Just put me out to pasture

United States
September 13, 2021 12:14pm CST
Since my last MRI in May and the subsequent PET scans and visit with the oncologist in June, I have been in a major funk. When you find out that your disease is progressing, and there is no cure for this cancer (which I already knew), it can jolt one into a reality that can take a major toll, both emotionally AND physically. My reality is that there is no cure for this cancer--Neuroendocrine Tumors (NETs) Cancer. Yes, it's been slow-growing, and the tumors thus far are well-differentiated, but the long and short of it is inevitable death. All we as NET patients can hope for is that we die with this disease, not of it. I haven't been doing well on many levels this summer. I try not to talk too much about it all. As well, I have shut down some other things, where life and health are concerned. I have avoided making all those regular annual and referred appointments. I have not refilled my medications....things that make me want to throw my hands up and say, "Why the hell should I?" Today, I spent the good portion of two hours waiting for scheduling to take me out of the hold queues, only to find out that I cannot get in to see my primary care provider until next year for that type of appointment. I did get an appointment to see the oncologist, who is the one whom I've consulted for the monthly shots and follow ups, next week. I'm not sure that I really need to do so, as certain things are out of her hands, but I will be happy to see her smiling face, if that appointment remains. What I did do, however, is I wrote to both her, and my primary care provider through the messaging site. I explained what has been going on, how I am doing both emotionally and physically, what I have put off and need help with, and asked for their intervention in helping me get in before 2022 to get the things I need--second round of pneumonia shot, normal health checks, well-being check. We shall see if doing so makes a difference. I also asked for refills of two of my prescriptions, and I called the pharmacy for the auto-refill of the other three. I will pick those three up on Friday morning, and try to get the other two (have to go into the main pharmacy, and not drive thru at the Naval Hospital). Otherwise I'll go for those two on Thursday. So, I can check some of these things off the list as to having done them. The next thing I need to do is make phone calls and make a decision about three providers that the Veterans' Administration (VA) has sent. That's going to be the most difficult for me, as I have some issues with this type of thing, but that's for another day. If I don't get to it today, I will do so tomorrow, so that I can report back to the VA of my choice. I really have a hard time with all this "sh-tuff." I don't like that one provider of one thing doesn't talk to another. I don't like that I have to keep them all straight. I don't like that I have to go through the same old questions and answer appointments with every medical professional--office support, scheduling, nurses, technicians, doctors, etc.--each and every time. I don't like all these people poking and prodding in every aspect of my life and my body. I think that I should just find a veterinarian to serve as my doctor. Perhaps then, he or she can visit me in the pasture, just listen once, and put this old, broken nag out of her misery. Photo credit: Pixabay
24 people like this
23 responses
@sallypup (48116)
• Moses Lake, Washington
13 Sep
That sounds miserable. And to me you are amazing and brave. You would come over here and jump on me if you knew what I am not doing medical wise. I probably need that. Anyway, hugs and I think you are one decent person.
5 people like this
• United States
13 Sep
I just wish I didn't "shut down." Hugs and much love. Thanks.
4 people like this
@sallypup (48116)
• Moses Lake, Washington
13 Sep
@TheSojourner Sometimes you need to.
1 person likes this
@JWMILLER (3449)
• Westmoreland, Tennessee
13 Sep
I agree
@NJChicaa (102705)
• United States
13 Sep
I understand how you feel. I've been going through something similar. I am out of all medications. I haven't scheduled the GI x-rays that the GI doc ordered. I haven't gotten the bloodwork he wants. I haven't made other doctors appointments that I need. I just don't care.
4 people like this
• United States
13 Sep
How long ago were you supposed to have them?
3 people like this
@NJChicaa (102705)
• United States
13 Sep
@TheSojourner anywhere from over a year ago to last month.
3 people like this
• United States
13 Sep
@NJChicaa oh, my! We are more alike than maybe either one of us would care to admit? I'm not sure if I should laugh, cry, or shake my head at the both of us.
2 people like this
@CarolDM (154237)
• United States
13 Sep
So sorry this is all happening to you. The least the doctors could do is get together and communicate. I hope you hear back from them and can be seen sooner than 2022.
