Do you treat your kids equally?

@Neriz69 (1043)
Philippines
May 24, 2007 11:54pm CST
I have four kids and I love them all. but I don't think I can treat them equally. What I mean is that although they all came from me and have 100% of my genes in all four of them, I still have to consider the fact that they are four different individuals and that they should be treated uniquely. I based it on their personalities and capabilities. With my eldest I talk to her in a straightforward manner and she reason out her side. With my second child I can't because she's very shy and withdrawn, she's so sensitive that when you correct her she cries her self to sleep and does not even justify her self. How about you mommies out there, how do you treat your kids. I would really appreciate your opinion on this matter.
6 people like this
15 responses
@tess1960 (2386)
• United States
25 May 07
To treat your children equally usually means to treat them fairly, all being given pretty much the same rules and the same amount of attention, gifts, etc. What you seem to be describing is communication. you are correct in that the way you communicate with one child may not work with another. It is good that you recognize each child is an individual. I can't stand to hear a parent say "Your briother can do it so why can't you?" or "Why an;t you be more like your sister?". Each needs your full love and affection and discipline equally without you showing favoritism (sp) toeards the other. owever, I have yet to see a family were one child is obviously favored over the othrs and if an outsider can feel and see it how must the child/children feel. I have tried to treat my kids fairly but must admit with 6 years between them and my youngest being my last also it was hard not to show more affection for one ver the other. Again they were uniqely individual and one stuck by me through thick and thin while the other was always running away. It was good that once the oldest was an adult and a mommy herself we were able to talk about this and shared that she knew I love them both and that sometimes in life things just happen!
@Neriz69 (1043)
• Philippines
25 May 07
Yeah you are right, treat them fairly, but communicate with them differently. The way you relay your message to them, that's how it differs.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 May 07
Yes, I do treat them equally, but I don't treat them all the same. They are all different, they have different needs and wants. Each of them responds to me in a unique way. Often people think it is only when you treat them all exactly alike are you fair. My own mother was like that---------she bought all three of us girls exactly the same thing for christmas or birthdays. Sad to say---but all of what she bought us was what our older sister wanted, it had nothing to do with the interests of my younger sister or I-------this has caused many hurt feelings over the years. My own children and I joke about this, and now they ask me which is my favorite grandchild and I always say the one sitting on my lap at the moment. Have to quit saying that now though, those grandkids are all bigger than me now.
1 person likes this
@shy611 (53)
• Philippines
25 May 07
that was sad, but maybe your mom didnt know that it was just your older sis that like it...its a good thing it was over now...hope you didnt took it against your mom or your older sis. God bless!
1 person likes this
@flpoolbum (2972)
• United States
25 May 07
Sad to say, but my step son's ex-girlfriend, Shelly, (the Mother of his two children) favors the first born so much more than the others. The first two of four aren't my stepson's children, the second two are. The oldest, Tristan, gets $200 birthday presents and parties with family and friends. The other three get dollar store presents and a cake, if they are lucky. Shelly's mother is so obvious in favoring Tristan that when he was only three years old, Jarrod the third son, "corrected" my wife when she called Shelly's mother "your other grandma , saying that she was Tristan's grandma! Sooooooooo sad but all to true.
1 person likes this
@flpoolbum (2972)
• United States
25 May 07
I am neither a Mommy or Daddy. Fifteen years ago, I became an adopted grandpa to my girlfriend's 3 year old granddaughter Heather and 1 year old grandson, Josh. As I got to know them better, I noticed that my girlfriend/fiancee favored the granddaughter(she didn't mean to), but Heather was her first grandchild and Scherry spent a lot of time with her one on one during Heather's first year. Even though I loved both grandchildren dearly (they were flower girl and ring bearer at our wedding) I favored Josh more to balance things out. I hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@toe_ster (771)
• United States
26 May 07
I have 3 children and although I love them all I do love each one in a different way. It does depend on their personalities and their demeanor. My oldest son was an easy pregnancy, delivery, and infant. I did not know what it was like to be a mother until my second child came. I was sick for the whole thing. I had nothing but struggles with him. My oldest understands more and listens more. Communication is easy. My second child... we never see eye to eye. Its like I am a glorified babysitter for him sometimes. My third one I raised by myself without any help from my family like I had witht he other two. So there is a bond there that is not like the other two. I love them all, I don't have favorites, and I think inconciously I might treat them all different. It doesn't make me love them any less.
