How Do I Cope?~ Part One

Tweet

I have had depression in some form all my life. I think my mom and my grandfather both were depressed people and I get it from them down through the family line. I have learned to cope when it gets really bad over the years by fantasizing I am in some other world. Traveling and living a happier and more productive life. I was diagnosed in 2006 with severe depression with panice attacks. I was in the midst of a guardianship with a troubled grandchild. I finally realized, after she nearly pushed me down the stairs one day, that I couldn't do this anymore. She had been charged with hitting me and was in juvie for a few days. When they called to have me come and get her I didn't. I knew I couldn't handle it anymore. She would wait until I went to sleep at night and then take off. I'd wake up the next morning and no child. So I would have to call her in as a run away and miss work to do so. Or, the school would call me and she was refusing to be in class and would be setting in the principal's office when I came to get her. That meant a lot of missed work time. She refused to see a counselor. She refused to take medication. I just couldn't try to work with her anymore. That was a very hard time and that was when I was diagnosed. I took a early retirement and got on SSI. I have acquired social anxiety and am now house bound. I live here with my daughter trying to help her raise her last child, Joshua who has ODD. She is bi-po[ar and can't do it alone. If she tried and I tried to have a decent life on my own(which many professionals and others alike have told me I should do)I would feel so guilty, that I hadn't done everything I could to help her, because Josh would probably be in foster care within three months. My daughter's last PSR(called CBRS's now)told me one time that she can't do this without me here to help her. In the worst of times I have horrible panic attacks. Shaking, rashes, crying. Patheticness personified. So, I have learned to meditate and take myself away from it all for a period of time. It is a decision I have made to be here and help my daughter. But, there are times I have Cami in a manic phase and acting like a immature teen and I have Josh in a fit of pure rage and anger. Thank the gods for medication!! I used to be a nonbeliever and I did everything natural. But, with fires being started and fear of death I have gone over to the medication side. In the last 2-3 years I have seen a big change for the better in both of them. I am so thankful to doctors, counselors and PSR workers for their help and encouragement. But, how have I coped? Read the second part.