3 people like this
• United States
13 Sep
That's the primary care provider to get me in for an "annual"...*shrugs*
4 people like this
@CarolDM (154237)
• United States
13 Sep
@TheSojourner Hope it works out soon.
2 people like this
• United States
13 Sep
2 people like this
@jstory07 (110236)
• Roseburg, Oregon
13 Sep
I am so sorry that you are going through all of the issues. I hope you can relax and just do the best that you can. Just take care of you.
3 people like this
• United States
13 Sep
1 person likes this
@JWMILLER (3449)
• Westmoreland, Tennessee
13 Sep
My sentiments, exacty
@Torunn (8361)
• Norway
14 Sep
Well, Norwegian fjord horses love that. They can go on for years and years on pasture. They might be past their working days, but they can go on forever. Maybe Norwegian fjord people are like that too? Wander around, look at the birches, look at the fjord. Munch some food, then look at the fjord again. Or, if you are like Gullmann, munch and look at the fjord at the same time. I am very confused with the providers though. I go to on doctor for everything and he sends me to the right person if I need a specialist. Hope you can figure it out so you don't have to work with all the people all the time, if it's possible.
2 people like this
• United States
14 Sep
My primary care provider is an internist. She is not an oncologist. So she can't handle things that are cancer related, and my case is very complicated. She might treat it a certain way if it were not cancer related, but because it is, she doesn't want to treat certain things because it wouldn't do any good because it's not caused by something different. That's what make certain things so difficult with this type of cancer, because it mimics other conditions. I have an oncologist 5 minutes away from me, but she doesn't have the capability of doing things that are necessary for me because this is a specialized cancer. Even the oncologist at the Cancer Care Alliance isn't a specialist, though he has more knowledge than others. If I could I would be going to Uppsala because that's where many things are happening when it comes to this cancer and the research into it. Tomorrow I will be talking to the doctor about having a doctor in Colorado at least look at my scans and getting another idea about what we can do. I think he's probably going to agree that I should start this treatment (prrt) . Hearing it from the horse's mouth, meaning hearing it from Dr Liu who was on the research team in uppsala, may make me feel more at ease. I loved the Birch woods in sweden. Maybe the fjord horses are on to something.
1 person likes this
@Torunn (8361)
• Norway
14 Sep
@TheSojourner That sounds like a real mess, but getting hold of specialists is smart. But it sounds like your system leaves a bit more of the responsibility getting hold of people and making them talk to other people on the patient. Must make it more annoying to be sick, 'cause you have to have the energy to do the organizing stuff. I love birch woods, especially at this time of the year. Of course, they look even better if you place a fjord horse in them :-)
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Sep
@Torunn I think you should beam me up, Torunn. Let me spend this last part of my life living with you.
1 person likes this
@wolfgirl569 (47891)
• Marion, Ohio
14 Sep
It can be a big hassle. I know you hate starting over but you might want a different primary care as that is a very long wait. Its not like we are in December already. Then January appointment would not be bad. A veterinarian would just send you off to graze and be lazy
2 people like this
• United States
14 Sep
My primary was in a different office today, and her medical assistant got back to me right away and told me she would forward that to her tomorrow morning. I'm okay with that.
1 person likes this
@wolfgirl569 (47891)
• Marion, Ohio
14 Sep
@TheSojourner Hope they get you in.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Sep
@wolfgirl569 I figure go straight to the doctor and tell her that I'm having a nervous breakdown, or letting her come to that conclusion, because she can say work her in. Otherwise the scheduler says I can't get her in until february.
1 person likes this
@maratai (6196)
• Indonesia
14 Sep
Stay strong and stay motivated, my friend. I hope all your medical matters go well. And a miracle happened, your sickness was healed by God.
2 people like this
• United States
14 Sep
Thank you
1 person likes this
@maratai (6196)
• Indonesia
15 Sep
@TheSojourner You are welcome my friend
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (122026)
• United States
14 Sep
That has to be so difficult. I honestly don't get a lot of screenings I should have because I don't want to deal with the drama of it all. I am not ill with anything that I know of..but I guess I am of the ignorance is bliss philosophy. It's dumb I know. You can only do what you can do Coral.
