Aren't His Actions Enough?

The Seeds of Love - We, as parents, begin our children's lives with the seeds of love...we nuture them and watch them grow....we are there to offer encouragement and support.... The seeds of love are continually growing and changing...or so it seems to me.
United States
May 31, 2007 11:43pm CST
When a child is small you tell them that you love them....as they grow they know that this is true by the actions that you display.....many parents are able to speak these words throughout their life times...while others find it more difficult to actually say that they love you....but their actions of being there for you never waivers... My husband is a very private person....he is a Disabled Vietnam Veteran and lives in constant pain...even with the numerous medications that he takes daily...he hurts.... having been in the Marine Corp and the Army...then in the Reserves as a Drill Sargent...he is a wonderful husband and a great father....however, he is not an overly emotional person....by that I mean he does all of the right things...but saying "I love you" or hugging our grown children is a difficult thing for him.... He has always been there to support our children in any way that he is needed....with the possible exception of this...recently our only daughter has had to move back home with her 2 children...she was in an abusive relationship and I went and got them....she is experiencing some major issues at this time and needs the reaffirmation that her father loves her....he does not seem to recognize this need of hers....so I ask aren't his actions enough??? She knows that he loves her...all of the kids do....but she needs more from him right now....I do not know what to do to help this situation.....I am a very open and talkative person...and a habitual peacekeeper in my family....I see the pain here and do not know what to do.... Any advice would be greatly appreciated....
7 people like this
8 responses
66jerseygirl
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
1 Jun 07
Hi,tina. I hate to see you in such a situation.I know it must be hard for you.In this case,actions aren't enough.My dad was never demonstrative either. He has never told me that he loves me and rarely hugs me.Not only does it hurt but it did a lotof emotional damage to me too so I know what your daugher is going through.It is very painful to be in a lot of pain and not be able to turn to a parent(s).I would sit down with hubby and try to explain it to him.Hope everything turns out okay
2 people like this
66jerseygirl
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
2 Jun 07
You don't have to ask me to pray for you ,I already have.I know it's hard for someone who's not used to showing emotion,to start.I hope everything turns our alright.
2 people like this
tinamwhite
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
1 Jun 07
Jersey, I am sorry that you and your father have a similar realtionship.....it is difficult....it is so weird because I can talke to any of the kids easily and the same exact words coming from their Dad...will somehow, seem different to them...... I know that emotions are difficult for him to express for him....but she really needs this from him right now...it breaks my heart to watch her cry....knowing that a simple hug and "I love you" from her Dad would ease some of her pain....she has been through alot this past year.... I talked to him today about it...she is gone to a friends for a few hours....I am praying that it will work itself out this evening.... It is strange because if I never told her that I loved her again...she would never doubt it..... I always tell my children that I love them..and hug and kiss them each time I see them & when they leave.... The realtionship between a daughter and her father is a very difficult one anyway..then add a personality that finds it difficult to share their feelings and it gets even more difficult.... Keep us in your prayers, my friend....right now, we need it! Thanks again.
2 people like this
stacyv81
@stacyv81 (5903)
• United States
5 Jun 07
well, sometimes those three little words can be the most powerful words anyone can hear from another person. Since he doesnt say it that often, it would probably mean more for her to hear it. I know it is hard for some people my step dad was the same way. But I think that actions can tell you how someone feels, but it is nice to hear everyonce in a while,.
2 people like this
tinamwhite
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
6 Jun 07
They seem togetting along really well....laughing and talking about all sorts of things...she has started her new job and seems to really like it....she has been approvedd for an apartment here in town that is income based....and should be able to move down there (about 6 miles from me) within the next week or so..... I do not think that he ever actually said "I love you"....but the tension between them is gone...she is feeling better I think...he seems to be talking with her at east about any subject that comes up.... She appears to feel more at ease.... Thank you, Stacy....I appreceiate your response..
1 person likes this
sunshinelady
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
6 Jun 07
I thought about this and I came up with something that might be a possible solution. I don't know but thought it could work. Have your husband make a video of himself and tell her on this how much he loves and treasures her. That he loves her very much. Also explain that he has a hard time saying things to her personally. After he makes the video ask the daughter to come and watch it with her dad. Only her dad. Have something planned so the two of them can watch the video together. No interruptions while they are watching it. Your daughter needs the words I love you, yes. But if your husband makes this video she can watch it when she is down even when he is not around in the area. It seems to me this would work. My dad was a person who could not express his emotions to us kids and if I had had a video of him telling me about how he felt about me it would have helped tremendously.
1 person likes this
sunshinelady
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
6 Jun 07
Also you have a very handsome family.
1 person likes this
tinamwhite
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
7 Jun 07
Yes, Sunshinelady, After thinking about what you said....I have dug out my camcorder and have the battery charging.....I will get him on video and hopefully he will become comfortable to make the one that I have requested of him....I told him what a special keepsake this would be to me and to the kids.... I think he actually felt flattered.... Thanks so much for suggesting this to me....I am sure that I would not have ever thought of it by myself....You are a God Send, my friend..... I am so sorry to hear about your father....I am sure that he is looking down at you with pride....thanks again... Tina
1 person likes this
tinamwhite
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
6 Jun 07
Our four children - This photo is of our four children...it was taken about 2-2 1/2 yrs ago....but it shows all of them together...I think that easch one of them could benefit greatly from a video from their Dad telling in his words the pride, love and joy he feels for his children....