• United States
26 May 07
My mother did her best to treat my brother and I as equals, but it did not work out so well.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 May 07
I love my 2 little girls the same, I treat them equally in the way that if I did something or buy something for one child I will do the same for the other. But as far as talking and correcting. I have a 2 1/2 year old who is very smart, stubborn and bossy she is in timeout like 10 times a day!! I am firm with her and she does fine with it. My 14 month old is a bit slow on speech and development, I cant correct her because she doesn't understand yet. I am trying to get my 2 year old to realize this. I guess with each child you have to talk to differently.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 May 07
I only have the one kid, but that is a concern for me too. I have wondered if i would or could be impartial to each child and treat them equally if and when the next one comes along. I try to use any trick possible to communicate with the one child that i do have; logic, reason, emotion,etc. Some days one thing works and other days, nothing works. Just depending on how tired she is. Some kids are just really sensitive. My daughter often cries or gets bummed out when i have to tell her she's done something wrong. But, only cause she doesn't want to disappoint me. But, it's all how i approach it. My best approach is to get down on her level, literally. And, then talk to her in a soft non-threatening, manner. i'll smile and say something like, "Hey buddy. Did you mean to do that?" And, she'll say, "No" And, i say. Well, we'll try not to do that again. I've seen parents chase their kids down, tower over them and yell accusations until the kid is screaming. Now that's excessive. But, my point is that sometimes it's all in how you approach things. When it comes to dealing with more than one child, you may have to adopt a different way of dealing with each one. You can't make the child conform to you. That will just cause tantrums, and stubborness on their part. Hope that helps.
1 person likes this
@miamilady (4916)
• United States
25 May 07
Great question. My answer is yes and no. I believe I treat them equally in that I give them both an equal amount of love and caring. I treat them differently because they each have different needs, temperments and abilities. I think it is impossible to treat different children in exactly the same way. They eache are capable of different things and they each have different needs.
1 person likes this
@rowantree (1190)
• United States
25 May 07
WOW. You have a great point. Each child is an individual and should be treated uniquely. Yes, you are so right. I have an 11 yr old daughter and a 6 yr old son. I don't give one more than the other and I try to spend an equal amount of time with both of them. I love both of them equally with every bit of my being. But the way I relate to each one is different because they're different.
1 person likes this
@mkup30 (494)
• United States
25 May 07
What you are referring to is not treating your kids unfairly but communicating differently with each one - which I totally agree with. each kid is different and needs to be treated differently. but all need to be treated fairly at the same time, same gifts, opportunities, same love from you. From what you wrote here doesnt sound like you need anyone's opinion on this, sounds like you are doing a great job and you seem like a good mom, keep it up!
1 person likes this
• China
25 May 07
My child is only 11 months old.However,I want say something here,too.In chinese,KONGZI is the greatest educationist.He has the same oppinion as yours.but it is difficult do that well.
1 person likes this
@maiax2k6 (535)
• Philippines
25 May 07
it's amazing how your children can be very different from one another. it takes a long time to study them and what approaches to apply to be able to get through them. i've got 3 to single-handedly manage, all teens, and yes, in the most difficult periods of their individual lives. i talk straightforwardly to them, and it helps if you've got tons of good humor and patience. Fortunately, we have the same things to laugh about, and we laugh together a lot - whether it be one's misfortunes, mistakes or glitches. i do not pretend to be perfect, so i express my difficulties-financial or some concerns that they easily understand - and they do, sumpathatize with me and my efforts bringing them up. I treat them as my kids, but i'm not much of a scolder - i talk, casually on their level. I tried being 'friendsters' with them, but they do not appreciate it that much, so I give them leeway, to be with their friends and interests, as long as they do not go overboard. I tell them, that they cannot have too much caprice, only the basics, because we just don't have the extra budget. so they stay on the line. I think that the children should be made to understand what your capabilities and capacities are so that they will be guided on their responsibilities, limitations and boundaries.
1 person likes this
@emarie (5447)
• United States
25 May 07
i must admit it, although i love both my boys equally, i do tend to favor one sometimes, and thats sometimes. i guess i'm prone to the baby at the time. my youngest does know how to work me and he gives me this puppy eyes...oh...my heart melts. the difficult thing is....HE GETS IT FROM ME...i did the EXACT same thing to my parents and family when i was younger and i'm getting pay back. its not like my oldest doesn't know how to charm his mommy he just does it in other ways.i guess since he's the oldest i expect more out of him sometimes and if he doesn't behaive i get more upset with him
1 person likes this
@shy611 (53)
• Philippines
25 May 07
hi, neriz69, yes, i do treat my children equally, meaning i give them equal rules in the house same amount of love and attention but different ways of showin them bec. my eldest is 11 and my youngest is 3, so i think you are treating them equally and like most of us, showing them in different ways depending on their personalities.
1 person likes this
@maiax2k6 (535)
• Philippines
26 Jun 07
thank you for the best response check. appreciate it much