When hate goes away
By Fleur
@Fleura (29075)
United Kingdom
July 17, 2019 9:15am CST
I had quite an unpleasant time at secondary school. Not that I was beaten up or told to go and kill myself or anything like that, but just constant low-level stuff that eats away at you day after day. Some of the more unpleasant boys in my class used to open the windows and make vomiting noises as I walked past, for example.
As soon as I was able I left school, and moved away to university with the intention of never going back. And it was the best decision, I have to say, I have had an absolutely marvellous life! But I digress…
Fast forward about 25 years, and one of those nasty little boys has become a postman and is now responsible for the regular round that includes my parents’ home. My mother, who loves to chat to anyone and of course knows nothing about what went on at school, introduced him to me one day when I was visiting – ‘Do you remember so-and-so? He says he was in the same class as you!’
I wanted to say ‘I certainly do – I absolutely hate him! He was such a nasty little piece of work who did his best to make my life a misery!’ but of course I didn’t, I just sort of said ‘Mm’ or some such non-committal noise and after that, whenever I saw the post van coming down the road, I would make myself scarce.
Then one day when visiting my parents I inadvertently came into the garden and found my Mum chatting to him, and before I made my escape I overheard her asking him about his recent holiday and he telling her that he’d been to Ardnamurchan, a remote peninsula in western Scotland, and how much he loved it there.
And suddenly, everything changed. I found that I could no longer harbour that hatred for someone who loved a place I love!
By now, about another ten years later, both my parents have died, but I still visit the house and today as I set out I passed the postman on the road and almost without thinking, for the first time, I lifted my hand to wave to him.
Maybe by the time 50 years have passed I might even have a chat.
All rights reserved. © Text copyright Fleur 2019.
Image of Ardnamurchan © copyright Walkhighlands.co.uk
15 people like this
15 responses
@owlwings (43915)
• Cambridge, England
17 Jul 19
People change. Often the pure nastiness and detestable behaviour they display as adolescents is a big cover up for the sensitive people they are underneath.They have to cover it up because they fear being thought 'sissies' by their peers. The sad thing is that their peers are probably just as sensitive as they are but can't, of course, show and, instead, have to make a big outward show of solidarity with the other boys. Why they chose to make your life such a misery, I don't know (not knowing or having known you) but it was very likely something quite inconsequential and superficial which grew into a 'thing'. Sad to say, but I've probably taken part in similar completely unjustified practices against girls in my time. Girls, of course, have quite different and equally nasty ways of despising boys they dislike (often for no reason at all), as you're probably aware.
Yes, you're probably right. It could take another 50 years before you can bring yourself to say hello. Shame, isn't it. He might even be quite nice, really!
4 people like this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 19
Yes I know, it's mostly about the desire to 'fit in' and all that. Sometimes I ask myself if I ever did anything nasty to anyone in that vein, but I don't think I did. It certainly stays with you for a long time - but see my reply to @MALUSE.
2 people like this
@owlwings (43915)
• Cambridge, England
17 Jul 19
@Fleura I'm sure that you weren't one of those who were intentionally nasty. I don't think I was, really. There are people who do the picking on and those who always seem to be picked on and I was usually one of the latter but I'm sure that I tried being the former at times in order to avoid being picked on myself. I think there's a certain age when most people feel very insecure and some deal with it one way and others another.
2 people like this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 19
I think the whole thing originally started because I was teased about the fact that I spoke very quickly. And from that I just became 'the' person to pick on. Funnily enough the boy in question was also teased because of the way he pronounced his own name. I didn't join in with that, but I certainly didn't bother to stick up for him either!
1 person likes this
@cherriefic (10400)
• Philippines
17 Jul 19
Maybe forgiving what he did from the past can be a good idea to lift off that baggage from your shoulders.
3 people like this
@cherriefic (10400)
• Philippines
19 Jul 19
@Fleura Maybe it is the magic word indeed. It's alright not feeling hate anymore. Maybe there's a reason why you keep on bumping into each other after a very long time.
2 people like this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 19
@cherriefic @TheHorse @just4him Me too, and I agree, hate just gnaws away at the person who hates and has no effect at all on the object of hatred! But it isn't as easy as that, I'm not sure it's something you can choose to do. I really hated him from somewhere deep within myself.
But then once I overheard him say how he loved Ardnamurchan it was really weird, it wasn't a conscious decision but I found that even when I dwelt on his previous nastiness, I simply couldn't feel that hatred any more, even if I wanted to. It was as if he had said a magic word and Pfft! it was gone, just like that.
3 people like this
It took a lot of time, but you finally did something to end the hostilities. May be in some more years you may have a chat.
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 19
I wouldn't be at all surprised, or he would just laugh it off.
In complete contrast, I bumped into one of his horrible little accomplices on the street about a year after leaving school. He actually apologised for being so nasty to me, which I accepted, and that was the end of the matter. I have barely given him a thought since (nor ever seen him again), and don't harbour any bad feelings towards him. It just goes to show, I suppose, the power of a simple apology (as long as it is sincere and not just to avoid being sued!)
