am i too exaggerated?

Philippines
April 22, 2007 9:27pm CST
my bf started to complain that im getting too exaggerated lately. i don't allow him to go out and i usually suspected him of flirting with some other girls. well, he cant blame me because he entertains sometimes women though he explained to me that they just want to befriend with him. i tried to understand it but usually get jealous because the girls would always contacted him. i know i should trust him. maybe im just getting too paranoid but i cant really control my emotions. maybe because im so afraid to lose him. he means everything to me and yet i feel that he's getting far away from me. i have done everything for our relationship but it seems i made the wrong move or decisions. i guess im still learning since this is my first time in a relationship. and i dont know if i have done the right thing. i knew a lot about relationships because of my friends. but i've never expected that its not really not that easy to be in the situation. handling things to make your relationship a better one is pretty much hard especially balancing everything to work things out.
3 people like this
21 responses
• Philippines
23 Apr 07
hey, relax a bit. :) yes, you are right, learning about relationships from other people's experiences is different than actually being in a relationship and learning from it. coz this time, you are the one involved. let us talk about the situation first: "suspicions, confrontations, complaints, and blame" are the first 4 words i noticed that summed up the problem. and all the 4 are reactions. you mentioned you are "so afraid to lose him". but to tell you the truth, the 4 words above all leads to losing the guy. "explain, understand, trust, and learn" are 4 of the main words you both must do in your relationship. however you mentioned, "jealousy" gets in the way sometimes. let's talk about you in your relationship: it's alright to get jealous. it can't be helped at times coz jealousy is an initial reaction. however, your reaction after jealousy... that is something you can control. they say, too much or too little is never healthy in a relationship coz there's no balance. sometimes, we do our darn best to avoid the worst case scenario in our relationship but we often forgot that it takes 2 to build it and only 1 to break it. let your guy be his own person as long as you both understand and stay true to your commitment with each other. learn to manage jealousy. be confident of your self-worth beyond the confines of a relationship. if you are affected by his constant flirting, let it be for a while. be patient. one thing that is difficult to enforce in a relationship is trying to change your partner. let your partner initiate the change himself. talk, never confront. when you had your piece, leave it at that, never add fire to it so he wouldn't say you are exaggerating. my boyfriend and i also underwent a rocky stage for a while. every now and then the sailing seems a bit unsteady. but i learned to control my jealousy. i don't wanna lose my guy too. and he doesn't want to lose me either. work on it together. always meet halfway. there must be give and take. these cannot guarantee that things would work out, coz i've just said that it will take the two of you to make your relationship better. goodluck! :)
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
you're absolutely right. maybe its time for me to be more mature and face things maturely like a grown up lady. thanks for those good points you have mentioned. it will surely help.
• Philippines
23 Apr 07
this if from a guys perspective. i used to have a gf who always try to control my social activities. she would not let me go to parties, social function or even go to have snack with friends. this has cause resentment and my feelings for my gf started to get colder. i'm no longer as sweet as i used to be. Guys don't like it when they are being controlled. Especially if we are not doing anything wrong. Being friendly is different from being flirty. if a guy truly loves you then he would not do anything to hurt you. if he did then your better off with someone else, its his lost not yours.
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
yes he told me about that that men dont wanna be controlled by women. i do tried not control him, its just cant control my emotions and still learning since this is my first relationship ever. maybe you're right, i need to trust him and be more understanding. if he really loves me, wherever he goes and do..he will never do things that would hurt me. if not..then i have to let go of him coz i do deserve someone who love me no matter what. thanks for the advice guys. i do really appreciate it and have awaken from deep depression. thanks a lot..
@chesssy (203)
• Philippines
23 Apr 07
have a long talk with your boyfriend. but before that, list down things you wanna talk about and how you feel. so that there would not be off topics or the conversation would just blow into a deep seated argument. that's what you are avoiding. an argument usually won't resolve anything. give him time to explain himself. and if needs space, give it to him then have a talk after he's thought things over. in my experience, men are not quick to make decisions and needs to weigh the situation more. females should adapt to this fact about men, because women are more understanding and patient. relationships are a lot of work. whatever you observed from others' relationship, you'll have an entirely different one. so do not base it on what you want it to be because you're friend was happy with that. let the relationship grow along with you two. with flirting, men are innate to this. maybe the girls are the ones who are befriending him, don't take this against your guy. just think that you have a very attractive boyfriend!
