Would you stay in an abusive relationship?

@disvachic (10120)
United States
May 23, 2007 7:57am CST
A friend of mine has a friend who is an abusive relationship.She take the physical,verbal and emotional abuse.My friend is trying to get her to go to HERS its a battered women shelter but she wont go.My friend even told her to call the police but this girl wont go.She has been taken to the emergency room on several ocassions.My thing is why stay in this abuse? Do she like it is she scared or what?I'm sorry aint noway I could stay in a relationship like that.My grandmother was badly abused in her first marriage and the stories she told me put my in tears.Getting hit with a broom,black eyes,broken shoulder.AINT no way in HELL
21 people like this
88 responses
• United States
23 May 07
I've been married twice... I've been divorced twice.... People say there must be something seriously wrong with me to be married and divorced so many times and be so young. What it boils down to is this: I will NOT be physically or verbally abused by anyone. They get three strikes before they're out - and that includes seeking professional help. In both cases, they refused and it made things so much worse for me when I made the suggestion. I ran for my life the first time - fled from Oregon to New York. The second time I had two children and I was running for all our lives because I would NEVER tolerate them being treated as I was.
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
That is a sad situation.I could not be running like that all my life.My grandmother stayed and had 10 kids by my grandfather because she had nowhere to go but years later she met my stepgrandfather and they came here to va.she is has been with him over 30 years now.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 May 07
those are very difficult situations that you have been through and extremely traumatic, too. if i were in your shoes, i will never take another chance at marriage. but of course, i cannot dictate that to you and i can never blame you if you will try it for a third time. next time that you will consider getting married, know the man very well first. you cannot possibly afford a third mistake. maybe it will be wise to hire a private detective to know his background before considering tying the knot for a third time around.
2 people like this
• United States
23 May 07
I had to take a long, hard look at my life and I realized I was following in my mother's foot steps. She also was married to an abusive man, my father, and later married another bad man. So, I had to figure out how to break the cycle and see people differently in order to stop running and start living. It wasn't easy, but it's been done.
1 person likes this
@maryannemax (12168)
• Sweden
23 May 07
hello and miss you. anyway, i know friends who are in abusive relationships. and yet, they always try to keep in a relationship hoping tha tone day their partners will change. friends with kids say that they are keeping the marriage alive for the sake of their children. but i feel so sorry for them. they allow their partners to hurt them... slowly, they lose self respect and self confidence. i hope they will allow others to help them as well. as for me, i had been in an abusive relationship, too before. but not physically abused... i say, emotionally abused. but just like my friends, i hoped for the best.. looking for days that one day, he will soon realize that he is wrong and that he will still renew. but that day never came. and after 8 years, i came to my senses and realized that i should love myself more and move on in life without him. and i am glad i did.
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
Hey girl you've been hiding. aw man im glad you got out that relationship its not healthy.Far as your friend with children its not good for the kids to see this go on.In my book i think it would be better to get out of the relationship for the sake of the kids.
1 person likes this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
another thing kids might grow up thinking its okay to physically hurt someone when they are angry. whats best for the kids is to have their mother alive so i hope your friend wakes up and leave as soon as possible.
1 person likes this
@maryannemax (12168)
• Sweden
23 May 07
haha. i wasn't hiding. i just took a break for two weeks from myLot. i guess i need to since i had been here for 9 months already. hehe. anyway, i miss you. and yep. you are right. my friend should leave such a man since he does not deserve her attention and presence. plus, it might worsen after sometime, too.
2 people like this
@Savvynlady (3685)
• United States
23 May 07
I was in one; was married to a man who in the end abused me; I left; because of it, I got divorced, he got the kids because I ended up having to move back to the deep south, and couldn't get no job at first; it caused me a lot of anxiety. when the divorce occurred, I was ordered to pay child support, and they claimed i made up the abuse and all. I don't care. God knows the deal. But to answer the question, no pun intended, HELL NO. because of it, I just haven't entered another relationship. When I do decide to give a man a chance, something happens for it to not work out.I am at a point now where I would like to meet a good man, but stuff like that just makes me a bit nervous.
3 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
Why in the world would they think that?thats so wrong.If i was you being that you have experienced this situation i would just be more aware and look for signs.
