Dependency

@dlkuku (1936)
United States
May 8, 2007 2:23pm CST
Do you ever feel like your family is way too dependent on you? Or feel like your family can't survive without you? I often feel this way, like I have to make sure that everyone gets up for work/school, no matter what time it is. I do everything for my husband and daughter it seems, and then I do even more, then I worry that I didn't do enough. Today when I took my first break at work, I called my daughter to make sure she got up for school. Then at lunch, I called my hubby to make sure he got up for work, but he wasn't answering his phone. (We don't have a house phone, we use cell phones.) So I got to panicking, worrying that he didn't get up. He did, I finally got in touch with him when I went on my last break, here he had left his phone in his car. A lot a good his phone does in the car when he's in the house, huh? But anyway, I am starting to think that I baby my family too much, and they really are capable of getting themselves up at least!
1 person likes this
4 responses
@patgalca (15918)
• Orangeville, Ontario
8 May 07
There are two different sides to this. We raise our children to become independent self-sufficient adults. My 10 and 14 year old daughters get up every day for school, make their own breakfast and lunch and go. I don't even hear them. They used to wake me up but decided they don't want to wake me anymore. (I have a chronic illness so sleep is important to me and they recognize that. The days I have gotten up with them they see how crappy I look. That probably stopped them from waking me up. LOL!). I want my daughters to be able to care for themselves when they go out into the world but frankly, that is all they do. They don't help with dinner and dishes and laundry and cleaning. They may decide to bake a cake or bake cookies and can do so independently. That's great. At the same time I have received calls at home for forgotten lunches and since I'm only a couple of blocks from school I run it over to them. Can't have them starve. A last minute change in a basketball tournament had me running over with shorts and shoes for my daughter and other team members whose parents are not readily available. I am happy to do it really and was glad I was there to do it. As much as I want my children to be self-sufficient do I really want them to not need me anymore? No. I am here for them because they need me. They still have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of life experiences to face. I have a lot of advice to give. I would hope that they would always need me to some extent. Are my parents happy that their grown, married, children still rely on them for financial assistance? Probably not. But I am sure they are glad that they are ABLE to help and that they are there for us. As for husbands, well, they are just big boys and probably babied by their mothers and just moved from one mother to another. They will never grow up and if we weren't there they would be lost. My husband took his car to the junkyard yesterday to have it crushed. I followed him in my vehicle but I had to keep reminding him of things - did you empty the glove compartment? don't forget the license plates. Before I get a rant from a million people (well, at least 90,000), not ALL men are like this. My husband is one of 8 children. The girls did the ladies work, the boys did the outside work. Back then, women were supposed to look after their husbands, and still are to some extent. It depends on whether she is working outside the home. As much as it is a pain to have to keep looking after our kids, it is nice to be needed. I think you are doing more than enough for your family. If they mess up they face the consequences, not you.
@dlkuku (1936)
• United States
8 May 07
Thank you for responding. My husband was one of four boys, so his poor mother had not only her husband but all boys to look after. My daughter is almost 17, and I just hope she turns out to be as independent as my older two did, but then she is the baby, and I admit, spoiled, but I just want to make sure she goes to school and eats! I think I was born to be a caretaker, the only thing is, when do I get to take care of myself?
@patgalca (15918)
• Orangeville, Ontario
8 May 07
You can't look after anyone if you don't look after yourself. You have to make time for yourself, find a hobby of some sort. I go to a writer's group every week and we are planning an all day session on the upcoming holiday. My husband wouldn't dare complain because he golfs once a week - an all day affair. What I do doesn't cost money. Besides he spent years telling me to find my own hobby. The only thing is stuff doesn't get done when I go out so I still come home to the dishes and stuff. That really bugs me. But my husband does wash and vacuum the floors and does dishes occasionally. I can't complain. Really, YOU have to take that step and make time for yourself. Only YOU can do it.
29 Jul 08
It is always down to the mother in the family,and they are always depended upon,I found that when the family were at home living ,that my life was a big circle of endless jobs that all revolved around the family,and they seemed to be never ending.I do feel that they ddepended on me too much at that time,as I had no time for myself.
@mlgb_24 (638)
13 May 07
i know a caring person does that all the time, spoil the ones they love. it's good and bad. good because they feel well taken cared of and appreciated. bad because you don't teach them to be responsible enough for themselves. you need to stop worrying and trust them that they are doing in a way, the things that you are doing for them even though you're not around. one day you'd be proud, that because of your example, your daughter will grow up responsible and mindful of others..and your husband will enjoy a bit of a control for himself. it's ok to spoil, but not too much. they need to, at one point in time of their lives, to be responsible for themselves.
@Nardz13 (5057)
• New Zealand
13 May 07
Hi there, To feel like the family depended on me is a thing of the past... I use to feel like that until I made a few changes to my own life, set some rules and have kept to them.