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
we already talked many times as i have requested to talk things over. sometimes we argued but mostly clarified things and settle our problems. but it seems that it happens all the time. i know partly i have contributed to this problem in our relationship, you're right that he needs time to think and weigh things. one time when things between us almost got worst, he wanted to have a cool off. i do understand him, its just so painful. i really tried to understand him and i know he tried to understand me as well. i changed some of my attitudes but im always failure. im really depressed and disappointed with myself. i wanted this relationship to last long and if possible to be the last one coz its really hard to start all over again. but i know i have no control of the situation and what might happen in the future. i guess i just have to be strong and anticipate the consequences.
@crossedx (72)
• Canada
23 Apr 07
I guess it has a lot to do with trust. I used to suspect of my gf flirting and stuff. but as time pass by, i know that she loves me too much to do anything that would hurt me. so i'm not that worried. besides, flirting is a nature. and everyone has their definition of what flirting is. but if you start to not let him do things, he will get annoyed. guys don't like women to take charge of them and tell them what to do. when you find that he is flirting too much, just suggest to him that he is, don't tell him not to do it. or just simply flirt with him=P
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
yeah, trust really takes part of the situation but by doing so didn't mean that i don't trust him. i just don't trust the people that surrounded him. some are kind while others are not. i don't really judge these people, it's just things get complicated..i guess, i don't have to think to much. i'll let him do the things he wanna do and let it be. whatever happens, i have to accept it and move on with life.
• Philippines
23 Apr 07
Let your boyfriend be...choking him probably isn't good for your relationship but don't be too lax that he'll feel that you don't give a damn. I know, it's a balancing act made in hell because IT is hard to accomplish.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Apr 07
The most important thing in any relationship-dating or marriage-is COMMUNICATION. I learned that very earlier on with my wife. Communication is an event or time when each person is sharing information and gathering information. There are also two different kinds of communication(good and bad) Bad communication can come in many forms but most importantly it can cause short-term as well as long-term damage to any relationship. If listening is not a strong-point for you, then get ready to work on it. If talking is a weak-point for you then get ready to ellaborate on it. Every relationship has to contain a healthy form of communication to last, and function properly. Be kind-One of the simplist forms of communication, but also one of the hardest to master, especially when there is a disagreement. Be affectionate-Even though your partner,gf,bf,etc. isnt showing affection to you, you have to be affectionate, because its effect can reverse, soothe, or help any problem that seems too complex, annoying, irritating, or irrational to deal with. Find time to relax, and talk-I personally have experienced the effects of talking when each person is relaxed. When you get home from a long day, filled with some irritating, annoying, or major problem, one of the best things to do is relax. Mention that your day was stressful, hectic, maybe even a little horrific, and designate some quality time to talk after you relax. I sometimes have a bath waiting for my wife, when she gets off of work, and I let her wind down, and later when she is ready, she usually let's me know what her day was like and I just sit there and LISTEN! I ONLY SPEAK WHEN I AM EXPECTED TO. THIS WORKS EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, OR ARE NOT LIVING TOGETHER. MOST OF ALL-BE SELFLESS- If it is one thing I did learn while dating, it is that no one, at any point and time wants to feel like there mate is treating the with a selfish attitude. This is why communication is important. Problems usually occur when one person feels like they are being treated unfair by the other. This can be cure,reversed, and less time consuming if you take time out and RELAX, LET THE OTHER PERSON SPEAK, MAKE SURE TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND VOICE A GENUINE UNDERSANDING, AND THE VERY LAST THING TO HAPPEN, IS FOR YOU TO VOICE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON, and your SUGGESTIONS of how to help. ALWAYS REMEMBER TO WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE RELAXED AND YOUR MATE IS RELAXED BEFORE SPEAKING ABOUT ANYTHING THAT IS TIRING,PRESSING,ANNOYING,IRRITATING, OR OVERALL A MAJOR DISCUSSION. THERE IS NO GENDER DIFFERENCES WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE AND GOOD,STRONG COMMUNICATION, THERE IS ONLY A DEEP,DEEP RESPECT THAT EACH PERSON SHOULD HAVE FOR THE OTHER, AND IF THIS IS SHOWN AND UNDERSTOOD BY EACH OTHER, THEN IT WILL DOMINATE ANY DISCUSSION PRIOR TO IT TAKING PLACE.
@icequeen (2841)
• Canada
23 Apr 07
I understand. I am in a relationship too...and have been for fourteen years now. Believe me it is hard. I have been like that with my boyfriend too. However...he has done some things behind my back before and he goes places without telling me..so that is why? However...it sounds like you should just have a little trust and leave him alone...if he loves you nothing will happen...
