Is this consider unfaithful?

betrayal? - is this unfaithful or betrayal acts?
@huilee (1010)
Singapore
June 13, 2007 2:24am CST
I have a problem... A very big problem in fact.. I have a bf... We are quite close, very in fact... We seldom have secrets and we are quite frank with each other... But i found that recently... I have been thinking of my ex bfs... I have got 4 failed past relationships and all those times, those guys betrayed me... But i have totally no idea why at times i will tend to think of them and in fact, i do miss them... Im not sure, but perhaps i miss them as friends... Are these acts considered unfaithful? I love my bf... I do noe hes the best and hes the one who cares most for me... All these while, all my exs come and find me as and when they are bored or call me when they have got nothing better to do... They always asks for patch and tells me they miss me and they noe their mistakes... But i noe they are all lying... Deep down i really appreciate my present bf... I hope those thoughts that i harbour arn't any of those unfaithful or betrayal acts...
8 people like this
46 responses
• Philippines
13 Jun 07
i don't consider this to be an unfaithful act on your part. when you think about your ex boyfriends, it doesn't usually mean that you still love them or still harbor feelings for them. as u said, you just miss them, and that's different. i still think of my ex boyfriends too, but not all of them. but sometimes they still pop into my mind, for many reasons. i believe that it isn't unfaithful, not unless if you put these thoughts into actions. like if you suddenly thought of one of your ex boyfriends and do something to get in touch and be with that person romantically, then that's another thing. but just thinking about that person would not in any way be an act of unfaithfulness. so for me, it's just normal. if you love your boyfriend, then stick with him, no need to get bothered by these thoughts....stay inlove girl :)
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
13 Jun 07
thanks alot for ur encouragement... i think im not unfaithful too... thanks to all whom has been encouraging... i guess its jus different point of views from ppl... but i feel gd noeing ppl care... n that i will love my bf... =) i guess exs jus comes back and stay forawhile... but not long, right? =P
• Philippines
13 Jun 07
that's true....they just come and go...but whoever is in your heart now is the one that matters most. take care....
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
14 Jun 07
Yesh, i so so agree... I guess i should cherish my present and let go of the nasty past... =) Thanks for the advice...
@sandeep_t (428)
• India
13 Jun 07
No body knows tha anser except you. May be u liked them better than the present one. May be your presentt relation ship lost the initial excitement or failed to meet your expectations. Generally we try to convince ourselves by giving resons. Don't give reasons or justifications for yourself. Just see the truth unbaisedly. You will know it
2 people like this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
13 Jun 07
I guess yah.. I noe it.. Coz my bf's exs keeps coming into his life.. Tts why i begin to think of my ex... I dun think i did anywrong either... Thanks... =)
@smints8985 (1595)
• United States
13 Jun 07
Nothing is impossible in this world, even forgiveness. That is why if you are still in constant communication with your exes, and they seem to be giving signals that they want to get back together, even if you have been hurt by them during your previous relationship, I believe it will be possible for you to still like them. Constant communication brings you closer to each other, if you do not want them back and you are certain that you are now happy with your current bf and he is the best there is, then why keep your options open to these exes? You are just making yourself prone to getting back with the ex. If you are sure and do not have that intention then you might considering some distance that won't make you fall back in love for them. Because if you don't do so, in no time you will be having thoughts of uncertainty and it might just end up in being unfaithful to your current partner.
2 people like this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
13 Jun 07
Thanks for ur response... I guess i get what u mean... But i dun think i lead them on... As in they noe i wouldnt give them a bloody second chance to hurt me.. But thanks for letting me know, for my bf might think likewise... I will stay a distance from them for certain... =)
@horsesrule (1959)
• United States
13 Jun 07
Thinking about a past boyfriend doesn't make you unfaithful. Of course, if that's ALL you can think about and you no longer think about your current boyfriend, then there might be something to think about, whether you stay with your current bf or not. Because it wouldn't be fair to him if you never thought of him. So, unless you act upon your thoughts of your past boyfriends, you are not unfaithful.
2 people like this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
13 Jun 07
oh no, i definately love my bf and have never thought of breaking up with him... though at times i miss my exs... but i guess its not reli tt kind of miss... perhaps its more like an old friend ya... =)
• United States
13 Jun 07
Is not betrayal to think of someone else and you are use to be treated a certain way, you miss the abuse from your old boyfriends. Look to the future and not the past, I use to think of my old boy frieds. I use to miss them and wonder if they ever missed me. Now I do not care. I am at an age it does not matter. You will soon forget to miss them.