Sunshinelady.....What a wonderful ideaa....While I do not believe that they would be able to watch this video together.....with my husband's health problems and the fact that we also have a 5 year old....this video could be a wonderful item fot all of the children to have in the future.... I think that I will discuss it with him....This video could bring years of sunshine to my children for years to come... I would not ever have thought of such a unique idea...and Ican see so amny benefits of this....my husband frequently worries that he will not be here to see our youngest become an adult.....it saddens me so....while I realize that he may be correct...it does not make it easier.. Becca and her Dad are getting along so well now....I have not seen this closeness between them since she was a much younger girl....It makes me so happy...but the benefits of a video still makes so much sense to me....I will work on that..... Thanks so very much for taking the time to think of this wonderful permanent record of his true emotions.....
1 person likes this
awonderfullife
@awonderfullife (2893)
• United States
3 Jun 07
Hi Tina, I wonder what would happen if she said "I love you Dad" to him first. Some people have a very difficult time articulating those words, and it's like a weight lifted off of their shoulders when the other person says it first. It's funny how important those 3 little words are to people. I must say, my dad never says it either but for some reason it doesn't bother me. He's been a good dad, been there for me when I needed him and I know he loves us all and that's enough for me. I hope your daughter finds what she needs from her dad- Keep us posted, this is an interesting topic!
2 people like this
tinamwhite
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
3 Jun 07
They really are both so funny...since I talked to him the other day...I think that they have talked about everything BUT that subject....I want to just knock their heads together...LOL I do see some of the tension leaving their relationship...as a child becomes a parent...the grandchildren seem to take the majority of the attention away from that parent...in a way...do you know what I mean?? Not really in a bad way, but some much of the conversations then involve more and more of the grandchild's accomplshments.. The closeness that a child shares with their parent when they live at home is altered when they move out and become an independent adult....while this is a sign that we have done our parental job...mantaining that closeness much be espcially focused upon if it is to be maintained....in our family that person is me....while Dad, in his way shows his support and directly asked will share all he can...if not specifically asked usally keeps his opinion to humself.. Thanks so much, my friend and have a great weekend.
1 person likes this
MagdalenaM
@MagdalenaM (681)
• United States
1 Jun 07
My dearset friend Tina, I have to say that I understand what you are going through from experience as my partner has multiple health problems (he is an ex police man) and lives with pain on a daily basis. However, the answer to your question is in your question itself - we only go in time of need to those who we know love us for one reason only to get reassurance that we are important and loved. As you point out, your daughter knows her father loves her BUT right now she needs more so, actions at this point are not enough - your daughther needs a hug and to hear the words from her father that everything will be all right and that he loves her and always will... My advice is that you need to probably talk to your husband and let him know what your daughter needs are right now. I hope your daughter feels better soon - my sincere prayers and best wishes are with her. Magdalena
2 people like this
tinamwhite
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
1 Jun 07
Thank you, Magdalena, I have talked to him today..she has gone to visit with one of her friends for a few hours...that gave me the opportunity to have an open and frank discussion with him....she will return this evening..I hope that he steps forward and fulfills her needs and lets her know just how important she is to him... He is a very complex man...while he has no problem telling me how he feels about her....it is more difficult for him to tell her. She thinks in her own mind that her Dad expresses his emotions with the boys better than he does with her...of course, the boys would say the opposite so I am always in the middle...as you know, I talk easily and from the heart freely.....this is something that he has never done well with anyone but me....and in truth, there are times when I have to stop him and say...."Hey, can I have a hug" myself....so I can understand how she feels even though their relationship is so different than the one that he and I share...I hope that made sense!! LOL Thanks so much for sharing with me and of course, you are right; the answer was right there once I read my own words...sometimes that simple thing...writing your thoughts down .....can make all the difference.
1 person likes this
KissThis
@KissThis (3003)
• United States
1 Jun 07
My father was the same way as your husband. He never said the words "I Love You" and he never gave us children a hug. We knew that our father loved us by the things that he did for us. It would have been nice if he could have given us a hug or said those 3 little words to us. But truly actions do speak louder then words. If I were in your situation I would make sure that my daughter understood that her father has a hard time expressing himself in that kind of way. Everyone has their own way to express themselves and its hard for them to change it. I would express my concerns to my husband to see if just this once could he please hug his daughter and tell her how much she means to him. Let him know that you realize this is hard for him but sometimes his daughters needs should come first. I don't know if this will work for you but this is how my mom handled this situation between my father and sister. If you needs someone to bounce ideas off of I am always available.
2 people like this
tinamwhite
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
1 Jun 07
Kiss, Thanks so much...it helps some to know that others have had this type of situation as well....sometimes it is so frustrating....and it IS hard for him....I know it...she and I talked until 4 this morning....she knows that these things are difficult for her father.... She went to visit a friend today for a few hours...I have talked to him and I think he understands.......I hope that this all works out this evening and they are able to communicate, hug and all feel better....I hope!! Thanks so much, my friend.
1 person likes this
Gabs
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
23 Jun 07
No Sweetie I don't think at this it is enough I think he needs to tell your Daughter that he loves her very much even just once That is all she needs or just a hug from him just to let her know that he loves her and is there for her. It has taken my Man 3 years to show me that I am a Person that it is possible to love me, and that is what your Daughter needs Once you are abused it is very hard to believe in yourself and you need just that little touch I do hope that your lovely Husband can try and bring himself to do that but if not I hope he can try and let her know in a way that she understands
mummyofthree
@mummyofthree (2715)
•
7 Jun 07
I hope things have sorted themselves out a bit now. I'm sure your hubby has risen to the challenge and confirmed to your daughter how he feels. I guess she just needs to be "daddys little girl" for a short while. All girls crave that from their fathers when life gets a little tough.
1 person likes this
tinamwhite
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
8 Jun 07
Yup, Mummyofthree, that is exactly what she needed...although he did not do so in the conventional manner...LOL I think that they are doing much better now....she is really relaxing and I can see the pieces of her life beginning to fall back into place.... Thanks for your concern and caring, my friend....