1 person likes this
@swtnss (264)
• United States
23 May 07
ok i have to say this, i know how that feels because it took me a while to be with a man but sometimes i still feel that the i am gonna go through the same situation but i try to give the man the benefit of the doubt.this is why i am in counseling now to deal with it because now i have a fiance and i know that he is not the type of man to abuse women but i still have the doubt in my mind so thats why im talkint to a therapist so that i can go on. There are good men in this world but i say wait on God to bring you that someone.
2 people like this
• United States
7 Dec 07
My1Savior,Swtness and Diva, I will say this. When Katrina happened, the girls had to come stay with me since they were in the direct path of the storm. Because of them staying with me, and all, they ended up coming back to stay in May of 2006. My eldest is about to graduate from high school next May and the other is a sophomore. I haven't gotten into a relationship since my marriage ended. well one, and it was disastrous. I have met some men that are good, but the rest needs to be told on that.
@lpetges (3036)
• United States
24 May 07
There are a lot of circumstances in which applies to different people. i have no way of judging what someone should or should not do.. i, however, would NEVER stay. no matter what. there is help available out there, and if not, I would help myself!!
3 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I know it seems like its easy for us to say.
@winterose (39893)
• Canada
24 May 07
I wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship either, but women who do need help. They need therapy to help them understand that they do not need to life this way. They often lack self esteem and figure they cannot live without this man or if they do leave him they guy will kill them. They usually leave the man at least 5 to seven times before they make the final break. Each time they go back because they believe the guy will change and of course he never does.
3 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
24 May 07
Yea and you definitely can't change him thats for sure.
2 people like this
@fazelath (1174)
• India
24 May 07
self respect is very important for me,i would not take any physical,verbal and emotional abuse,i would get out of the relationship,i am human and can tolerate to a limit,not beyond that,she should leave him,she can earn,and can be independent and one day she will get her true love,with whom she can be happy, why tolerate an abuser
3 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
6 Jul 07
its definitely not worth it and thats forsure.
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
23 May 07
Yes Sweetie she is scared very scared and there is no one that can take that fear away from her, she is the only one that can do it Your Friend can only be there for her but do not pressure her to much as it might have consequences I just hope it does not take her to long to pick up the courage here I really do Some People are strong and will get out of it and others are weak and take a long time to get out of it I am surprised that the Hospital is not questioning, she needs to get out Guide her do not pressure her
3 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
yea definitely encourage her but not pressure because she might loose that confidence that she cant make the right decision and she prolly dont need that in her life right now.Far as the hospital i was thinking the same thing.Maybe she tells them a different story.She prolly dont tell she is being abused.
1 person likes this
@34momma (13891)
• United States
23 May 07
when you a strong mentally. you have a better chance of not falling prey to men like this. i don't know if you choice to deal with this kind of relationship. when you are weak and hurt, and someone is loving you, and slowly that "love" turns to something else like hurt words or fist. it can brake you. some people confuss love with self hate. or love with hitting. it is very sad to see anyone in this kind of relationship. but if you allow anyone to take advantage of you, you are only a bad word or a hit away from being like your friend. so make sure you think about what you are WILLING TO PUT UP WITH. that goes to all women reading this post.
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
It really is sad and all it takes is one small hit and that should be a sign for all women.He will definitely do it again.Nobody should be going through any type of violence.Theres noway i could put up with it.
2 people like this
• United States
23 May 07
No woman likes being abuse, most live in fear every minutes of the day. Why don't woman leave?, well this can be for several reasons. Some are so afraid of being alone that they stay because they think well if he is hitting me at least I am not alone. Some are so afraid that if they do leave the man will just find them anyway and maybe even kill them. Some stay because they have no money and don't know how they will survive. Most abusers make sure they cut off all money, friends and family little by little until the woman is isolated and alone. They degrade the woman, bring down her self esteem possibly telling her she is lucky to even have him because no man would ever want her. Some stay because the man cries after a beating and swears this is he last time and says how sorry he is ect... so the woman (because she truly loves him) believes he will change. I have been there, I made all the excuses in the world not to leave. The final straw was when he hit my child. I have now been in hiding since 1993. I truly believe the man will kill me if he ever locates me. I live in fear every day watching over my shoulder every where I go. The night the police finally saved me (it only took them 45 minutes after I called 911) he told me if he couldn't have me no one could. Believe it or not the police were actually no help that night, he was not arrested or anything. I had to go through a angency to help file charges against him. He served only 2 weeks in the county jail. My children and I are serving a life sentence of fear, how is this fair? So whatever her reason is for not leaving there is nothing your friend can do to convince her, she has to come to the realization of what he is and that she needs to leave. Forcing her will only cause her to hold on tighter and push your friend away. The only thing your friend can do is be there for her and give her the support of knowing she isn't alone.
