March 6, 2007 7:24am CST
A fat lady rides the bus to work every day. Today she's in some discomfort because she has a pain in her lower abdomen. She finally realizes that its just a tremendous build up of gas from something she ate. The bus is quite crowded and she doesn't know what to do. Then she remembers that pretty soon the bus will run across some railroad tracts and it will rattle and bang and make lots of noise. She will be able to pass this gas and nobody will know. What she doesn't know is that the bus driver also rides the bus everyday and has grown tired of all the noise the bus makes when it rattles and bangs across the railroad tracts. So last night he stayed after work and had the maintenance crew tighten up all the loose bolts and lubricate all the moving parts to quiet down the old bus. Well, here come the railroad tracts, the fat lady raises up on one cheek and lets it rip. It was one long, loud, juicy sounding fart. The bus didn't rattle and bang like it usually did and now you could hear a pin drop inside the bus as everybody started looking around. The fat lady thought that maybe no one knew who did it and that she should just act natural. She thought she should just start a conversation with someone as if nothing had happened. She leaned over to the man sitting across the aisle and casually asked him, 'Do you have a transfer?' He politely responded, 'No I don't, but the next tree we pass I will try and grab you a handful of leaves.' Marine Time... By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
7 Mar 07
THE SPEEDY SNAIL There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"