A devil in my house

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It is so hard to be a step-parent, especially when the child in the relationship doesn't care to show that they want you to be in that relationship. You try to be their friend and they don't want it , you try to be the "babysitter" and they think that you are too controlling. The child who is 17 is very destructive of herself and others around them and they think very little of others and at times themselves. You give them room to grow and allow them to be themselves and they seek dependence and think that if they ask for help they are weak, They have dreams and talk about wanting to do things but do nothing to take steps to reach those goals. Having a conversation with them is like having a conversation with a match and a room full of dynamite hoping they don't explode anytime you try to have any semblance of conversation with them. Asking them to do any kind of chore around the house is like asking them to give up their favorite toy or telling them they can't talk to their friends. Being hard on them results in more anger and asking them nicely gets the same results. Fortunately im, not the only one who receives the wrath of God from the 17-year-old their mother gets the same treatment and the same lack of respect. The 17-year-old punishes their mother because mom left their Dad who was abusive towards mom but treated now 17 year old like a little princess and the 17-year-old when they don't get their way stomps their feet and throws themself on the floor like a 2-year-old temper tantrum. they say they hate living here with us but when we push the idea of her going somewhere they say we don't love them and that we are sending them away because we don't love them. When we do something nice out of the goodness of our hearts they say we are just doing it to keep her quiet or because we want something. That's their motive when they want something, is to suck up to us in order to get something or do something above what they deserve. I want some advice from fellow Step Parents who might have been in my shoes any real advice that doesn't say that i should step back and let my wife take the control because doing that simply isn't an option. said 17 year old is ADHD and Depression and is on medications for these conditions and also has weekly therapy that does little to progress her conditions.