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
That is terrible.I am glad to hear you got out that nightmare.For him to only get 2weeks is ridiclous.Hearing thease stories makes me sad.I feel for women in this abusive relationships.They need to realize that the man is not going to change because they let him cross the line.I hope they will find that inner strength and get out before its to late.
2 people like this
• United States
23 May 07
It took an abusive relationship for me to be the strong woman I am today. He hit me a few times and I sat back and thought "What the Hell are you doing? Your dad taught you better than that." So I ended it and as he came to strike me I knocked him down to the ground. I do not take anything from anyone you will not abuse me. I will not stand for it no matter how much i love you. I wish your friend luck. For some it is harder to find the strength. I pray that she will, before it's too late.
3 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
Thats great,many women in abusive relationships lose their lives and did not get the chance to start their life over.Im glad you did not let it go any further.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 May 07
that woman does not know at all how to deal with the problem. she has resigned to receiving the abuses and that more are coming. next time that her partner abuses her again, your friend can undertake the necessary step. she can call in the police to intervene. unless this woman receives professional help, she has no grasp as to what is really happening to her all this time. i believe that in your country, the police will still help if it is a third party that phones in for help. this is so in ours.
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
yea and I believe they can protect the caller and not revealed who called them.Even the for the battered women shelter she can call for her,im not really sure
1 person likes this
• United States
24 May 07
I have been in several abusive relationships, its never good to stay. I found myself dating a wonderful football player in highschool, he was everyone's dreamboat. His name was Steven Mills, every girl in school was droopy eyed over him. One day he asked me if it hurt, I questioned "what?". He said " when you fell from heaven", which was lame; but he was so dreamy. (well back then) We started dating and going out to the movies and dinner. Things started off really well, until about three months into the relationship. Steven and I were watching a movie at his parents house, just cuddling and enjoying the nice warmth of the blanket on the couch. He turned to me and asked me if I minded him kissing me, and I replied "no" ( duh that's what I wanted). He kissed me and proceeded to touch me in places i'd rather not mention, without asking! I pushed him away and instead of apologizing or trying to explain himself he slapped me. Shocked by what he had done i left, I didn't cry or get upset just shocked. I when home and just sat in my room trying to grasp what had just happened, and why. The next day at school he gave me a three page letter explaining that he was going through a rough time and was sorry. I finally after a couple of days forgave him, our relationship continued after that. Everything went steady and fine again, until about 5 months into the relationship. Again we were watching television at his house, and cuddled up I might add. He got up to get a drink and I changed the channel from monster truks, to cartoon network( I loved cartoons). He came back calmly sat down asked me for the remote, and then threw it at my face. He looked at me and said, "won't change the channel again will ya?". It was scary, so I got up to leave again. As I gathered my things he watched me, I got the the door and he grabbed me by the hair and threw me down. He just started hitting me with the remote over and over again, so since I couldn't fight him off I did the next best thing I covered my face and protected myself. After he stopped beating me I went home, my mother wasn't home so i did what I could with my face. To my luck and surprise she didn't notice the scratches or bruises. I did a good cover up job. The next day at school he informed me that we were no longer a couple, and thats the last I heard from him. That was one of the easier abusive relationships I had, much easier. I find that if you love someone sometimes you care so much that you believe they can change no matter what they do to you or how many times they do it. I really think that its a bad deal for some girls, because you know they aren't going to change in the back of your head; but you still don't listen. I think that your friend should get out as soon and as fast as she can, its not good this relationship. Someday it could be worse than bruises and broken bones, someday she might not wake up. You need to gently remind her of this, and tell her that as a friend you don't want to have to bury her. Just be a friend and help her get out and get out fast, just be there for her to help in any way she may need. If she's getting out its going to be a battle, and hard one at that.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
24 May 07
Seems like thats how the women fall for it when the man apologizes and say he is sorry.Its really a sign when he do it one time then he will do it again.With your situation he must felt really guilty and ended the relationship himself.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
24 May 07
Oh gosh yes!God work in mysteriuos ways and this is a blessing for his sister to speak out in your favor because right is right and wrong is wrong.His butt needs life in prison for killing somebody,hitting on women.I'm glad it didnt get that far with you.Girl you are blessed.