2 people like this
@TheHorse (204970)
• Walnut Creek, California
17 Jul 19
Great story! Hanging on to hate is a burden to the hater. I had a similar experience recently, except *I* was the jerk. At summer camp, when I was 11 or 12, I put Betsy M's recorder (she was always playing it, and it drove me nuts) in an old pile of road apples. I was a compassionate jerk, and made sure it was old and dry road apples, not fresh and moist road apples. Recently, we happened to be on the same thread on Facebook, and I reminded her of the incident and apologized. She accepted my apology, and we continued conversing on the thread as adults.
3 people like this
@1hopefulman (45123)
• Canada
17 Jul 19
I wonder if he remembers the sad things he did to you? 
I'm glad to see a healing of old wounds taking place within you! 
I'm glad to see a healing of old wounds taking place within you! 1 person likes this
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
18 Jul 19
I have never hated anyone in School or even at work but I cannot say that they have not hurt my feelings either.
That was really nasty of him to do such things also and what a change in him I was thinking if he really remembers what he did?
However its good that you can feel so different about him now.
1 person likes this
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
18 Jul 19
@Fleura
One boy in our class in the last year used to tease me a lot and years later he told me that of course he remembered the smartest girl in the Class and I was totally gobsmacked really as I had no idea that that was his concept of me at that time.
So just goes to show that sometimes someone can think the contrary to what they say in that moment.
He might not even really remember what he did or even said some don´t I know you do obviously and the memory of it stays with you just how much the intensity of it all depends on how much it hurt us I guess.
1 person likes this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
18 Jul 19
@lovinangelsinstead21 That's very true and the way other people perceive us is often totally different to the way we would like to be perceived or the way we feel or think of ourselves.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61047)
• United States
18 Jul 19
It is a good feeling isn't it when that old hurt starts to fall away, it makes our load so much lighter.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61047)
• United States
18 Jul 19
@Fleura I am glad for you and I will tell you from my experience (and I am more than 20 years older than you I am sure) in time, you may even be able to look back on those early years and see only the good parts, it is quite amazing how our mind works.
1 person likes this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
18 Jul 19
@BelleStarr Yes I think you're proabably right : )
1 person likes this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
18 Jul 19
Yes indeed, but I don't know that it is something that you choose to do, certainly in my case I couldn't let go. I really hated him from somewhere deep within myself, even though I know that hate just gnaws away at the person who hates and has no effect at all on the object of hatred!
But then once I overheard him say how he loved Ardnamurchan it was really weird, it wasn't a conscious decision but I found that even when I dwelt on his previous nastiness, I simply couldn't feel that hatred any more, even if I wanted to. It was as if he had said a magic word and Pfft! it was gone, just like that.
1 person likes this
@crazyhorseladycx (39515)
• United States
17 Jul 19
he must'a done lots 'f growin''p fer yer momma to've 'njoyed his company, eh? glad ya 't least waved. 'tis funny 't times what'll flip that switch. i can see from the photo why ya both'd love that place so.1 person likes this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 19
As you say it was as if something did flip a switch! Once I overheard him say how he loved Ardnamurchan it wasn't a conscious decision but I found that even when I dwelt on the nasty things he did, I simply couldn't feel that hatred any more, even if I wanted to. It was as if he had said a magic word and Pfft! it was gone, just like that.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (325106)
• Rockingham, Australia
18 Jul 19
I've been to a few class reunions and found that almost all had grown into really nice adults despite their behaviour as adolescents. Some people never change but a lot do. I'm sorry you had a torrid time at high school. It couldn't have been pleasant. That's a beautiful photo. No wonder you love that place.
1 person likes this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
18 Jul 19
School experiences do have a long-lasting effect, especially when they are bad ones. But I have more than made up for them since. And yes it is an amazing and gorgeous place, I simply couldn't hate a person who also loves that part of the world. Not consciously, but sub-consciously, that hatred vanished and just wasn't there any more.
1 person likes this
@andriaperry (116860)
• Anniston, Alabama
17 Jul 19
Mine was not that bad, mine were the girls, since my dad raised my sister and I they knew we had no one to run to, they would call us Ho`s and spread rumors.
Years later one of those girls that came from a "good and proper" family began to work at the bank, I hated to go there after I seen her, but I had to cash my payroll check
She was overly nice and asked me if I was going to go to the class reunion and I could not help myself, I said " No I`m not, all of you b*itches hated me in school so why do I want to come and hang out with you?"
I changed banks.
I never hated them I just went on with my life.
1 person likes this
@dgobucks226 (34292)
•
19 Jul 19
Very nice story and so relatable. I was bullied in school as many probably were by someone. I think maturity can bring about a change in a person who used to be a bully. I remember a grade school classmate who bullied me who later became a friend and teammate on my baseball team in high school.
1 person likes this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
19 Jul 19
Thanks. Yes I think many people pick on others to try to distract attention from themselves as targets. Once away from that environment, in many cases the cause of the problem just goes away (not always of course).
When you met your erstwhile bully, did you just carry on as though nothing had happened, or pretend you had been old schoolfriends, or did he say anything to apologise or acknowledge that he had treated you badly?
1 person likes this
@Fleura (29075)
• United Kingdom
22 Jul 19
@dgobucks226 No I guess you just kind of forget any uncomfortable memories like that.
1 person likes this
@dgobucks226 (34292)
•
21 Jul 19
@Fleura No, he never acknowledged his behavior. We traveled in different circles of friends anyway, so to me it was just part of growing up and things that happen in life. I imagine being a jerk is something your not going to be comfortable admitting.
1 person likes this
