Surrogate mother

@ellie26 (4128)
Malaysia
June 2, 2007 1:28am CST
In modern technologies, there are so many ways for childless couples to have a child. There are adoption, test tube babies and also surrogate mothers. What do you think about surrogate mothers? What do you feel knowing that your baby is growing in another woman's womb and not yours? Will you be able to bond? How about the fathers' feeling about this? Have anyone here gone through this experience or a surrogate mothers? Personally, I like the idea of surrogate mothers because it is the closest anyone can get to have her own baby. You will actually be able to 'experience' your baby growing month to month and witness his/her birth. Amazing, isnt it?
1 person likes this
3 responses
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
2 Jun 07
I personally don't like this idea, ellie26! Following are my reasons: 1. Technically a so called "biological mother" is only a half mother even biologically. Donating an egg only makes a fertilized egg, not a child. Technically a child is only made after 6 months of pregnancy, which comes about by the nutrition provided by the blood of the mother who is carrying the baby inside her womb. I don't think that this biological mother can and will ever develop that strong bond with the child as she would have by not only donating an egg but also by carrying a child. Psychological theory suggests that we love most for whom we sacrifice most. Since she is not going through all those problems of pregnancy and is not sacrificing her comfort, she probably can't love to that extent which a full fledged mother can. 2. Motherhood is a priceless and a dedicated job. A surrogate mother is doing it for money and financial benefit, not for the love of child, in first place. I do believe that intentions do play a role in psychological, moral and ethical development and completion of a child. While all these elements are absent at start, this mother will develop a bond with the child in her womb, even though it's not her own child. For me, she does has her own claim towards the child as she has sacrificed her comfort for this child. Taking the child away from her will make her feel sick. I don't believe that she can emotionally detach herself fully from the child. So there is an ethical and emotional problem for the surrogate mother too. 3. As a father, I'll feel affection for the mother of my child as I do for my own wife. A father will consider her role in bringing about his child, which may create emotional feelings for the surrogate mother in the father. He may also think that she has probably more right to the child than her own legal wife. In the case of father too, I don't believe that he can fully detach himself from the surrogate mother who has provided nutrition to his child through her blood. In turn, these emotional feelings may make him attracted towards the surrogate mother and may create emotional problems between a husband and a wife. 4. I consider it as a new and more sophisticated form of slavery. One may say that a surrogate mother is doing this with her own free will but if you have studied the history of slavery then you must be knowing that many slaves were so mindless in following their masters and accepting their state that not only they themselves served but happily provided their sons to serve their masters for petty benefits. I see it even today in many third world countries. So, to me it is another form of slavery and that too for such a beautiful relationship as mother and child. For all these reasons, I don't think it is morally, ethically, psychologically, emotionally and socially beneficial for anyone. You have every right to disagree with me, though:-)
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
2 Jun 07
Hi kamran, a good response like yours is very much appreciated. Its okay if you dont like the idea of surrogate mothers. You dont have to agree to everything that have been discussed here. You are entitled to your own opinion. But one thing I am not really in agreement with you is that just because the surrogate mother carry the child then it is okay to be attracted to the surrogate mother. This is not right and totally wrong. Try to understand this, when a woman and the couples come to an agreement to carry on with this surrogate method, I think they have already mentally prepared and have made an agreement that the birth mother will give up all her rights to claim her baby and the childless couples will be the sole parents for the baby. In return the couple will pay some amount of money for the birth mother. And also they will only be in contact with the birth mother during the period of her pregnancy up to the delivery of her baby. After that, there will be no more contacts. In fact, this discussion is meant for couples who after years of trying to have a baby but failed due to medical reasons. So, apart from adoption, this is another alternative way, if they choose to take it. The non-biological mother will be the only mother the child will have.
