Breathe (Journal#8)

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As long as I can remember I've always had this void in my life, this empty feeling deep inside of me that I can't quite shake no matter how hard you try. It consumes and eats away at you, you have great happy moments and just when you think you're fine...surprise... The feeling always comes back, it's just a matter of time. The constant frustration to fill this void, something to ease the pain. What's the cause? Nobody knows, but you feel this sad emptiness every single day. It leaves you feeling so empty and down, like you're missing something somehow. Something that is a big part of me and once I have it I'll be happy. I just need that one thing, this missing key, and once i get my hands on it I'll be complete. I've tried everything, friends, education, material stuff and no matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough...It sucks People tell me that I just need to think more positively or the solution is self-love but it's not as simple as that, not when you've gotten to the point where you just feel numb. I want, so badly, to fill my heart with so much happiness it takes all of the sadness away. My childhood was so dark and angry, I always thought in my adult life things would change, somehow I would no longer feel the same and I don't, things aren't as intense anymore but there is no denying that this feeling is always there and it is something that I cannot explain. I just wish it would go away. You look at other people and they always seem so happy, you observe people's lives whether it be in person, social media, TV, and it always seems to come to them so naturally. I know that stuff can be misleading but when you feel so empty you can't help but look and think why can't that be me? You feel like you're doing all of the right things, you're hanging out with friends, talking, dancing to silly music, in the moment you feel great, you're in a good, happy place but sooner or later that feeling goes away. I tend to feel a lot at night, that is when I start to write. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by emotions I just start to cry, and I don't know why. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, and it's sad to admit but it's easier to lie and pretend that everything is fine. I say that I'm fine then my past affects my adult life, I lash out, get down out of nowhere, and I cannot explain why. It just gets so messed up in my head sometimes. You can't escape it, not when it's all happening in your mind so you beat yourself up until you feel so small. Sometimes you can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone. I can put on an act and pretend to be tough, but deep down I never quite feel brave enough. You can feel so small in this big world that I feel like all I have are my words to keep my sense of control. These poems, they're like my therapy, you know? A way to release and pour out my soul, in hopes that it will make me feel better and somehow fill this empty hole. One day I'll be able to look back at everything and I won't hurt so much anymore. I'll be able to look back on what happened and not feel so sore because there's no cure, there's no quick way to fix it, it's just something that you learn to live with. But, it will get easier, of that I'm sure. You are not the demons in your mind, you are not the hurt and pain you feel on the inside. You are stronger than that. Understand that it is all temporary and these things take time. Just breathe and let the problems fade behind.