Things not to say to a person who has suffered the loss of a baby

i responded to that post you're speaking of. and of course the first thing i said was that i was sorry. now i almost didn't write that cuz one of my friends had one miscarriage, and one ectopic, and even though i was one of her closest friends, i told her i was sorry and she was so angry at that. she said she was tired of hearing "i'm sorry". but not everyone knows what to say. did you get sick of people basically apologizing? this is hard cuz people really don't know what to say, so i feel if you don't know what to say, better not to say anything at all. i'll have to go back and see what else i said to her. but i hope i didn't hurt her feelings.

Hi Swtrose, i know how close this topic is to you. I've lost 2 babies myself. Like you said earlier, each person experiences pain differently. I think that maybe because of my personality, i didn't grieve for a long time. However, that also doesn't mean that i am not affected by it. I do once in a while ask myself what life would be like if i have 2 more children in my life and in the family. And everytime this happens, i always end up with the conclusion that life right now is better for me. Maybe it is GOD's way of knowing what is best for me. I really do not know. But it is only my husband who knows of my lost babies. We didn't tell anybody else. Not even our parents. We agreed that it is our family and we want to keep it to ourselves. Something private. We really do not need condolences or anything else from anyone because we want it to be just between us. - Lyn

One thing you forgot to add is for the women that already have children is It's ok at least you already have a child or children. Miscarriage isn't like you really lost anything, because the baby wasn't fully formed. I was around 12 wks when I miscarried. At that time I didn't know I was pregnant, because I started bleeding around the time I would have started my period. Since I was a little late, I just asumed that my body was catching up with me. It has done that in the past. I started bleeding not heavy or anything on Halloween day of '00, then about 5-6 days later after taking a shower, I sat down, luckily on the toliet to put my undies on and a huge and I mean huge gush of blood came, not to gross anyone out, but it was everywhere. My daughter was only 4 at the time witnessed that and flipped out. I didn't actually stop bleeding until April. My sister told me I needed a d&c that it would have stopped it. I couldn't even begin to deal with it, because it didn't seem to want to end. I was blessed by God above, I became pregnant about 2 months after I stopped bleeding. Then had to worry about her as well. I was told that she could be born without a heart, or die the moment after birth. I was told to abort her. I told the doctor no, I wouldn't do that. Before the miscarriage, right after I lost my brother to murder. I was looking around on the internet for chat rooms for people that had a loss. At that moment, I needed to talk to people that lost a loved one, be the person a child, a family member, anything. I was sinking in that hole of depression fast and quick. I found one, but was told to come back after I lost a child that I was basically not welcomed. It really hurt, I did come back after I miscarriaged, that person was nor longer there. The ladies welcomed me and let me talk about my brother which helped. I was also able to find a site that helps people with all kinds of losses. If it wasn't for those ladies, I wouldn't be here today. I'm still friends with many of them, that went on to have other kids, I still listen with them when they talk about there babies. They shared there happiness when I was pregnant and vice versa. A couple of them helped me get through many holidays and same with me with them. I learned the most important thing is just be there. You don't have to say anything, just be a shoulder, an ear, let them talk about there babies. It doesn't matter if it takes 5 minutes or 5 hours. Just be there, via phone or the internet or in person if able.

Hey Swt. I don't know if I have ever said the wrong thing (i hope not) but i do find it hard to say the right thing, and also to say nothing. :( I had a miscarriage Jan 2006, and the only thing people said to me besides my hubby and 1 girl was "it wasn't meant to be". Blah. I still don't like thinking about it.

Yes,you are quite right. My aunty Z lost her son after her first pregnancy.My older cousin(my aunty Z's daughter)and I found a letter written by my aunty Z in the drawer some day and we knew that indeed we "had" a older brother.But unfortunatley,he couldn't live with us.From then on my older cousin and I understand why my aunty Z would like to pay more attetions on little boys.She still grieve over her little son! Lossing the baby is the most pain for a mother.There is no word to cure her sadness.

You are right, you never get over it. When I had my little stillborn boy, he was my baby. And, part of me left and went with him. I don't think I can ever explain that feeling, but part of my heart left and went with him, I felt it. I know people just didn't know what to say, but when they say "oh you can have another one". Yes, that was true and I did, but they don't replace the one that is gone. We go on with our lives, but we still wonder what he would be like, would he play sports, would he like music. Who would he look like. And, I have a place in my heart that can't be filled. The good thing is that I'm no longer afraid to die, because I know I'll get to see him.

I gave up an infant for adoption and when I got married and tried, I found I always miscarried. A former friend told me the reason I could not have any was so some poor woman in Africa *who was more deserving" could have a lot of children. People should not assume that childlessness is because that childless person is so horrible that God will never let them be a good mother.

Some people are just so ignorant. Some of the things that you listed here are proof of that. I know when we lost our Grandaughter my cousin sent a stupid poem and to this day I cant stand him. People should not say anything at all if they have to say things like this. Im sorry will suffice because you there really is not anything that anyone can say that is going to make it better. I really wish people would just think before they open their srupid pie holes.

I'm pretty sure I have said something like "I know what it feels like to have a miscarriage" but only AFTER I had one back in the end of 2005. I certainly never thought I would grieve like I did, and I still feel sad whenever I think about it. But what IS someone SUPPOSED to say to someone that lost a child whether it was born or not? Nothing? Would this make the grieving person feel better or worse?