2 people like this
• United States
14 Sep
It really is a drag to feel like any time you go to see a physician, they find something else wrong with you. I hate this stage of my life. Thank you, snowy.
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (122026)
• United States
14 Sep
@TheSojourner Yeah, I can only imagine.
2 people like this
@m_audrey6788 (53235)
• Germany
13 Sep
Just hang on there my friend
2 people like this
• United States
13 Sep
1 person likes this
• Germany
13 Sep
1 person likes this
@FourWalls (35765)
• United States
14 Sep
Dealing with your issues is one thing. Having to deal with your issues AND the VA is quite another. Don’t go out to pasture until I get out there to see you!!!!
2 people like this
• United States
14 Sep
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Sep
I have tried several times to respond to this. I find that anything I write falls short in calming the angst you must be feeling. I don't want to give an auto response simply to share sympathy with your plight, it may seem insincere. I guess I just wanted to share something positive but I don't know words good enough to use. So. I will let the photo speak for me. This is a positive post.
2 people like this
• United States
13 Sep
1 person likes this
@JWMILLER (3449)
• Westmoreland, Tennessee
13 Sep
A lot of us are in this boat with you. My son has received a Covid + test. He should be OK since has received Covid vaccine. Still, we sometimes have to jump through required hoops, and sometimes just wait, wait, and wait. May you find blessings as your life goes on.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (355648)
• Switzerland
14 Sep
This Covid situation is only causing more problems to those who need to see their doctors for annual treatments. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope that your doctors will come back to you to help.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (355648)
• Switzerland
14 Sep
@TheSojourner I have read similar stories and it is horrible. There is a Canadian user her in myLot who has her sister-in-law who needed to be placed in ICU after a tracheotomy. She is the only one "normal" patient among 17 Covid patients. This is scary!
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Sep
@LadyDuck . Because now she's in there with 17 other covid patients, she's no longer in isolation. I hope she doesn't catch it.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (355648)
• Switzerland
14 Sep
@TheSojourner May be she will be dismissed in the next few days, let's hope for the best. It is impossible to refuse to cure unvaccinated people who get Covid, but the government is seriously considering to obglige them to pay and not to cover the Intensive Care, it makes sense.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 Sep
The doctor said I might have tumor on my left ear that is why I am losing my hearing, after I do the lab test on 2011 I never came back, and I just pray to God to protect me form any sickness, my left ear can't barely hear a thing, so maybe that is why I always loss my balance. I don't want to come back because I don't have money for that, and I don't want to burden my family, so I just seek God, and ask Him to really take care of me and provide. I hope we can all get out of misery one day, but what I have learned through this misery is that we can always still enjoy life, hope and dream, and do everything that we can still do, through all my limitations, to my health condition, I really seek God and He never fail me, though I really cry a lot, but the joy He put in my heart is alive. And recently my mom and I almost loss our lives because of covid, my whole family got infected, but God is really good, as He shows me so many miracles during those times. -Just sharing. And I really pray whatever happens we never loss the joy in our hearts as we undergo this battle. I always feel miserable but God grace makes me smile and feel overflowing joy in my heart. Be strong, let us all be strong. To God be the glory.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep
I am glad that you are still doing well. I wish you would seek out a doctor for that ear issue. I'm glad that you have found solace in your god.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Sep
@TheSojourner Our God, Coral. Yes, I m glad to found comfort in Him. I can just ask anything from Him and of course you also ask Him anything, but there are things that He rejects my request, but glad He did, because His plans are better. Hope you will not hate me for being open about G. Aja!
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Sep
@luisadannointed We will not see eye-to-eye on this. I respect your right to believe as you do, as I know you will respect my right to make the choices that I do. It is not something that is up for discussion, as I see that religion and politics tend to be very polarizing.
