There are great writers on mylot

United States
January 27, 2007 2:08pm CST
Last week I read an interesting discussion that involved everyone writing a pharagraph from anything and then others would respond to what they thought about the pharagraph but I cannot find the discussion and would have liked to add my own. I have found there to be some really great writers on mylot and would like there opinion on one of my pharagraphs and would also like you to add your own. I feel this is a great way to learn about ones writing. Please give useful suggestions and comments. Thanks.. My pharagraph: I waited for this day, hoped for it to come, felt increasing anticipation over its arrival. Sitll nothing could have prepared me for what lie ahead. As my abdomen tightended the face of pain reared its ugly head. My breath was shallow as the pain came and went from my body. Like a thief in the night I did not know when it would return but the trepidation brought life to every muscle under my skin tellimg me it would return and this time it would come with more intence passion than before. I lay on my back wishing only to die and yet feeling more alive than ever before. As quickly as the pain would leave my tired body it would return, the pain. I had to get away I had to go somewhere and hide. I found that place, it was a place I could run to. Do not ask me how I found it or the precise location because I believe it existed only within my mind but it was beautiful, the most stunning place I had ever seen. The grass grew greener and the flowers, wow the flowers were astonishing. I was happy here, I felt a peace, and there was no ache here. I want to stay here forever and never return to the pain that once engulfed me. I lay among the flowers looking up into a beautiful blue ski that held mountains of white velvety clouds.
2 people like this
3 responses
@patgalca (15423)
• Orangeville, Ontario
28 Jan 07
That was very beautifully written and I could actually feel the emotions and pain. You must be careful about passive sentences. Avoid the use of the word "was" when possible. "I sat" is active, "I was sitting" is passive. Another term for it is "show not tell". For the most part you have done a wonderful job of showing because I could feel and picture it all. Some grammar issues but overall very poetic. Good work!
• Malaysia
28 Jan 07
Well it sound more like me :) i'm the one who practicing my english writing here. I would like to ask you a favor, if by chance you see my post or topics, please comments my grammar and vocabulary. I like to hear some comments and any correction from skillful one. Sorry not related with the topic here :)lol
• United States
29 Jan 07
Thank you I really appreciate your opinion and your suggestions.
@lifeiseasy (2292)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I can't give any constructive critsism as I couldn't write my way out of a plastic bag...But I can feel your words and see what you are feeling with your words ..I thought it was beautiful...you must do something with that talent !!!
• United States
29 Jan 07
Thank you I so appreciate your comments.
@smkwan2007 (1036)
• Hong Kong
27 Jan 07
In my opinion, mylot is a great place to practise our English language. So even if one English not so good, when he write more 10 or 20 entries in response to the discussions on the forum. His or her skill of using the language must improve within a month. Because practice makes perfect. one day great writers must emerge from the members of mylot.
• United States
28 Jan 07
Thanks for posting but in the future please read the entire discussion before responding. This was not about developing your english but writing itself.