes to Jaws. I brought him home to Hollywood. Sadly, that is why Jaws today has swastikas on his fins and talks German. Now I’m off to find George Lucas and get him to redo The Phantom Menace with extra Jar-Jar Binks. Bye folks. Arthur Chappell