How to Make Friends with Your Son in the Bloom of Youth

China
May 4, 2007 9:36am CST
My son is now fifteen years old in his ninth grade in the junior high school. This semester he show great interest in reading online novels which are not suitable for kids of his age. He is starting to lose interest in his study and doesn't want to do the exercises assigned by his teachers. He loves to play computer games as well. What's more, as he is growing older and and older, he is very rebellious against his mother, who is at home taking care of him without going to work in order to make him more comfortable with his life. As I am working far away from my home town, my wife is the only one who accompanies my son. Now he is very rude to my wife, making my so sad. I need advice from you. Can you give me some advice on how to make friends with a child of 15, at a rebellious age?Thanks.
11 responses
@lkbooi (16100)
• Malaysia
11 Oct 07
I feel sad too to come across the unhappy story concerning your 15 years old child. It is quite normal to see adolescents to be rebellious at this age. As in the case of lacking interest in doing school assignments I would suggest you to find out whether the assignments were really interesting and meaningful to him or whether he really understood the importance of doing the homework assigned. Reading outline novels could improve languages and playing online games could relax tensions provided that they are not to be too indulgent. You can always let him try on condition that he has finished his work nicely. Kids sometimes tend to be rude to parents for certain reasons which the parents must try find out and solve accordingly. With love and great concern is always the best solution. In my experience of over 20 years with my son I find that to instill the sense of friendship between child and parents is greatly essential. I treated him as my best friend and always shared our thoughts and feelings together. We used to bring him along with us wherever we went like shopping, gathering and vacation ever since he was a small kid. In a friendly manner I found that I could communicate with him easier and could venture into his internal world more readily especially during his adolescence. I understood that excessive care and love of parents could also be burdensome to the kid and I always tried to be more liberal with him and provided him with much freedom. In most cases I gave him counseling instead of commanding. Occasionally concession was given if the child really couldn’t comply with our requirements. Now my son is at his late 20s and having been working out station for many years. He is still asking me for opinions every now and then whenever he comes across any matter he couldn’t solve, just like friend. Dear jisir, my friend. An ambitious parent would always feel depressed if his child doesn’t comply with his expectations. I tentatively presume that you could solve your problem with your experience and wisdom plus the parental love.
2 people like this
• China
18 Nov 07
Hello dear lkbooi. Thanks for your nice and lengthy response and advice that are so helpful to me and my wife. I am glad to tell you that after six months, my son is getting improved a little bit as he is now in his first year in the senior high school. He doesn't have enough time to read novels now though sometimes he still wants to read. I am glad the the senior high school keeps the students very busy every day, though I was and am still very disappointed with the junior high school teachers, which doesn't push the students to work as hard as they are supposed to. I am just glad that he is no longer a junior high school student in that school. Thanks very much for your response and I am sorry that I didn't respond to your response promptly. Have a good weekend, dear friend.
1 person likes this
@lkbooi (16100)
• Malaysia
28 Feb 09
Hi jisir, it didn’t occur to me that you still appreciate the response I had written a year ago. Since this is a two years old discussion, I believe your 17 years old son has become more mature now and is completely not as rebellious as before anymore. I could see how handsome and nice the grown up son in an attached picture in one of your discussions that I had responded before. Three of you look so intimate and happy in the picture and I believe all of you are very good friends and could talk heart to heart with one another now. Actually it doesn’t matter for him to spend some time to enjoy reading novel and playing computer games online to get him refreshed again after doing the boring school assignments. Thanks for selecting mine as the best response Take care and have a great day.
1 person likes this
• China
1 Mar 09
Hello lkbooi. You are so welcome. I really appreciate your response. Yeah, he is getting more mature now and is getting a little bit better than he used to, but there is still a lot of space for him to make some improvement in every respect. I wish him to know more of himself and the hardness of getting a job with good salary. My greatest wish to him is for him to realize the importance of working hard at his lessons instead of doing something that is not beneficial to his study and future...Take care, my dear friend.
@ssh123 (31096)
• India
9 Oct 07
It is natural for children at this age to be aggressive, naughty and fun-loving, showing disrespect to elders. But it is only momentary. It is also better to treat them as friends by parents rather than going out to discipline them. Firstly, instill confidence in them that you are always there to help them. Secondly, inculcate some good hobbies and you also participate in it by doing some collection. Take them out when ever you are going out. Treat his friends with curt and respect. Invite his friends like you invite your friends. Find out his interests and try to enrich it with resources both financial and material. Keep asking questions as if you are learning from him rather than asking questions like a teacher. This aspect of big brother role they like it and get involved. Slowly involve them in your work and all these things will go a long way in striking a good habit in the children.
