How Would You Correct This Text?
@Ruby3881 (1963)
Canada
April 10, 2016 8:32pm CST
I was reading a quick news story about Bernie Sanders eating a hot dog in New York, and I found this one passage really awkward:
"Surrounded by a crush of cameras and cheering supporters Mr. Sanders, the senator from Vermont, came to the famous establishment with his wife, Jane, and Michael Stipe, the former frontman for the band R.E.M., after holding a rally on the nearby boardwalk." (Yamiche Alcindor, "Bernie Sanders Did Not Disappoint at Coney Island")
Are you the type who wants to grab a red (or blue) pencil and correct a passage like this? I sure am! I could probably think of at least two or three ways to reword this run-on sentence. I'll bet I'm not alone!
Do you have a burning urge to fix what's wrong with a sentence like this? Feel free to share your corrections!
[Image: OpenIcons/Pixabay, CC0]
12 people like this
10 responses
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
11 Apr 16
Okay Bernie Sanders,senator from Vermont came to the hot dog stand with his wife Jane. Michael Sipe, former fronts man for the band Rem was with them, Michael Stipe had been holding a rally o n the nearby broadwalk. My reversion hatley here
2 people like this
@allknowing (153544)
• India
12 Apr 16
(Yamiche Alcindor, "Bernie Sanders Did Not Disappoint at Coney Island")
Mr. Sanders, the senator from Vermont, after holding a rally on the nearby boardwalk. came to the famous establishment with his wife Jane and Michael Stipe (the former frontman for the band R.E.M), surrounded by a crush of cameras and cheering supporters.
2 people like this
@Ruby3881 (1963)
• Canada
12 Apr 16
Honestly, my friend, I think you couldn't do much worse than the author did! Besides the sentence structure for French and English is close enough that, with your level of English mastery, you shouldn't find it too difficult to express those thoughts in a grammatically correct paragraph 
@Sheilamarie78 (2586)
• Canada
11 Apr 16
First line: should be a comma after "supporters." That would help in the reading. Other than that, the wording could be simplified by making the excerpt into two sentences. The information about the boardwalk rally would be better in a different sentence and maybe the description of Michael Stipe as well. There's too much information in one sentence. This overload tends to lose the reader's attention. I like the excitement in the first phrase, though.
1 person likes this
@Ruby3881 (1963)
• Canada
11 Apr 16
Pretty much what I thought. Especially about that missing comma, and the excitement in that first phrase.
@Morleyhunt (21741)
• Canada
11 Apr 16
Truly an awkward sentence. Not only should it be more than one sentence, it should probably be more than one paragraph.
1 person likes this
@Ruby3881 (1963)
• Canada
11 Apr 16
Not sure I'd make a second paragraph. I'd agree it's more than one sentence, though. Sad that writing like this is featured in the professional media today....
@puddleglum (1380)
• United States
11 Apr 16
If it absolutely must be one sentence, I would say, "Following a rally at a nearby Boardwalk, Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders, his wife, Jane, and former R.E.M. frontman, Michael Stipe, arrived at the famous establishment surrounded by a crush of cameras and cheering supporters."
My preference would be to break it up into two sentences.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (381760)
• Rockingham, Australia
11 Apr 16
I love this sort of exercise but I'm on a very tight timeline at the moment so unfortunately I'm going to have to pass. I've cooking a meal for 8 tonight and the beepers just gone for me to put the vegies on.
@LindaCPearson (2240)
• United States
12 Apr 16
Rearrange starting with "After holding a rally...." Also, way too much usuage of the word "the." Then divide into 2 sentences.
@AliCanary (4387)
•
12 Dec 16
Challenge accepted! My contribution: "Surrounded by a crush of cameras and cheering supporters, Senator Sanders, his wife, Jane, and Michael Stipe, former frontman for the band R.E.M., came to the famous establishment after holding a rally on the nearby boardwalk."
There's no need to stuff the state he represents in there, too--it can be elsewhere.
