didn't really know whether to post this. My father is probably dying soon

@Galena (9120)
May 22, 2007 3:17pm CST
and I don't really feel anything much about it. for the record, I stopped seeing him when I was 14, as I was fed up of his spiteful, nasty, narrow minded and just generally horrible character. if he wasn't a relative I'd never have had anything to do with him. and now I just feel, half nothing, and half angry that he's been such a useless parent that I, and the rest of his daughters, feel this way about it. it's not fair that we've all missed out on growing up with a decent dad. he's driven each and every one of us away, and now he's probably only got a day or so left, and none of us are upset. and most of all I'm just pissed off with him for making me not care. families are complicated.
12 people like this
19 responses
@hezoid (2147)
22 May 07
You shouldn't feel guilty about not being upset. There's no rule that you should feel anything for someone just becuase of a blood tie if they have never been an important (or any) part of your life. Unfortunately we can't choose our relatives, only our friends, and families are indeed complicated. I hope isntead of dweliing on him you spend time with the fmaily you love.
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
22 May 07
Families are complicated. I am sorry that you feel that way, but in your situation who could blame you? If he wasn't a father and wasn't a part of your life, then how could you feel any emotional bond with him? I am sorry you missed out on growing up with a decent dad and that this man drove you and your sisters away like that.
2 people like this
@whywiki (6070)
• Canada
22 May 07
I have a friend who refers to her dad as a sperm donor. That is the only thing he did for her as far as she is concerned. It makes me sad as I have such a great dad and he was such a positive force in my life. Maybe you should go and see him and tell him how you feel and how he made you feel growing up. Maybe seeing as he is dying he will be receptive to listening to you and maybe you can put some closure on some of the pain you have experienced. If you let him die without saying your piece you may end up regretting it. Either way I hope you make peace with yourself over the issue.
@Galena (9120)
22 May 07
that's just it though. it's not so much pain as indifference. I'm quite happy not to have anything to do with him ever again, and don't have any desire to see him. I'm more annoyed at him for not being a real dad. my stepdad is an amazing man, and has always done everything he can for me. I love him to bits. and if he can be that in my life without being related, it seems so sad that my biological dad didn't even try. but as for having anything to do with him. I just don't want to go there, really. A. I don't want to. B. I'd feel like a hypocrite.
@whywiki (6070)
• Canada
22 May 07
I can't say as a I blame you at all. I would probably feel the same way. My friend considers her step father as her real father and her biological father as just the sperm donor. I know her dads and I know her step dad considers her as his daughter and he is a great dad. I think it takes nothing to father a child but takes a special man to be a real dad.
1 person likes this
@vokey9472 (1488)
• United States
23 May 07
I am sorry for you impending loss. I am also sorry that your father hurt you and made you feel this way about him. I completely understand as I am pretty much the same way about my father. I have cried for my father before. I cried for what could have been and I have cried for what we could have had. It may seem like you feel nothing right now, but some day it may hit you and you may want to cry. It will be ok if that happens. You are allowed to grieve for what could have been had he chosen to be a better person. I heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my prayers. I know you aren't a Christian (I have read your posts before) but I hope that you don't mind my praying for you. Blessed be (I was pagan once a long time ago).
1 person likes this
@Galena (9120)
24 May 07
I don't mind at all. when someone offers to pray for someone, unless it's to pray for their conversion, it's an act of kindness and very touching. and positive thoughts, wherever they've been pointed, are a good thing.
@derek_a (10897)
27 May 07
Families are complicated I feel because they are so much entwined with our emotions. Especially the parents being the fundamental relationship from which we are obliged to learn how to relate to others and ourself. Also, whatever we resist seems to hang around us - as with your father now. The peace will come when you feel you can let him go, forgive him for the way he was and move on. I deal a lot with this with clients. Often I am asked what they can do if they feel they just can't forgive. I don't see forgiveness is something that you do. It cannot be made to happen, it just happens. All that is required is that we stay in touch (mentally) with the person we have issues with. We may cry and become stressed, or we may deny them that power over us. Slowly (or quickly, for this is something that has little to do with time) we feel OK to be not OK, then suddenly that will disappear too and we are totally OK with that person and see them as nothing more than a process in our life that gave us an opportunity for greater realisation for the way our karma is working and how we will deal with it in the future.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 May 07
I am sorry you missed out on having a good dad. I had a truly wonderful dad. He was always there when I needed him and I miss him terribly. I hope that some day you can if nothing else, learn to forget how bad your father was. I wish you all the best.
1 person likes this
@Sherry12 (2475)
• United States
23 May 07
You have every reason to not have any feelings for him. He is the one who wasn't there for you and your sisters. Families are complicated. Don't feel bad for being mad.
1 person likes this
@angelface23 (2497)
• United States
23 May 07
Yeah my dad left very quickly after i came along. I didn't even meet him until I was 12 or 13. I would see him maybe once a year after that. He was a drunk and a pretty trashy guy. He had my mom stabbed while she was pregnant with me. That is a rumor my mom told me he might have had something to do with it. Anyways, when I was like 20 he had a stroke. I went to see him. That was the last time though. That was about 4 years ago. I guess I have mixed feelings because he is my dad and I love him for that but he left me and probably had something to do with my mom being stabbed. I called him around christmas time when I was all drunk to tell him I had a baby. He said he wasn't doing too good but it's not really my concern I guess.