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
13 Jun 07
Well, i guess so too... I mean i miss them... Perhaps coz of memories... But it doesnt really matters whether they do miss me anot? Because even they did, i wouldnt give them a second chance...
@lwethu (242)
• South Africa
13 Jun 07
Forget about your ex bfs and move on with your life, appreciate what you have now other wise you will miss something good.
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
13 Jun 07
Thank u! I will move on well... I dun wanna lose everything good that i have nw.. Im happy with my life... N i wan things to stay tt way... =P
@maryannemax (12170)
• Sweden
13 Jun 07
you are right lwethu. moving on with your present boyfriend is the best thing to do. it might take time for you to forget your exes. but you'll get there through your present boyfriend's help.
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
14 Jun 07
thank you! yuppy.. When i broke off with them, i was heart broken... But now that i have let go, i wun allow myself to think back of those jerks... =P
@mimpi1911 (25475)
• India
14 Jun 07
hi huilee, this is not being unfaithful, not in the least. i feel, that all your past relationships have been severed because of the guys and not you. its them you had broken up. so, deep inside, you still cherish their friendships and the special ways they used to care. every person is special in his own ways. so miss that and may be you really loved them. thinking and contemplating about them does not make you unfaithful, its only humane. sweetie, take this out of your head that you are betaying your love. NO you are not. you love him a lot and nothing can replace them. he has his own ways and he is special. i really appreciate your honesty to see and analyse things so transparently. don't worry, this is just a ohase, which, i am sure you would overcome soon. love and hugs..
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
15 Jun 07
Thank you so much for replying and thank you for understanding... With ur reply, i can know that actually, there are people who understands how i feel and what i meant.. I mean yah, they are my ex bfs.. But to me now, everyone is just friends, nothing more then that... Coz i have my one and only bf, to me, hes definately irreplaceable... At least i think hes still the best for me... He truly cares and concern for me and always wants to give me the best.... As for the ex... I was the one who wanted to break off with them, because they two time me... I dun even think they are worth my effort of being angry with them, or being angry over them... Things has pass for so long, thus i have let go of the past... Thus, i think we can still be friends... I guess i just wanted to reassure that i wasnt doing any act of betrayal and i really didnt want to make my bf in the least uncomfortable... But i understand that people do get jealous, if i were him, i might too.. So now that i understand, i will definately refrain from such acts... =)
@mimpi1911 (25475)
• India
15 Jun 07
yes huilee, this could be jealousy and its normal. but just get the betrayal thing out of your head and concentrate more on how to make the present guy happy and out of the world. i know you are special and he loves you a lot. enjoy the ups and downs of life. this is what makes it more beautiful. good luck!!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Jul 07
i guess its not unfaithfulness in my opinion... sometimes i do think of my ex's too.. there are things that we found in them that we can never find in the preson we actually with right now. we're keeping memories. especially the good ones no matter how horrible our past relationship was. its the good times that counts. but we need to move on with our lives. and thank the person who has found us right? so stop being to wacky about your ex's. they're called ex's bec they are not meant for you. so cheer up and be glad your loving someone and you are loved in return.
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
11 Jul 07
I guess so too... Sometimes, somethings in our exs makes us miss them and i guess sometimes, or rather, many a times... Our current bf or gf might not make up for them... it doesnt means whos better or whos not... Just that... We tend to do comparison... Thats people... human greed... but yah, for me... I jus miss them, n no other meanings... Im glad and happy i met my bf... Im contented with him.. N i guess i nv wan my exs to return as well... =)
8 Jul 07
I tend to find myself doing the exact same thing, I don't think it's unfaithful I think it's nature.
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
10 Jul 07
Well, in some sense, its natural... Coz its all in the past, we used to be so close to the person... But... In another way, u wouldnt think of the person coz u have move on, i think its kinda contradicting... But glad im still in sensible stage... N i wouldnt fall deeper... =)
@tamikotan (483)
• Philippines
25 Jun 07
It's not wrong to think about your ex from time to time. There are times that you tend to compare your past bf from your present. But in terms of missing them, that is kind of weird. If you are friends with them, that makes it ok. But if you still have feelings for them, that's another issue. If your exes were taking you for granted, then I see no point of wasting your time thinking about them.
