Another death,noo feelings

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I am all mixed up[ on alot of things and I was hopeful someone would have a idea of what is going on ,with me and all of this.See anything I need to,Well , I have this cousin, who has messed with my life so to speak, his whole family never has liked me.But as family I put up with them all. And two years ago this summer, he and his wife helped my boyfriend set me up ,by sending her brother to my house in the middle of the night when my boyfriend was gone to work, and he was someone I knew ,and he grew up with my boyfriend.He was drinking, and all he wanted to do was rattle on about their childhood and silly stuff.I guess you can say he was a nice drunk.But the thing was I don't think he was really drunk, it was a act I think. Cause at 1 am he looked at my clock and then his watch and then said Well I got to go ,thanks for talking. And he left ,me and my kids was half asleep but was glad to have him leave. Well my boyfriend got mad so to say ,and he wouldn't call me or return my phone calls, but all his cloths and stuff was here, well after a week and a half he came to me and said he knew there wasn't nothing happened and he wanted to come back, cause I love him like crazy I took him back, then found out he slept with the guys and my cousins wifes sister during that week and half . And it was right next door to me! Well I swallowed alot in my life but that was the hardest thing I have ever tried to move past.But the other day my cousin got killed in a logging accident. I cried ,but I don't know why I did.I don't want to be mean, but he was sooo cruel to me in my life and the thing with my boyfriend just topped it all off. Now my boyfriend is to be a pallbarrer(can't spell the best ,sorry)and we are going to the viewing and to the funeral.I am dreading being there with that whole bunch there. My mom asked me if I could find it in my heart to forgive him, and I said I have, but I feel a releif he wont be there to hurt me no more.You see ,he molested me as a child ,and after alot of counsiling as a adult, I learned why he never acted like he done anything.He repressed it, like I has alot of the times he messed with me.And he never was punished for what he did to me.But anyways, I alway tried to advoid him ,and usually done well. But my boyfriend is friends with his brother and his mom and dad, andhis wife.I asked him not to hand with him and he said deal and he didn't go around my cousin or his wife after that mess with the sister and brother unless he really had to .Am I wrong not to feel anything over his death?I do feel grief for his girls.But thats is it.( oh his girls are from a first marriage so he wasn't with them hardly)And each evening my boyfriend has went up to thier house,My aunts and Uncles,and not once has he asked me if I would like to go with him.And he has a dr. appt. tomorrow and he called to tell me he has to work tonight, and he will be in to get cleaned up for that appt. and then go to the funeral home.I am wondering what should I do if he says meet me there.And he knows I can't see to drive after dark.I don't know why but I feel he will suggest this.I am at my ends here.I don't know how to feel,or act in this situation.Help..If you can.And ideas?Words of wisdom?