1 person likes this
@charms88 (7540)
• Philippines
23 Apr 07
Entering into a relationship is not just about love and feelings. Trust and honesty should be build. I can't give you a better advice here as I don't know what your boyfriend's real persona is. Try to talk gently and calmly with your boyfriend and be straight about what you felt. Your boyfriend should know that flirting with other girls is not acceptable. Sure...he can say that flirting is just that, a harmless thing but he should learn the meaning of respect. Respect for you and to take into consideration of what you are feeling.
@kodie420 (872)
• Canada
23 Apr 07
perhaps he's just one of those guys who make friends easily and is approachable. if he truly wants to be with you than he wouldn't do anything with those girls. the more you try to control him the more he will wander away. talk to him and ask why he wants to go out - he can easily tellt hose girls he's taken if he truly wants to be. ive been through this before - if they want to go they will. you may get hurt but at least its better now than after your married with kids.
• Philippines
23 Apr 07
hey.. dont be so hard on yourself. i know its not easy being the one who's putting all the effort in the relationship and frankly that shouldnt be the case. being in a relationship is a two-way street.. sometimes you give sometimes you take but its always for the benefit of both parties. i would hardly call it love if its only you doing all the caring and the loving. if you feel like he is giving you the cold shoulder then you guys should have a serious talk. communication is still the key. i do hope you guys work it out.
@psyche49f (2511)
• Philippines
23 Apr 07
Cheer up....you're not the only one who feels that way. When you're in a relationship, especially if it's the first time, I'm sure it's not gonne be easy. Like I said, I have been there,and always, there will be suspicions and uncomfortable feelings of jealousy especially when one's bf flirts with other girls. You're not really being paranoid; you are just being true with your feelings and it's good to let your bf know about this. Sure, you don't want to lose him, but being open how you feel may be a good way to let him know why and how you truly feel. Also, do give time for yourself, too. I mean, go out with other friends, too. That way, you will see things in a better perspective as you enjoy realizing that you do have a life outside of him, too.
1 person likes this
@meljessxena (2317)
• Australia
23 Apr 07
i know where your coming from, my partner and i are exactly the same, and im a shocker for jealousy then again he is a shocker for it as well.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
23 Apr 07
I have leanrned that it can be good to follow you instinct, that gutfeeling that u have - however I do also belive that this can be a case of your insecurity. I think you should have a talk with you bf - without fighting... Just talk calmly and try to make him understand how this is making you feel. If he loves you he will listen and maybe tone it down.
1 person likes this
@maevic (821)
• Bahrain
23 Apr 07
We are very much the same when me and my hubby was still not married. I control everything, his schedule, where he is going, who he's with, etc etc..and he have to call me every 15 mins if we are not together..I'm a paranoid person...I don't know how to deal with it but we always fight because of that, but now that we are married, i'm not the same person anymore...
1 person likes this
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
23 Apr 07
You can expect to make a lot of mistakes during your first relationship. It's a "rookie" kind of thing. Has he cheated before? If he has, then you are justified in your suspicions. However, if you have no evidence that he has done anything wrong, then I suggest you loosen up a bit. Too much suspicions will destroy a relationship.
1 person likes this
@aciddrop (798)
23 Apr 07
its apparently because ur bf doesnt give you enough sense of security that you feel jealous or worried.i think you are not doing anything wrong but he is.let him know you dont like him to flirt around and he should and will quit if he really cares about you.
1 person likes this
@TerryZ (22083)
• United States
23 Apr 07
I dont think its a good idea to keep him from going out. He may oby by this rule for now but later on in the relationship he will do what he wants to do. And he might resent you for this. I dont feel that jeolousy is a character in a person. To me it only means a person is not happy with themselves deep within.
@ethanmama (1746)
• Philippines
23 Apr 07
You know, the more you try to control his movements, the more he will want to get away from you. You should give him freedom to make friends with both men and women. Don't get too suspicious, you will hurt yourself, your boyfriend and your relationship. Also, if you start controlling him, he'll start keeping things from you. The more freedom you give him, the more open he will be to you. Men don't want their girlfriends or wives to tie them down. Come to think of it, women don't too.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
23 Apr 07
well...you know what I'm thinking... I do not know you well enough to say whether you are or not. But once in a while, let's do some 'check and balance' on yourself.
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@kathy77 (7488)
• Australia
23 Apr 07
Well I think that if you keep on reacting in this way you could lose him, as you will have to find other friends to mix with I know it is extremely hard when we are young and not sure of the one we love but the more that you pressurize him the more he will run the other way. Oh yes it is very hard when it is your first relationship and you are not sure of him, but believe me you will be thankful if you give him a bit more trust as I have learnt through experience that no relationship should be like a jail, so give him a little bit of space and see how he reacts and hopefully he will be the right one for you and the relationship will be successful for you.
1 person likes this