2 people like this
• United States
24 May 07
I agree with the blessed part, to have gotten through all those horrible relationships and to find a wonderful man who's given me more than I could ever imagine I am blessed. I have a wonderful family and a man that loves me for me, and wouldn't think of laying one finger on me in an ill mannered way. I think that its just great to have gotten through such hard times. I hope that ever person experiencing these kinds of realationships can get out like did and find happiness like I've found. I just pray that your friend finds her way out, and can get to the happiness she deserves.
2 people like this
• Canada
24 May 07
I can honestly tell you | would not. I know because had the chance to leave and I did on two occasions and am now married to a wonderful man! I really truly do not understand why some women stay. Hit me once possible I would stay to see what that all means, hit me twice I am gone!
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
24 May 07
thats good you left,but hit me once and your outta here.
2 people like this
• Canada
24 May 07
Very easy to say hit me once and I am outta there. I said that my whole life. Because I was raised in a fairly violent family. But that is harder to say when your in a relationship with no physical stuff then one day a huge fight and a hit. Not so easy to leave when you are both in shock that he did it. Maybe if the first hit turned into a beating yes I probably would of gone. But sense it wasn't and the circumstances were as they were and we both were in shock as to how we could argue and fight to that level I stayed. But once you cross a line it is easier to cross it again and he did. One hit and I was out of there. I didn't go back, there was no talking to reconcile. My attitude is work your problems out and get on with your life and I will get on with mine. Second time It was one hit and I was gone because the circumstances were different. The personality of the second guy was different. I knew he had it in him to hit me if things got bad. I don't know if he knew that about himself he probably did. One big argument one hit and I left. I go, I dont' look back. The second one taught me a lesson to not even go there when entertaining the thought of dating. Don't date a guy with that kind of temperment. So I didn't date for a very long time. Now I have been married for 12 wonderful years to a wonderful kind and loving man!
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
24 May 07
wonderful!!! i hope you continue to enjoy your marriage and keep it going strong.You go girl!!
1 person likes this
@KaseyLah (142)
• Canada
24 May 07
Wow, tell her to leave him, She isnt worth him if he's going to have to beat her down with both physical and verbal abuse. It isn't right. You should help her, if you haven't? And no, I could not stay in a abusive relationship. One of my old boyfriends wanted to kiss and etc, all the damn time. It was sort of abusive cause he held me down and crap but i broke it off before it got worse?
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
24 May 07
yes good thing you recognized the signs.YOU GO GIRL!!!
1 person likes this
@KaseyLah (142)
• Canada
24 May 07
Haha, mylot is confusing o.O
2 people like this
• United States
23 May 07
Well, i honestly believe that people that do stay in abusive relationships have a lack of respect for themselves. Its not the abuse that keeps them there its the way he acts after he hits her that keeps her there, he's the sweetest thing in the world when they make-up, she might even keep an attitude with him just so he can continue kissing her a#*, she needs that type of love, and its pretty sad that she feels like thats what she deserves, there rarely is help for woman inthat situation, its sad to say there has to be a real eye-opening situation to take place and then she will wake up and snap out of it.
2 people like this
@liranlgo (5748)
• Israel
23 May 07
I would never stay in an abusive relationship, but then again i am not in that kind of a relationship, and it is very easy to say alote of things, and advice alote of things, which are probably right, but for the person that is being abused it is not so easy. Maybe she loves him, and thinks that this is a stage in the relationship that will be soon over. Maybe she is too scared to leave? Maybe her self esteem is so low, that she does not think that she deserves any better, and this is the best that she can find? I think that it is a very hard situation. The first thing that you should do is listen to her. After doing that a few times, maybe it would be easier to convince her to leave him.
