concerned for a friend

United States
April 28, 2007 7:16pm CST
I have this friend and she has been dating this guy for about 2 years. He is not a very good person. He has hit her before. He was in the Marines so he is pretty strong. I don't talk to this friend very often but everytime I do she is telling me about how he has this secret life. He has been dating some girl for about a year. She finds notes from the girl and goes through his phone. He doesn't try to deny it but after they fight about it he tells her that he will stop seeing the girl. Every couple of months she tells me he is back at it again. When I ask if she is finally going to leave him she tells me that she has invested too much time into the relationship. I just don't understand why she lets him do this to her. I know that the first time I hear that my man has been dating another girl for over a year I am gone.
5 people like this
15 responses
• United States
29 Apr 07
It sounds to me like your friend needs to become aware that there is a difference between investing time and wasting it. I would be packing his stuff the very first time too. But we all have different limits. Apparently, your friend just hasn't reached hers yet. I am concerned about the physical abuse-and it is abuse. Perhaps you might want to give her some information on domestic violence-you can get it from your YWCA. Also, just continue to be there for her and be ready to help when she does reach her limit-she'll need all the support from you that she can get.
@liranlgo (5748)
• Israel
29 Apr 07
I don't about you, but the first thing that concerned me when i read your post is that he had hit her. This is the first sign for telling the person, to pack up her bags and leave him. No person should be allowed to hit another person. And about the dating stuff, she should leave him, he had promised her lots of times and still returned to his old ways, there is not one logical reason that she'll stay with him, he will have a miserable life with him. It is only a matter of time till she will understand that she has to leave him, i do wish for her that she will understand that soon, and not wake up one morning and discover that she spend ed her good years on a person that did not deserve her.
• United States
30 Apr 07
well if it makes a difference she hit him first. She punched him right in the face cause they were drunk and he told her that he was seeing this other girl. I think maybe the second time he told her he was still seeing her. She was hitting him repeatedly in the face so he was was trying to get her off of him and she ended up getting injured in the process.
@Nardz13 (5059)
• New Zealand
29 Apr 07
Hi angelface, Exactly I'll be gone the first day of my man doing that to me, let alone a year. Your friend needs to wake up and realise there are genuine and caring men out there, that want, love and will apreciate her. No one can help her but herself, you can only be there for and give some neat friend advice and hope she makes a positive change soon. Goodluck to your friend
1 person likes this
@maryannemax (12170)
• Sweden
29 Apr 07
yup. noone can help her except for herself. you are just there to support her and advice her little things but the best step is hers to make on her own.
1 person likes this
@kgwat70 (13395)
• United States
29 Apr 07
He definitely is not a very good person if he has hit her or cheated on her. She should definitely not stay with him or trust this guy. If he really loved and cared about her, he would not be seeing or talking to that other girl. She must be very attached to him or she does not want to be alone. She needs to find someone who will treat her right and be honest and faithful to her and really love her. I would not stay with a person who was like that either.
• United States
29 Apr 07
The heck with the other woman! The hitting thing is what bothers me. Everything Jimbo45 said is true! What's more, the violence will only escalate. Get your friend all the written info you can to convince her to get away while she still can. Tell her not to wait until he has broken any of her bones. And he will!!! It's only a matter of time. And, he's lying to her as well as abusing her! The only thing worse than wasting 2 years on this guy is wasting two years and a day! He is unsafe and will only cause her more physical and emotional pain. He's a lying, cheating, cowardly, out-of-control batterer! Period. Last, but not least, be careful for yourself! These kind of men can attack those who try to help their women. Once you have informed her as fully as possible about what her future will hold with this sick puppy, you may want to back off. Let her know that when she's ready to leave him you'll help her find a safe place to go (not your house!). Other than that, there's nothing you can do, really. Having to listen to her recount this idiot's abuses must be very stressful for you. If she refuses to see reality, you may want to tell her that until she's ready to act you can't bear to listen to what's going on between them. Knowing she isn't making any effort to protect herself does mean that she's in need of counseling -- like yesterday! Urge her to go see someone, especially if she refuses to accept this jerks true nature and the very real physical danger she is in! Good Luck!