1 person likes this
• China
10 Oct 07
Hello ssh. Thanks for your very informative advice about how to be friends with the kids of of ours. I think that I have benefited a lot from your valuable response and we are doing some activities already and will do more based on your valuable advice. Our son is improving a lot now. Thank you again for your participation, ssh.
1 person likes this
@ssh123 (31096)
• India
10 Oct 07
By go on appreciating me for every small thing, sometimes I get a feeling that you are making me a small man. Thanks. Tell me who will not get elated to listen to praises. Glad, the tips were quite useful. I havenot seen you for quite sometime here.
1 person likes this
• China
10 Oct 07
Hello ssh. I am so glad to see you around today. I have been very busy these days and I think that I will have much less time to spare for mylotting because of my busy work this month, but I will still try to be active when I will have my four-day rest again in seven days. I am very busy with my teaching job and foreign affairs with foreign guests from New Zealand these two days and help training my students for English pseech contest around November or the end of this month. I feel stressed from my work and always think of my work even in my dream. Thanks for your greetings, dear ssh. I hope that you are doing well with everything. By the way, mylot is working very slowly tonight and I have to wait a long time for it to show before I can repost discussions. I don't think that it is the problem of my computer and internet connection because the other websites work fast. Good night, dear friend.
1 person likes this
@mimpi1911 (25475)
• India
11 Oct 07
Hi William, This is a universal problem and I think all parents go through this once their child reaches teens. This is a very delicate period and whatever you say ,act or advise gets boring and jittery. The children get as arrogant, rude and illmannered as it gets. And, the parents on their part rebukes, snaps and never try to understand that they are mere kids! I guess, this is what we call generation gap. I think, it's advisable to be in their shoes and talk out with them and give them some relaxation. becoming friends with them it very dificult and I know your wife is doing it all. But this time of age is like that. take it in your stride and keep your cool. Good luck. smiles...
1 person likes this
• China
11 Oct 07
I agree with you that this is a universal problem when kids reach this teen age. Yes, we are now making friends with our son and he is now getting much better now than he used to be. Thanks very much for your response, dear mimpi.
@mimpi1911 (25475)
• India
12 Oct 07
I am sure you two will overcome this soon. Good luck and take care.
1 person likes this
• China
13 Oct 07
Thank you so much, mimpi. Have a good day.
@laurika (4536)
• United States
12 Oct 07
Oh I am really for you to have a scuh a problems.I am sorry I wouldn't be such great help since I don't have kids.But I think you need talk to him and tell him what everything your wife sacrifice for him and for all family.He shuld be thankfull for that.I hope it would get better.
1 person likes this
• China
14 Oct 07
Hello laurika. Thank you for your advice very much. You are right to say that we need to talk to him about his mom's sacrifice for him and for the family. In fact, he knows that and he is just sometimes rebellious when he doesn't want to be supervised. So now my wife gives him more freedom in what he wants to do on condition that he pays more attention to his study without being ignored. He is now a better child as he is growing a little bit older as he is now in his senior high school since this term from September. Thank you very much, laurika.
@laurika (4536)
• United States
15 Oct 07
Oh no problem, i just hope your wife would be ok.It have to be hard for her, you know if somebody don't see what everthing she is doing for him.
1 person likes this
@SHAMRACK (8521)
• India
13 Oct 07
Hi, I hope a better child specialist in counseling can deal this smoothly. I hope prevention is better curing. An argument may give more negative returns. All will come out better. God bless you and all.
1 person likes this
• China
14 Oct 07
I agree that an argument may give more negative returns, which is completely true. I thank you very much for your valuable advice about this topic, which benefits me a lot. Be blessed, shamrack, and have a good day.
@subha12 (18452)
• India
11 Oct 07
this i sa very critical period for children as well as parents. if they are not guided and supported well, they can fall in bad hands. there are many psychological as well as physical changes at this point of time and tahts why they are vulnarable. Try to befriend with him in the way any 15 yr old will try to. Be at his level, cklear his curiosities at his level. This way he can confide in you and will ask you. Best of luck.
1 person likes this
• China
11 Oct 07
Yes, this is a very critical moment to guide and support the kids well at this age so that they won't learn bad things and fall into bad hands. We are making friends with him to make him feel that we are trusting him like the way we trust an adult. Proper psychology is of great importance in understanding more of the kids at this stage. Thanks for your nice response, dear subha.
