it will be 15 yrs on tues.....wow!!

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my father killed himself on may 22, 1992. i cannot believe that it will be 15 yrs on tues. he killed himself on my step mothers birthday. i dont like her. that is a whole other post though..lol. it is just amazing how life goes on even after a life is lost. everytime i look at my kids, i see him. i get sad when big things are happening to my kids, like when they perform or have a graduation or something. he isnt there to see it. although, hopefully he is but they dont know it. my kids never got to meet him. it wasnt until recently that we started to talk about him. my 4 yr old is suddenly obsessed with his grandpa. he looks at my photo album with his pics in it quite a bit. he tells anyone that will listen that his grandpa died. it is very sad. my father and i didnt have a good relationsip ever. he and my mother divorced when i was only 5 yrs old. he rarely picked me up for his visitation. my mother moved us from nj to las vegas when i was 15 so the last time i saw him was when i was 16 when i went for a visit to nj. i didnt talk to him much on the phone either. i think that the relationship that we had made it even more difficult to see him go. i always had the hope in my heart that one day he would find some more interest in me. he was more into my half bro and sis who at the time of his death were only 2 and 3 yrs old. they obviously dont remember him. i had to fill in the blanks quite a bit because like i said before, there are issues with their mother, my stepmother. so the day is arriving once again. it is a sad day for me. had he not given up on life for reasons that to me are just not worth giving up, he would have these 4 wonderful grandchildren and 3 wonderful children in his life. i think that people that kill themselves do not think of what their actions will do to those people around them that love them. it is very sad. they get to just give up and we have to try to move on. it is hard, but possible. i will remember my father on tues and try to help my kids to learn more about him as well. when tues is over, i will be happy that i made it thru another year.