@maryannemax (12170)
• Sweden
29 Apr 07
i also had that reason before. i had been emotionally, verbally abused by my boyfriend for eight years... my ex boyfriend, i mean. i always thought of leaving him after several times he cheated on me. but i always thought that he might change one day.... and that i don't want the time and effort i have invested on the relationship to just go to waste. and so, i stayed with him. and realized... after 8 long years that he will never change for the better. i broke up with him and finally realized that life is a lot happier without such a bad person in my life. be there for your friend and tell her things she is supposed to hear. make her feel that you love her and you're there for her but she should atleast love herself, too. happy myLotting!
@mansha (6301)
• India
29 Apr 07
I know how frustrating it can be for you. My cousine has married a guy who not only hits her but tried to rape her younger sister too. He was banished from their paternal home after that. Infact befoe arriage he had hit her so bad that we thought she has met with an accident. when I had tried tio tlk her out of it she also said no he was right in hitting heras she had provoked him. God I was so mad with her way of thinking. such people can not seek help and will go through life being abused.
• Philippines
29 Apr 07
If i'm that girl, i don't care about the time that I invested already in that relationship.. What I care is the time that I'm going to waste to that kind of Guy. Good Luck to your Friend
• India
29 Apr 07
there is no point being into this relationship where she is going thru so much of pain, why to care about time invested into the relationship when there is no emotional attachmnt and respect for a girl.........he is a tormentor and an abuser, as a friend u shud take care of her and prees her to leave tht guy asap, othrwise it wud be too late :(
• United States
29 Apr 07
hi angelface, its best to put sense to your friend's head. If she will not listen, she will just continue to be too dependent on the guy and her belief in herself will soon be loss. Tell her straight that she's not investing time but instead wasting the time of her life which she can actually share to another guy that will truly love and accept her. Maybe one really reason why she can't let go is because she thinks no other guy will take her seriously?
• United States
29 Apr 07
Hi dear on one side you are concerned about your friend and see the destiny I don't have a single girl friend. I don't know when Crist will give me one. I married a lady but she left me now its two years +. I don't know if I will go back to her ever or not. She is not a one kind of me. I am looking for a girl who understands me, I am a little depressed, so takes care of me a little. Becomes a partner so that I can forget my loneliness. Watches english movies, comes to starbucks to me, movies in th theatre, TV, comes and eats food with me at home. Enjoys going to abeach with me. May be Jesus Christ wants me to live with him only. I promise the day I will never get my best friend I will never hit her. Do you know someone, God please have mercy on me.
@student7 (1002)
• United States
29 Apr 07
Apparently this guy has made your friend think that she is lucky to have ever met him. As far a hitting, that is domestic violence. He has some serious anger issues. Have your tried to talk to her family? Do they have children together? I am with you, if my man was dating another woman for a year, I would first take away the most important thing to him and that woman. Then I would high tail it out there as fast as I can. I will not let a man lay his hands on me. I will fight back. I will pray for your friend to find the strength to leave him and find a better guy that will worship the ground she walks on.
@fazelath (1174)
• India
29 Apr 07
your friend must leave that guy as he will never be faithful to her,and he is not trust worthy to be loved,i think he is using your friend thats it,the time your friend has invested must forget as a loss and find some other good guy and live a happy life,life is to enjoy not to cry behind a bad guy who does not love her or care her
• Kottayam, India
29 Apr 07
It high time advise your friend to think properly.
@kaka135 (14117)
• Malaysia
29 Apr 07
There are two major bad points in the relationship: 1) He hit her. 2) He cheats on her by dating another girl. Well, I guess we can't accept these happen in the relationship. One of my friends was cheated by her boyfriend. She forgave him several times, but he still kept on cheating. At last, my friend decided to break up with him. Although he's a lovely guy, she still loved him, it's difficult to carry on the relationship like this, as we all believe he'd never change. Chances had been given to him many times. She told me that the boyfriend actually was taking advantage of her, as he thought my friend would never break up with him. Yeah, I understand that part where she said so much time has been invested. But can she really stand this situation forever? How if they get married, they have kids, then the kids finally find out the father actually has many girlfriends? If she's ok with this situation, perhaps it's ok for her to continue the relationship. This was what I told my friend last time. She couldn't take it, and she finally decided to let it go. And now, she has a good boyfriend, and she is much happier now. Sometimes, if you don't let go, you'll never find the true happiness. Wish your friend all the best. Nobody else can help her, except herself.