Just like this stream has worn a path in the ground

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Just like this stream has worn a path in the ground, life can wear a path in our minds. Some of those paths are good ones...some are not. I'm not so much concerned here with the good ones, take care of those. Tend them. Love them. They are worth it. No, I am concerned here with the less than good ones, the ones that were made to cope with things bigger than ourselves that aren't and never were healthy. Those are the ones I am talking about. For example, let's just say, over time, I have been conditioned to fear a certain level of anger. It's a tone, a facial expression, or a combination of things I can't even yet identify. And when those things combine into an event, I react with fear. Even if the anger wasn't directed at me, I could be somewhere and someone stub their toe, be hopping around, but if it sounds and acts a certain way, nope am already taking off the opposite direction. It's rather embarrassing really. Just like having a panic attack in public remains embarrassing, despite years of dealing with them. What's worse is when someone I care about is angry, again, not even necessarily directed towards me. This could be justifiable righteous anger over an injustice, or a simple banging of the elbow, and I still react at the same way. Then I feel bad for letting this crop up again....as if I could control it. Which I cannot, not yet anyways. I know there are ways to deal, and I have a bad feeling it is going to take some serious controlled exposure and reconditioning to break out of these old paths. The thought of which almost causes me to shut down just pondering it. Let me just say this, no matter how embarrassed you are, having been emotional abused is no laughing matter, and nothing to feel ashamed of. Your reactions the way you learned to cope, might not be the best things for you now, but you needed something then, and it is what it is. Thank your mind for finding a path, any path, that kept you sane...well sane-ish and look forward to ways of making things better, not beating yourself up for what was. Take those past lessons, but live in the present.