@gradyslady (4055)
• United States
19 Sep 07
All kids believe it or not go through this some do it at different times in their lives, but it happens. It will end I promise.
1 person likes this
• China
19 Sep 07
You are right. Now after five months, he is getting better not to do so much online reading. I think that it is because he is busy with his study and he is pushed by his teachers in the new school.
• China
5 May 07
in my opinion ,you should communicate with your son as much as possible .every child needs the care from their parents . sometimes you should exchange the postion to think ,then you will be your son's good friends .
1 person likes this
• China
5 May 07
It sounds great. To exchange the position to think is what I often tell my students when they do not behave well. For example,when the students are very sleepy on a hot and tiring afternoon, I often begin with, "Hi, Kids. Suppose you are in my position, what will you do when the majority of your students are tired of study and just want to sleep on such a tiring and sleepy day?" Guess the answer? They will all say, "Jisir, I would allow them to sleep," And sometimes I do allow them to sleep for a few minutes or up to ten. Then I will yell, "Hey, Wake up, my kids. Time for class now." To some of them, it works, but not to all. You see, I follow their ideas sometimes. I won't force them to listen to me if they are really tired. I just let them be. This way we are good friends. But to my son, whatever we suggest doing, he will say,"I am not interested. I don't want to play with you." There seems to be a gap, a generation gap between us parents. I can work well with my students, but not with my son. What a failure!!! I will have to think of more ways to know him,I guess. Thanks for your advice!!!
@mrsbrian (1951)
• United States
4 May 07
15 Is such a hard age to be they want to do grown up things , they dont want anyone telling them what to do, and it is very hard on the parents. Sometimes we have to get back to there leval and become a kid again as im sure your intrest are different from his.Try to find somethings that you could do together when you are home. I would not allow the rudeness to continue at my home he would loose his internet privelages for that kind actions, nor would I allow him to be reading things on the internet that are not geared to his age. Is he hanging out with a bad group of kids? I know kids his age dont thikits cool to hang out with there mother but maby they could do things together movies,shopping,site seeing or something he enjoys. I wish you all the best as this is a tuff time in a childs life and it makes it tuff on the parents as well.
• China
5 May 07
As he is not the kind of person who loves social activities, (to be honest, he is introvert),he never hangs out with bad kids. He only loves to read novels and plays computer games on Sundays for one hour or more. We don't have to worry about his hanging out with bad kids. His biggest problem is showing no interest in study at all. If her mother asks him to read and memorize the English words, he would say, "What's the use of reciting these English words? Even if I have read them for a few times, still I cannot remember them." He seems to be stubborn and won't listen to us at all, however hard we tell him that English is one of the most important subjects at school. We have no idea what he is thinking about. When you ask him the question--What will you do after you grow up? He would say,"I know what I will do."But he never tells us his future plan. We are lost in the sea. I just wonder how come he is becoming more and more disobedient like a wild kid!
• India
4 May 07
Getting up to be a friend of your son, You should take interest in all the things what your son likes to do. So you have to understand his needs and serve him likewise. Hope you come up with him and hit the pace what the youth nowadays have adopted. Go for rock music, surfing net and include your son in any forms so that he comes more nearer to you
1 person likes this
• China
5 May 07
I appreciate your response very much. We will try to get up to be friends with him by better understanding his needs and serving him likewise. I do hope he will have some changes in his attitude towards his life and study.
@magica (3710)
• Bulgaria
4 May 07
In fact you cant prohibit him! He is almost 16. And it`s normally to feel attracted to some prohibited things and books even because of it that the prohibited fruit is sweeter. Try to discus with him more. Friendly.Without to judge or prohibit.Try to understand him, his interests.This will help to make the distance shorter. Good luck:-)
1 person likes this
• China
5 May 07
Thanks for it. As he is growing older, we don't prohibit him very often in doing things that he likes to. We will just tell him not to spend too much time in reading novels that are not helpful with his study. I once told his Mom to be friends with him by doing the same thing like he does, allowing him to do things that he likes to.But once you remind him of his study, he will just say impatiently,"I show no interest in it. Don't urge me to study." But if you don't urge him, he will just keep reading novels as if only reading novels can fill in his empty and boring world. We are trying to understand him, but he never seems to understand us. It won't be long before he will have the high school entrance examination in the middle of June. He is not worried about his lessons at all. He used to be in the fourth place in his class in the middle-term examination, but now in the latest exam, his total points made him in the 19th place. He is not making progress at all, but leggin behind, which worries us a lot. Whatever we say, he refuses to listen. He is ok with you when he has some demands and when you don't say anything about his study. Such a hopeless kid!