How do parents affect the relationship a child has with his stepparent?
@fieryeyedwriter (614)
United States
January 31, 2007 7:11am CST
We all know that divorce is often times like an emotional train wreck. It causes resentment, anger and often times, jealousy. These emotions usually surface immediately after the divorce, but sometimes do not surface until one parent or the other has decided to remarry. When a parent does remarry, often time it creates a power struggle between the mother and stepmother or father and stepfather. Many times it is the biological parent who instigates the problem. (I am not saying that there are not those stepparents out there who don't instigate many problems, try to take over the paren'ts position in their child's life, and are just outright demeaning to the relationship the parent has with their child, but for the sake of this post I am focusing on the view of the instigation being caused by the biological parent.)
When this occurs, you end up with children who are severely confused on what thier relationship should be with thier stepparent. They are put into a position to feel as if they are breaking some kind of loyalty pact with their parents, betraying them by loving, or even liking their stepparents.
When a biological parent badmouths (name calling; "you don't have to listen to ____"; "_______ is just worthless, your mom/dad should have never married them; etc...)it creates tension in an already tense relationship. A step-relationship is often a very hard relationship to establish as it is, especially with older children. When a parent acts negatively towards or about a stepparent, it creates a roadblock for the healthy stepparent and child relationship.
I think that it is the parent's responsibility, just as much as the stepparents, to assure that there is a positive relationship established with the child and stepparent. It makes life a lot easier for the child, makes the transition from one household to the other (in the cases of visitation or joint custody) a more pleasurable experience, and creates a more peaceful atmosphere within the entire family unit.
As parents, it is our responsibility to put our own emotions aside and act in the best interests of our children. It is our job to see to their happiness and well-being, not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally. Our insecurities and emotions pale in the shadows of thiers, as we are to be thier protectors and guides through their childhoods and into their adult lives.
What is your thought on the issue? Do biological parents who badmouth and act negatively towards a stepparent make the situation worse and harder for the child? Are there truly any advantages to the child in doing so? Or is it simply the parents way of making him or herself feel better about the situation? If so, isn't that nothing less than pure selfishness on the parents part?
1 response
@happymomndad (1035)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I had a realy good friend that got a divorce and later remarried. Before the wedding her ex hubby and her sat with the kids and exp[lained to them what was happening. He is not your new daddy, but he is a part of the family and you do have to respect him. Her ex was a good man and never tried to put the kids in an emotional war with the new hubby. It worked out great for all and they functioned as one big family. Others I have know have been petty andspitfull about it and there kids never adjusted to the change and ended up with serious problems as teenagers. When you are angry I dont think they think it through about how it will afect the children for life. A lot of parents have a hard time putting their emotions aside for the benifit of the chilred. One parent should never bad mouth the other even if they were a horible person. My oldest child is the product of a verry abusive relationship but I made a comitment a long time ago never to bash his father around him. I have told him that there were some choices made that it was better for us not to be around him. When he is older he can ask about detail but I will still do it as gingerly as posible.
1 person likes this
@fieryeyedwriter (614)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I completely agree with you! And it is nice to know that there are parents out there who are truly dedicated to their children and their well-being! Kudos to you!!!! **hugs**
p.s. Your child is very lucky to have you!

