Dos and Don'ts when reaching out to one who has just experienced a loss.

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These are for the helpers who are trying to help others cope with a loss. Do be genuinely caring. Let is show through your tone, body, language, voice, the words you say, or just by being present and being a good listening ear and a caring heart. Do not let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to others, and then wonder what you can do, being present both spiritually, emotionally, and physically, alone.. Just your presences and support even if you speak a little and listen alot, many small actions can go a very long way. Do be available to listen and try to help in any need way that you can at the time.. .. running an errand making a phone call, being company, and going with the griever where he or she needs to go, but becareful to make sure that you do not do the activities with the griever that they want to do alone.. or on their own... as feeling helpless adds to the depression. Don't avoid the griever because you are uncomfortable. We may not always know what to say, but being present is very important during this time. It is lonely to experience a loss of a loved one or a friend when everyone seems to be avoiding your pain. Also do not avoid communication or speaking of the loved one or loss (unless asked to) as the person is already sad, and crying is cleansing and help aiding in healing, and opening the door to allow the emotions to be released so that healing can enter in. Do express your concerns about what happened and acknowledge the greivers pain, recognizing the hurt can be very comforting. Don't give the griever a time line about their grieving period. This will make a person feel worse, Remember the period is significant to the loss of the griever.. You can not rank the loss to a time. Do remember the children involved. Many adults get caught up in their own grief and often forget about the children, who are also hurting and grieving, children are not only hurting but also need attention and even confused. Some children do not understand the loss, others do. It is hard for them to understand the loss and healing period. Don't tell the person how they should feel or what they should do. Communicate with acceptance, and remember to give the griever the space they need. Do reassure the greiver he or she is not responsible for the loss, even if some of the responsibility is theirs... remind em they did the best that they could at that moment. Don't try to force positive or moral lesson on the griever, and do not force them to count their blessings, or tell them they can "Get another one".. or "have more of them" Moralizing breaks communication and produces feelings of guilt. Do encourage the griever the griever to express their feelings, in their own way, when they need to, or want to. A good cry while you stand by a person can be extremely soothing and healing, sharing a good cry can be more soothing that tears alone. Holding a person hand, or holding them in a hug, or lending and shoulder as they cry is also extremely healing for many people. Don't mention in any way that the griever might be negligent of the care of other people. (doctors,hospitals,teachers,nurses,friends.) might have been misdirected. Even though this maybe true, this is not the time for the hurting person to have to deal with these thoughts. Do encourage survival skills, and reinforce the use of activies that provide the person the greatest comfort. Don't say this is G-d's will. You maybe tampering with a person's faith in G-d, which can sustain. Do tune into feelings/ "You nyst fubd tgus very painful, frustrating, upsetting, embarassing, tought difficult.. (one responce..) .. Don't say you know how he or she feels. (Unless they understand empathy, and have this gift themselves.) It is difficult to know how another person feels even when you have had a similar loss. It is innappropriate to compare losses... But it can be comforting to the person to know that you have had a similar experience. "I love you and I care, I can not describe what you maybe feeling right now as I really do not know, but please know.. that I do really care, and I am here to do my best." is a line I use often.. Do acknowledge the person's immediate need. Ex. "You are having a difficult time right now" "You are hurting where you are now" "It's tought isn't it" "Could we get together... and talk?" I do not know the original source for the lessons here, but I had put most of my notes which I wrote in my own words, here I hope this helps the helpers - DNatureofDTrain