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
2 Jun 07
You probably took it wrong ellie26, I never said that it's okay for the father to be attracted to that woman. I for one believe in extreme form of fidelity. you would probably like to know my views on it here http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1035242.aspx I believe that a husband should not only be physically loyal to his wife but this loyalty should be extended to emotional, mental, and even spiritual level. That was not my point at all. What I was saying is that you can isolate the emotions, there is a possibility for a father to feel emotional attachement to the other mother. you may or may not agree that emotional matters are beyond the reach of law and contracts and mind...:-) emotions are a part of our soul not our physical body. they can't be fully controlled by mind. Do tell me, if you have loved someone, did you do that mindfully or with heart? I believe that love is always through heart, we don't sign a contract for love, or do we? You have a point there about the couples who have lost hope in thier having a child, they can still have a child with other options, involving just them. I just don't se it an emotionally, socially and psychologically a healthy activity. what about the woman who though signed for the money but developed emotions for the child growing in her womb? she is obliged to hand the child back to original parents but is it ethically right to kill her emotions. When i say I am not for this option, I just see these emotional and psychological problems and I am not just talking in theory. I have talked to people who went through all this. I hope my point will be a little clearer to you. If I am still not right, you can correct me and I realy don't have problem if you have a different view than my own:-)
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
3 Jun 07
Hi Kamran, practically, I think there is emotionally connection when the birth mother experienced the pregnancy terms, feeling the baby moves inside her, when she heard her baby first cry and how beautiful her baby is. At that point, I think the mother will have a mixed emotion of regrets and sense of duty to deliver her baby to another parents. She also will feel that there is a sense of emptiness inside her because no longer will she be able to feel the baby movement inside her nor will she ever see the baby that she has nurtured for nine months inside her womb. I dont know whether I get your points right but it is interesting to have a lenghty discussion with you. Thanks for your response.
1 person likes this
@samson1967 (7422)
• India
2 Jun 07
For me Surrogated mothers are like angels( I am afraid to compare them to mother mary, as they deliver without physical contacts. If I was a father of surrogated mothers baby, I would have married her with the consent of my first wife. If I was a surrogated child, I would have loved my surrogated mother more than my fathers wife.
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
2 Jun 07
Hello samson, in a way, surrogate mother is also a mother to the child because she carried the child for nine months, cope with the morning sickness, the changes in her body and the labour pain or after pain if she chose C-section. But when the other receiving mother is also a mother to the same child because she will care for him/her from birth to adult. So both are in a win win situation. So, children from surrogate mother should love their non biological mother and not the surrogate mother. This is because the person who is going to be responsible for their upbringing will be the mother who did not give birth to them.
• India
2 Jun 07
It is very difficult for me to forget my surrogate mother, I agree that biological mother will bring me up, but my surrogate mother will give me the motherly feeling.
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
2 Jun 07
How so, samson? Do you mean that you are in contact with your surrogate mother?
@muscare (3069)
• Australia
2 Jun 07
As a father/husband, I would never have considered a surrogate mother. I feel my wife would not have achieved as close a bond, and on the other hand, you have a different woman having a special bond with a child which isn't even hers. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm against surrogacy, but it isn't and wasn't ever an option for my wife and I. I love the fact that a child produced by the love of my wife and I also had that bond with my wife through the months of pregnancy! As an extra thought, I just wonder whether the surrogate mother ever finds it hard to break that bond after birth?!
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
2 Jun 07
Hi muscare, I understand what you mean. I think a surrogate mother will not have that bonding thing with the baby because some surrogate mother do this as an income. They deliver, the new mother gets her baby and the surrogate mother get paid. Thanks for your response.
@muscare (3069)
• Australia
2 Jun 07
Yes, I understand the surrogate mother is paid quite well, but still find it hard to believe that they can have a life growing in them for 9 months and not feel a strong bond. These surrogate mothers must be able to turn off a certain feeling.
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
2 Jun 07
Yes, it amazes me how a mother (surrogate) can just hand over a baby that she carried for 9 months any feelings at all. I guess this is what we call survival. Thanks.