No, I Didn't Pee My Pants!

Tweet

I had plans with my daughter tonight to put the finishing touches on our Christmas decorations at the house, so I stopped and grabbed some Taco Bell on the way home from work. But given that I had about a 30-minute drive, I decided to go ahead and eat my tacos on the drive home. Although I'm not one to condone this type of behavior, I'm pretty good about being able to drive without my hands on the wheel, and so I unwrapped my taco and tore open one of the hot sauce packets to put on the taco. But keeping my eyes on the road, I didn't really pay attention to what I was doing, and after about 2-3 bites into the taco, I noticed I couldn't taste any of the sauce. I looked down, and my entire crotch area was covered in hot sauce! Apparently I completely missed the taco and squirted the taco sauce all over me instead. It was kinda funny not funny. Anyway, I get home, step out of the truck, and turn to walk toward my front door when two ladies walking their dogs passed by me with hushed giggles. "Hi ladies," I said. "And no I didn't pee my pants, I spilled hot sauce on myself. Thank you for noticing! Have a nice day!" I then proceeded to walk in the door, to which my daughter immediately said when she saw me, "Did you pee your pants or something?" "Yes, charming daughter of mine, I peed my pants. I just couldn't control my bladder." "Why is it orange?" "That's blood in my urine." "Oh no, you should go to the urgent care center." "Relax, I didn't pee my pants, I spilled hot sauce all over myself. Let's go outside and finish the Christmas decorations." "But aren't you going to change your pants first?" "No," I replied. "I want the entire neighborhood to think I peed my pants. It will give everyone some juicy gossip to talk about." "Dad, I'm going to deny that I'm actually related to you." "Well, hun, it is my sole purpose in life now to embarrass you as much as I can." Girlfriend arrives home. "Did you pee your pants or something?" "Yes. Yes I did. Aren't you glad you're dating me?"