• United States
23 May 07
I can understand how you feel. My father abandoned my mother and me since before I was born! The last time I saw him I was probably not even 5 yet. I really wanted a father around during my formative years but I didn't. He didn't care enough to be in my life. I recently heard from him and he said he would come and see me if I paid for the airfare! Can you belive the nerve of that man? I don't care to see him now! I'm a grown woman. I needed him around when I was little, not now. I could care less what goes on in his life. So I could relate to what you're feeling. I don't wish my father any harm but I also don't care about what's going on in his life. Why should I? He doesn't care about mine.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 May 07
I totally empathize, my father wrote me a letter when I was 14 telling me that he was dying of cancer. He did. He was never there for me. I was raised by my mother and my grand-mother. I learned not to rely on men. My step-father was okay with my brother and I when we were children, but when we got to the ages of six and seven, he changed, he drank more, he smoked more, he began verbally abusing my mother, I wanted to kill him at times for the things that he has done to my family and me. I learned that men cannot be trusted.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (61137)
• United States
23 May 07
I'm sorry Galena. I'm sorry you didn't have a great dad. I'm sorry that the loss of the dad you do have leaves you as much angry as indifferent. I'm sorry that he has neither the time, nor the ablility to change into someone that could change the way you feel about him. Some times life is just more complicated than we can understand it. You don't know what or why you dad became the way he's become. Maybe, just maybe, some day you will find something in your life that can help you understand a tiny bit of why this man became the way he did. He might have had an addiction, or a mental illness, or an event in his childhood or even just plain cussedness that made him this way. Sometimes there is no understanding. I hope that someday you can find a place for a little forgiveness and I'll be sorry if you can't. I think there is some kind of almost karmic influences when you really can't find any shred of forgiveness for someone. I'm personally working on that myself - and the person in question isn't related so hadn't had near the effect that a parent or family member can wreck.
1 person likes this
@eaforeman6 (8983)
• United States
23 May 07
I truly hope that you will pray for him and offer forgiveness. I hope that you will have peace and be able to have closure without all negative feelings. I am sorry things were like this. Its hard when its a family member that you have problems with.....and it happens in every family...I wish all families could have peace and love.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (44032)
• United States
23 May 07
Well my parents were divorced when I was very young--I was only a year and a half old when they divorced...the families never kept much in contact so I never got to know my father well--he did come to visit once when I was about six, but left no impression on me...I mean he was a complete stranger, I just couldn't relate to him at all even though he was my father--My mother...ah, another complicated issue here...which I won't go into unless you want me to write a post the length of a novella...but oh, yes...families are extremely complicated
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
22 May 07
Families are very complicated. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, not that he is dying, but that he wasn't really alive for you as a father in the first place. I'm in the situation with my own family where I don't feel any real connection to them, because they haven't been anything family is supposed to be for me. People tell me all the time that I should try to "repair" my relationship with them, because I will be sad when they die. But I think it would be "building" a relationship I never had in the first place, and I don't really care to do it. So I can see where you're coming from here.
1 person likes this
@nana1944 (1367)
• United States
23 May 07
I had a very wonderful dad. My questions are these for you..How will you feel when he passes? Will you feel like you should have made the effort in the last days to be there for him even though he wasn't there for you? Maybe you should be a better person than he has been. I cannot begin to know how you feel and will not be one to say I understand. I only know how I felt that my brother whom I had a fight with a few weeks before he was killed in an accident back in the late sixties. I felt guilty and it was such a trivial matter we argued about that I couldn't even remember what it was. You have however, had a lot of years to remember of your father's behavior. Follow your heart. I am hoping you come to the right decision for yourself.
@Galena (9120)
23 May 07
I can't honestly say I know how I'll feel. in all honesty I can't see any benefit to seeing him. I don't like him, I don't have an emotional attachment to him. I can't see wishing I'd made things up because I don't really need to. I've got all the family I need.
@jlara_gtr34 (3492)
• Philippines
22 May 07
oh, im sorry to hear this. :( well, i guess you just have to forgive him and just forget about all that he has done wrong to you. you see, dying persons tend to be also defensive so dont give up even though he pushes you away, show him that you love him still. :)
@Galena (9120)
23 May 07
I don't though. it would be wrong to pretend.
@JcHitomi (101)
• Nepal
24 May 07
Thats is so sad. Eventhough he didnt care you that much the fact will still remained that he is your father. I wouldnt judge him for all his doings, but I have the feeling everything he;s been through now it affects you. Somehow you are related to him even you think he is one of the worst person youve know. But then its only forgiveness and acceptance will be the key for both of you will be in peace after all life must move on and the reality should be face. Its family thing ;)
@nill_07 (1104)
• Bangladesh
23 May 07
It is really sad.. But i think you be greatful always to your father at least thinking that he is your father. It is always impossible for a child to back the credit of father. Father is a human.. (To err is human) He has a mind himself.. but father should see dream involving his family specially involving childrean. Ofcourse, he will be aware about you today or tomorrow. May be it will be so late for him..
• India
23 May 07
I think you should had gone to meet him. Well, even just a sothing word from you may help him to rest in peace. Time is the greatest healer. Of course we cannot forget what bad things the people have given us and it gets freshened up in our mind whenever we look at them. But again your mentality also counts. I remember some celebrity saying once that he didn't know people who he didn't like. You might say its easy to say on a forum like this but the reality is cruel. Well, again let me ask you what you have given to him to accept a return from him. I agree that family relations are complex but just think over it.