Should I have to choose between my husband and my family?
By dedicated_28
@dedicated_28 (1383)
United States
April 17, 2007 3:50pm CST
I feel like he wants me to choose between him or my family. At one point he even said this during an argument. I have to say my family is one of a kind, very selfish, self-centered people. My husband is always trashing them and constantly reminding me that they never do anything for me. It almost seems like jealousy. If I go to visit them he says "I don't know why you go down there for hours when they can't even come here at all." "Keep it up and you'll be alone with them and I'll be gone." Now I only visit maybe three times a month. Do you think he wants me to choose? I don't think that's fair, I would never tell him to leave his family alone or I would leave.(He has even went as far as turning a family member in to the police behind my back without telling me.) Do you think this is an ultimatum? Any advice?
4 responses
@healer (1779)
• India
17 Apr 07
I think your husband is very poccessive and i don't like such kind of people. I am just wondering why a person should restrict his wife in seeing their family members, i don't think trust is there between you and your husband. Anyway you knows the best about your husband and your family, anyway talk about this with him seriously and try to discover what is bothering him. Things will work out fine if you talk straight and open up everything thats on your mind so that your doubts will be cleared.
1 person likes this
@dedicated_28 (1383)
• United States
18 Apr 07
Thanks for the advice. He really is quite possessive. have a nice evening.
@gegegelay (933)
• Philippines
18 Apr 07
Being overly possessive is not good in a relationship. Your husband has to accept your family because it's the whole point of marriage. Even before you got married, you should've accepted your own families and your weakness whatsoever. Love is accepting who you are and what you have. Your husband has to learn how to not be too over possessive and self-centered.
1 person likes this
@prestocaro (1251)
• United States
18 Apr 07
To give you a short answer to the title question, NO. You shouldn't have to choose between your husband and your family. People get married to join families together.
But of course it seems your situation is much more complicated. Remember, if you are ever in a relationship with someone who discourages contact with all of your friends and family, it is a red flag. Abusers attempt to isolate victims in an effort to have more control over them. While I'm not saying your husband is abusive, that is something for everyone here on mylot to keep in mind.
His threats certainly sound as though he is forcing your hand. While he hasn't issued an ultimatem per se yet, he probably will in the future. It's best to make up your mind now. If you don't have any kind of support system other than your family and your husband, this decision will be hard. I suggest contacting some neutral party you can run things past -- a minister or rabbi, or a counselor. Good luck and stay safe. Remember that there are resources available in many places these days -- online, downtown, etc.
1 person likes this
@LCecelia (1124)
• United States
18 Apr 07
The mere fact that you are married means that you do have to "choose" your husband over your family. But that does not mean that you have to give them up.
As the other person said, you have to speak seriously with your husband to find out why he dislikes your family.
Your husband makes a good point when he asks why doesn't your family visit you at your home. You may want to explore that a bit.