@HazySue (39398)
• Inverness, Florida
14 Sep
I am so sorry. I do understand how you feel. I was told 6 years ago that my life would most likely end sooner than expected. After feeling lower than low I finally picked myself up and decided that no one was going to tell me how long I would live or how much pain I would be in. I have been trying to make each day the best day it can be. It isn't easy and it takes some practice but for me it is the only way to live. Prayers are heading your way. Keep up your courage and don't lose faith.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Sep
I understand. 9 years ago, I thought it was going to be my final year because I had been told I had 6 months. So, I understand. I just get tired of dealing with it, and just wish it would stay stable and give me a few more years.
1 person likes this
@HazySue (39398)
• Inverness, Florida
19 Sep
@TheSojourner I get tired of it too. I have stopped listening when someone tries to give me a timeline for my life. I just do what I have to, what I can, and keep on living. I haven't met anyone else who is having the same experience. I think if maybe I ignore it and keep on the "sunny" side I can keep on extending my life. Keep on trying and good luck to you.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep
@HazySue it's all we can do, right? Are you dealing with cancer, as well?
1 person likes this
@buenavida (10011)
• Sweden
26 Sep
Have u tried to eat alkaline food to avoid aches and pain? Read about an herb doctor advicing that.. at least it is no harm..
1 person likes this
• United States
23h
Hej, Marja! I eat primarily fruits, vegetables, nuts, legumes. I have not eliminated eggs, meat and some dairy.
1 person likes this
@buenavida (10011)
• Sweden
7h
@TheSojourner much like me, I got free from insulin shorts, so far, doing Inttermittent fasting.. First meal fruit and yogurt - later most fruit and veggies - buckwheat is also alkaline... Good to eat soaked sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds, helps to give cromium - against bad viruses..
1 person likes this
• United States
6h
@buenavida I can learn a lot from you
1 person likes this
@tammys85 (26297)
• Baltimore, Maryland
17 Sep
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope your PCP can get you in soon.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Sep
Thank you. It's just catching up with all the things that I'm supposed to do on a general basis. The other stuff that is related to cancer is going to be the complicated one that makes me crazy.
1 person likes this
@tammys85 (26297)
• Baltimore, Maryland
22 Sep
@TheSojourner You're welcome. I wish I was there to help you. I know how it feels to just be overwhelmed and stressed, dealt with that myself over the summer, and I know a little help can go a long way.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Sep
@tammys85. Thank you. I have some people in my life, but I don't feel like they're there in the way that I need them. And if I say anything then they look at me like I'm trying to help and then they're not going to want to do what they do, but it's not just what I need anymore. Today I had a friend when I told her I felt all alone, she said I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do about it and that just makes me want to shut down.
1 person likes this
@Hannihar (117188)
• Israel
14 Sep
@TheSojourner It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. You proved the medical field wrong because you are still among the living. You have every right to feel the way you do because of what you have gone through. I and others cannot understand what you are going through so I am really in no position to comment. I will continue to pray for you that you have a long life and do not have to suffer. You are a good person Coral and what you did for Cooper is very special. I hope things work out and you can get through to these people how important it is for you to get things taken care of.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Sep
Thank you. I'm sure that I will hear from my doctor soon. I'm hoping to get in sooner than later. Maybe by getting the doctor involved, it can happen sooner than later.
1 person likes this
@Hannihar (117188)
• Israel
14 Sep
@TheSojourner I hope that the doctor does go to bat for you. You are welcome.
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (75324)
• United States
14 Sep
I'm glad you are attempting to get your appointments scheduled and medications ordered. Why should you care? Because we care. You are still alive. Sending much love and hugs.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Sep
I heard back from the medical assistant yesterday. My primary care provider will be back in today, as she was not in the office yesterday. Hopefully, I'll be able to see her soon.
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (75324)
• United States
14 Sep
@TheSojourner I hope so too!
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61442)
• United States
20 Sep
It is hard to be upbeat and on top of everything when it all seems pointless. I do get that way at times, it is depression of a sort and it's hard to break out of the funk. You don't need to really, but I usually try to find some part of my life that is worth living for and some days that isn't easy. Sending a hug and a prayer.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep