suicide

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wow..today it has been 15 years since my father left this earth by his own hands. he shot himself in the chest with a shotgun in our summer vacation house in nj. it is also my stepmothers birthday. she is a witch. that is another story. he did it on her birthday for a reason. i cant believe that it has been 15 years already. i was 18 when he died. i only feel about 22 now..lol. i am just amazed at how time flies. i am sad that he is gone and that my kids dont get to know him. he wasnt the nicest man in the world and he had a lot of issues that he didnt get help for so it isnt much of a loss for my kids really. it is sad to say that but it is true. he wasnt a good father to me, ever. but that doesnt help really. he took a lot of years from me. the saddness and morning and the crappy childhood due to him. so i am by no means devestated. i am actually really ok today. i am keeping busy. i have 2 stories to cover for the paper today and my kids to keep me going. so this day will be like every other day. just thought that for the few moments that i write this post, that i would remember my father and this would be like a memorial for me. i will briefly tell you a little about what good i remember of him. he owned a race horse. i grew up at the horsetrack and loved that. i take my kids occasionally and they enjoy it too. he was a professional bowler so i also grew up at the bowling alley. i have many good memories of being in both places. i have a brother and sister from my father and stepmother and i have recently found them after ten years of not seeing them. i missed a lot of years of them growing up as they are only 18 and 19 yrs old. that is for another post though..lol. so today, i will honor the man that gave me life, as well as took some of my life away. he is still my father no matter how you look at it so today i will remember the good and throw away the bad, for today.