I have not suffered such a loss, but I have several friends who have, whether the loss was a miscarriage, a stillbirth or one that occurred when the child is older, I have no way of knowing how that person feels, but I know they are feeling a lot of pain and grief. I try not to say anything that will bring them more pain, but I can acknowledge their pain and say I am sorry, and just be there for them. I have one friend who told me that the worse thing was when others didn't acknowledge her loss at all when she miscarried, she may not have gotten to hold her baby in her arms, but she held the child in her womb and in her heart.

You are so right. I lost my son 16 years ago at the age of 15 months. I still grieve for him. His birthday is coming up in a few days and it isn't any easier this year then it was 15 years ago. I still find myself depressed, I wonder what he would look like, what his temperment would be. I was so upset when my son passed away and I heard over and over again, you're only 20 there is still plenty of time for you to have more children. Yes there was still plenty of time but another child can not replace Tyler. I know they might have meant well but it hurt and I feel it shouldn't have been said. When I meet someone that has lost a child I try to stick to "I am sorry for your loss" or something simular. I can sympathize which what you are going through but I can not know EXACTLY what you are feeling. Each person is different just like each child is different, we all handle the same thing differently. There is no timeline on when you should stop grieving for your child. I will remember my son each and every day of my life. He was a part of me, I believe my children are the best part of me. He is still very much loved, the same amount of love I had when I found out I was pregnant with him. For me my grieving will probably go on for the rest of my life.

You raise some interesting points. People need to be sensitized about loss through miscarriage. Whether you believe that it's a real child or just a fetus, it is a loss nonetheless to the mother whose dreams are extinguished. That alone is worth greiving over.

i agree with you!! i think in this stage it is better to just let them know that you are there for them and care about them. A mother who has lost a child will talk about it when she feels it is time other than that nothing at all should be said untill she is ready (which could be never). I am very sorry for your loss!! and my prayers are with you!!

My ex was a behemoth!!! He told me to get over it!! I lost my daughter (miscarrage) December 10th 1995 and it still hurts on that day!!! I get very withdrawn still!!! He was so mean to me last year... hes like get over it shes gone theres nothing you can do about it and besides it was so long ago why are you even still bothered by it!!! I was so mad we broke up over it!!! Please people remember it dont matter how long it has been the pain can still remain!!!

Hi Swtrose I think your right about all the sayings that people say to you. I feel if you dont know what to say in these circumstance dont say anything. Ive found myself in this sitution a couple of times in my life and I simply cant say anything because I feel the hurt as bad as them. So all I can do is be there for them and give them hugs. Its truely a difficult thing and I think your a very strong person and hugs to you.

You cant never get over a child or a loss no.But I know alot of people that have to move on with thier lives.Yes they still think of the child and I am not saying that they shouldnt feel sad or grief at one point or another ,everyone does whether it be losing a child or parent ect..But You have to move and be strong.I have a friend who lost a child and yes she still greives but she understood she couldnt just think it was the end of the world and to never move on.I think that people are just trying to be helpful and understanding for the persons loss.If they dont like that then they shouldnt post it.Because then people are going to respond because people feel for people.

You cant never get over a child or a loss no.But I know alot of people that have to move on with thier lives.Yes they still think of the child and I am not saying that they shouldnt feel sad or grief at one point or another ,everyone does whether it be losing a child or parent ect..But You have to move and be strong.I have a friend who lost a child and yes she still greives but she understood she couldnt just think it was the end of the world and to never move on.I think that people are just trying to be helpful and understanding for the persons loss.If they dont like that then they shouldnt post it.Because then people are going to respond because people feel for people.

My second pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy. The worst thing someone said to me was, well, you already have one baby. I also heard, you can get pregnant again. It took a long time to get over the grief of losing my baby before it was born. I was able to have more children after losing that one, but nothing can really make up for the loss of a baby or a child, whether or not it was born. I still find myself missing one.

Bless you for posting this! I myself have had several miscarriages, one ectopic pregnancy, and a pre-term birth at 6 months. I had to have an abortion because I needed to make a decision between living to care for the only child I had or taking a chance of another miscarriage, loss or my own life. I chose to take care of my existing child, it was the hardest decision I had to make, and sometimes I regret it deeply, 10 years later, it still hurts. I have heard most of these sayings that you listed. I can't stand to be told those things, and to hear others say it to someone else suffering through this loss, it is almost unbearable to keep my mouth shut. So thanks for posting this, I too have been subjected to such words and they aren't necessary. Sometimes it is just enough to have someone there with you, you do'nt have to say anything. Take care!

I know some people never get over the loss of a child. We have a family "secret" but once we all found out about it it make a lot of sense as to why my great-grandma was a female hater. She had 6 babies, 5 were girls. Her son passed away when he was around 5 months of age, but no one can really remember how. She never got over it. She had always acted mean towards all her daughters and their daughters and so on. I remember feeling very jealous when my male cousins received gifts and I didn't. After losing my child I can understand how it might effect her this way. She always blamed God and cursed him for giving her only daughters after Harry. She was pregnant with one the day she lost him and people kept telling her at least you have another on the way, that will help easy the pain. Wrong!, it made it worse and caused a lifetime of haterd. Grief can do bad things to a person, and bitterness is one of them.