I've been there! infertility, secondary infertility, miscarriage, adoption loss

I suffer from secondary infertility. I had a child I gave up for adoption and I suspect I got std from my boyfriend. Unfortunately I did not meet my husband until over eleven years after that and being raised with "you don't talk about it or go to certain places to get treated" the std grew inside of me unknown until I started to get cramps. The treatment did not work (there was no warning given to me that some foods cut down it's efficiancy) and I had probably numerous miscarriages disguised as extra long and heavy periods. In other words, I could no longer carry a child more than a couple of weeks inside of me. I was given an operation, a D & C and my tubes were operated on. Another unfortunate result was the warm feeling I had in my chest and my face on seeing a baby disappeared. This hurt more than the fact that the operation did not work. We adopted two boys who are now grown, one married, one on his own and both successful. However I miss the warm feeling inside of me and wonder whether one of the results of Std is the taking away of that "knowing you love babies' feeling, instead of just having that intellectual love of children from your head. I want to know I love from my heart nut just my mind.