Giving advise to a (almost) new mommy

@nica269 (1399)
United States
May 30, 2007 12:09am CST
I have a friend that had her baby about two weeks ago. It's not her first one, but the other kids were taken away because of some personal choices she's made. Anyhow, my question is, should I give her advise or 'tell her' what to do with her baby? She is a little slow, but capable of taking care of her baby. But there are just little things that she does or doesn't do that are best for a new born than others. For example, she gives her 2oz of formula after she has bfed her and he baby spits up - 90% of the time spiting up after eating is because of over eating. Swaddling helps children sleep and feel comforted - should I tell her? Another one that just drives me nuts is the car seat straps. She doesn't tighten the straps of the car seat enough and i told her today that in case of an accident, the baby can be really hurt and she said, 'oh, it's okay' and kind of brushed it off. I don't want to be a 'know it all' type of friend, but I want to help her with a crying baby, or a baby that spits up. What do you think?
4 people like this
14 responses
• Canada
30 May 07
I would definately keep giving her advice even subtle hints work well if they are given enough. New moms always need some advice. Alot of women have their children so far apart that they forget things and in this case she has not raised the other 2 so she does need the help even if she doesn't think so. If you worried about what she might say if you tightened the straps I myself would do it when she wasn't looking. She needs to think more about the baby I think. As for the formula I would just suggest to her to give the baby a little less and explain it may stop her baby from spitting up. All you can do is try and the more she hears it the better the chance it will start to sink in even if she doesn't realize it. Good Luck
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
30 May 07
Thanks for your advice and I do hope it does sink in.
1 person likes this
• Canada
30 May 07
Your very welcome sweet pea
@mememama (3077)
• United States
30 May 07
Sounds like she needs the advice because it's harming her babies health. Just mention casually when you see her son spitting up, that maybe he's already full before he got the bottle. Or tell her some statistics on carseat safety or take her to a fire station where they can help her (they know everything about carseats). It's a hard balance between being a know it all and being a good friend! I've been through that many times, but after awhile if you do it nicely she might come to you for more advice.
1 person likes this
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
30 May 07
Thanks for great ways to be a good friend to her.
1 person likes this
@toe_ster (771)
• United States
30 May 07
Beinf her firend gives you that right to give 'friendly' advicwe its what friends do. Especially if you have experience yourself. She will brush you off because no mother really wants to be told they are doing it right. If you really wan to save the conversation or battles, politely jump in. Like volunteer to give her a break and hold the baby.Then re-wrap her. Say something along the lines like 'my kids always loved it when I did this, they found it comforting and slept better' or it makes me nervous with her seat belt like that, I am just going totighten it a little. If it is always offered in a nice friendly nonjudgemental tone, people usually get receptive to it. My sisters did things like that all the time when I had my first child. I never liked hearing I was doing it wrong. So they would do it their way. When things worked i kept up with it. When I really didn't agree i did my own things. Anyway.She is lucky to have friend like you willing to help. You know her better than we all do. Use your best judgement. It will sink in eventually.
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
30 May 07
Those are great suggestions, thanks so much for sharing them with me. I do only want the best for her and he baby. I'll be mindful of not coming off as judgmental, but as a friend.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 May 07
Just keep on telling her because sooner or later, what you tell her will sink in. If you see her constantly and the baby, just try to observe if the baby is allright, not hungry all the time or it is gaining weight and not getting sick. Coz if the baby will get sick and the doctor will notice that it is because it is not feeding properly then your friend might loose the baby again. Hopefully she will take your advice by heart.
1 person likes this
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
30 May 07
I hope that she does take my advice and doesn't get upset because i'm giving it to her. The baby seems to be okay, I gave her a ride to the dr's office and she's gaining weight okay and growing fine.
1 person likes this
@azimsay (545)
• India
30 May 07
I am telling one thing allstep mother is not cruel.She will be your friend.When our behavier is not good she willalso not good for us.Think good will be good.
1 person likes this
• China
30 May 07
A mother who has more babys has to take more times to her babys, and need more money to be used.You should buy more milk than other mothers.You should buy a baby bed helps children sleep and feel comforted.Some toys can make babys happy when they are crying.