@swtnss (264)
• United States
23 May 07
her friend has very low self-esteem because when you get verbally abused you tend to believe what the person is saying is true and thats probably where she is at.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
Trust me my friend has been listening to her and has gave her ways of preparing to leave the situation.
1 person likes this
@teison2 (5923)
• Norway
23 May 07
I agree with you - I would not stay in an abusive relationship. I would go after the first insident. I hope. I think it is very hard to be absolutely certain of what one would do before one is in the situation oneself. And I hope neither of us ever get to experience it. I have been working with several women that are in abusive relationships. I think the reason several of them stayed for a log time is that if often starts with small things - emotional abuse. If it starts gradually i think many of them gets broken down bit by bit before the fist physical abuse insisdent. maybe they are no longer strong enough to deal with it. I think this is very scary. More women should learn more about it in order to be able to recognice the first small signs that there is something wrong with their relationship. I have seen the strongest brightes women become beaten down, and loose themselves due to abuse from their men. many of them swore they would never stay in a relationship like that, but somehow they did anyways. I hope your friends friend gets help - I think someone else has to reposrt it to thye police. She might never get the strength to do anything about it herself.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
yea my friend wants to call the police, but she is afraid her friend will be angry with her.I believe if my friend calls the police then her friend might be angry in the beginning but later thank her.So i feel she should call if its that serious call from a payphone and dont give her name.
2 people like this
@teison2 (5923)
• Norway
23 May 07
It is very important for abused women to have support from their friends. However, sometimes the situation becomes so bad that it might be more important to save a friends life than to save a friendship. It must be extremely hard for your friend to decide what to do. I do believe she has to follow her guts on this. If it is really bad she should get help for her friend. Even if the woman gets mad at her now, I think she will be glad she got help later.
1 person likes this
@sjohnson628 (3197)
• United States
23 May 07
I hope your relationship tens to someone and gets out of that relationship before it is too late. I don't know why some people stay maybe they are in so much fear by what the abuser is threatening them with if they do leave. I was in a bad relationship once and my ex threatened to burn my parents house down with them in it If I left him. I got out of that one real quick. It could be that he is making some serious threats. I don't know. I would try to convince her to get out.
2 people like this
• United States
23 May 07
I don't know what happened here I didn't preview it before posting...LOl sorry what I meant to say (in the first sentence was) I hope your friend listens to someone and gets out of that relationship.......
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
Oh see that was a sign right there and I'm glad you did leave him.Saying things such as that would RING the ALARM in my head as well.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 May 07
I think with this situation it is easier to say than to do. It's not that they don't want to leave. But If they have been in this relationship for a while, majority of the time it is a mind game. Therefore mentally she is afraid of what he can do, especially if he is also psyical with it. He has shown her what he will do and probably has made lots of threats too. Yea you can go to the police, but they cannot protect yoiu 24/7. Shelters are okay to go to but for some it's the point of actually going to one. Or maybe this person is so cruel he has threaten to hurt those she know. I also know some one who was in this situation, this person even ended up marry him. the only thing is that he end up cheating, got into with someone hurt them bad and no has went to jail. She is released form those worries and hopefully will move on and better her life. GET her confidence back. I think that's a great start. But all we can do is support them, encourage them, and do what's right in the end.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
23 May 07
I would have thought well if he is doing this to me now then this is what he will do if I marry him,but its good he is in jail and lets hope he wont come after her when he gets out.
1 person likes this
@swtnss (264)
• United States
23 May 07
If your married it would be alot worse because then it would be alot harder to leave a marriage. Then the husband would say stuff like you will never leave me or never divorce me, or if you divorce me ill kill you. stuff like that and that is scary.
2 people like this
@sarah22 (3980)
• United States
24 May 07
Never, i would get out as soon as its starts,as if you dont it will never stop
2 people like this
@disvachic (10120)
• United States
13 Jun 07
yea i feel the same way..