1 person likes this
@devilsangel (1817)
• United States
31 May 07
I don't think there is anything wrong with giving your friend advice. Just make sure that you don't over do it and come off as being overbearing. Sometimes you have to back off even when you know you are doing the right thing. If its something that will harm the child then sure let her know that there is a different way to do something, but make sure when you do you're not comming off as a know it all or trying to tell her how to be a mom. Having a baby is tough work and its always nice to get imput from those that have been there before. Just keep being a friend to her and keep trying to help. Evenutally she'll thank you :)
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
1 Jun 07
The last thing I want is to tell her how to be a mom, because i have that with my MIL and it sucks! But i do take advice from her, my mom, sister and friends who have gone thru motherhood before I have and know some tricks. The only major thing that worries me is the car seat issue, and next time i'll see her i'll mention it again...if it's not tight enough.
1 person likes this
@ozangel82 (754)
• Australia
31 May 07
I think that you dont want to give advice so strongly that she does feel like you are telling her what to do, i guess you could try making small suggestions or when you see she is frustrated because the baby is spitting up tell her she might want to not give the baby the extra formula and see if it helps...
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
1 Jun 07
I don't think i've told her 'what to do', but just suggested some tips, but I'll definetly be more aware of how I deliver what I say.
• Philippines
31 May 07
Giving advise is good,only if the person is willing to take your advise,but if she doesnt.then why waste your time.Its enough that your given her some piece of advise and tips,but if she refuse to accept and learned from it so be it.let her find her own mistake she might get it in a wrong way or misunderstood it.But its good only if she is willing to heed some advise from you.yes,its true if babies are overfeed they usually vomit because of toomuch intake of food,what should the mother do is that she has to let the baby burp to make the baby feel relax and in that case the baby will also feel contented of what shes taking. sthe mother have a hard .But giving too much food for the baby until reach the point of making her vomit is not good enough because frequent vomitting will destroy baby's taste bud.
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
1 Jun 07
To tell you the truth I don't know if she's 'getting' the advise. Because she doesn't really respond physically to the comments. I hope that she just knows that I share because I care.
@PatriciaL (2081)
• United States
30 May 07
I think you should really voice your opinion to her more often. Even if it causes her to get angry. If you have to get outside help, then do so. It's important that the baby is well taken care of.
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
1 Jun 07
I hope that 'outside' help is not needed and she listens to advise, whether it be mine or not.
@Cassy1976 (796)
• Australia
30 May 07
If this person has already had other children taken away from her she obviously needs all of the advice that she can get, I would help her out in a subtle way and if she doesnt listen to you in the case of the spitting up do you have a child health nurse (like we do here in Australia) that could come and pay her a visit to help her out a bit? maybe the advice from a professional would help
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
1 Jun 07
Well, I know that a health nurse will be visiting her this coming week, hopefully she'll share the concerns and comments with the nurse as she did with me.
@evelynlyp (788)
• Japan
30 May 07
Well you should tell her. If she seem to can't be bothered about it all then you better stop reminding her of the things you've said. You will just be wasting your energy and she will think you are being a know it all. She will only realise the importance of what you are saying when something bad happens. I don't know how to advise you on what to do to make her see the error of her ways. Sometimes for some people to learn they have to go trough with the consequences themselves.
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
1 Jun 07
I don't want her to 'see the error of her way's, because there's nothing wrong with what she's doing, I just share the information i've learned and am learning while my lo is going thru it. The only real thing that concerns me is the car seat issue.
@wachit14 (3600)
• United States
30 May 07
I recognize your good intent, but unsolicited advice is not appropriate at any time. It may ruin your friendship with her as she may begin to resent you for offering up advice she never asked for. Instead, just be supportive to her and if she ever does ask for your advice remember to give it from your own experience so that she can relate more to you as a friend and not as an authority.
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
1 Jun 07
The last thing I want is for her to see me as an authority figure, she has her mom for that. I don't tell her what to do, I just give her the information i've received from dr's and nurses and LC's. The only thing that really concerns me is the car seat issue.
@onabreak2 (1161)
• United States
30 May 07
If she asks you for advice then of course give it to her. But if she seems to not be receptive of it dont. It wont do any good anyway if she doesnt want your advice it will just fall on deaf ears.
@nica269 (1399)
• United States
1 Jun 07
It's true that it will fall on deaf ears, but should I just let her drive around with a child seat that's not buckled correctly because I don't want to be overbearing?