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
26 Jun 07
Yesh, i agree that sometimes i miss the things they do that my bf does... N i do think of them, but not in the bad sense as in i misses their hugs kisses and such, but just as pretty normal friends ya... So i guess its still not tt weird... Hmm, i am pretty certain that i do not have feelings for them anymore... No way... Yah, i agree with wat u said.. They are jerks.. I wouldnt miss them in tt way... I love my bf...
@bcl_me (583)
• Philippines
15 Jun 07
At least you are not fantisizing them...well i think honey it ok to as many as you like...do not hesitate...just do it...it is your happiness that is involved here here not your current bf...so you have a choice...just keep it a secret though...just look at the picture of you having 10 kids someday with your bf...don't you think that while that has not come yet you should at least be somehow give yourself some freedom...then get a little serious with you bf...after your escapade and always remind yourself that you are very much ready to take his loads. Just a thought though...joke!
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
26 Jun 07
Well, no way am i going to fantasize about them... Yucks, the mention of it makes me puke... Keke... =P Yah, i do noe that i have a choice and i guess im pretty sure that i want my present bf be it now, or the future... I mean, its good that we are open about our feelings.. N its important that he is aware of my feelings... I guess im not at the age of still looking for freedom and stuff... Perhaps i have a little old woman in my young fragile outlook... Keke... But i guess im not ready for playing... I just wanna settle down with my bf... =) Thanks for the advice...
@Sir_bobby88 (8242)
• Singapore
15 Jun 07
Well , if you feel that you are unfaithful , then you are ... no one will be here to say you are unfaithful anyhow yea .... another type of saying is that you are not married , you still have your choice to look for a better man yea ... anyway just heck care your previous ex boyfriend yea
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
15 Jun 07
Yesh, i understand that im not married and should still be open for options... But i guess i wun wanna open up my options for my ex bfs... N i dun think im unfaithful after talking to all the mylotters here... =)
• India
15 Jun 07
i think its alrite...we r all hmans... n at times we do have problems wid r emotions...if da present bf is true...dis phase will pass away soon...
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
15 Jun 07
Yesh, thank u! Im sure it has passed... I mean i noe that hes the one and the only one that i wanna keep... I guess at times we just cant forget memories just like that... Thus its happening to me.. But im pretty okie now...
@mae1216 (658)
• Philippines
15 Jun 07
For me, you are not unfaithful! I also had a boyfriend and I love him so much though sometimes I think of my past relationship it is not because I miss them but I just wanna tell myself how lucky I am to leave them. And, I think in your case, you are just wondering if they are happy or committed like what you are now. Maybe, you just wanna find out if they are suffering now because they have betrayed you. But, seriously, there is no harm of thinking about them as long as your not making any moves to see them or to talk to them for some unnecessary matters. Keep smiling and Be in love!! :-)
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
15 Jun 07
Thank you! Yesh, i am very much in love too.. I guess sometimes i will tend to think how will are they doing, are they happy anot? Im happy, thus i hope people around me can be happy too... They do ask for patch, but theres no way i can go back to that period because i already have my beloved bf... I hope they can be happy and find their true love too... =) Keep smiling too...
@butterfly39 (3907)
• Philippines
14 Jun 07
I don't think so, thinking of your ex's is just normal. Just make sure you don't have the feelings anymore, it's complicated if there is. They are just memories after all. Enjoy being with your boyfriend now and if you love him then make the most of it.
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
14 Jun 07
Thank you! Yesh, i enjoy being with my bf and i enjoy his company... =) For me, im just thinking of my exs as friends and nope, they dun have the power to destory my current relationship now... =P Whatever have been done, is their fault and no point even if they wanna patch... I love my bf way too much to give up him for other pointless stuff...
@pinklilly (3445)
• Australia
14 Jun 07
I have memories of my ex's and think of them time to time and wonder what life may have been like if we never broke up but than I wouldn't be where I am today.... Thinking is not betrayal it was a part of your life lived, maybe there is something you are lacking currently that is bringing you to think of them... As long as you don't act on feelings which may lead to betrayal...
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
14 Jun 07
I do wonder what would have happened too if we hasnt break up and what would our life be... But thought remain as thoughts.. I mean im satisfied with my life now, theres no need for them to interfere or come back into my life again... We are still friends and i think its natural to think of friends... But i swear i wouldnt cross the line... I want my bf to be loved by me... I dun want to do anything wrong to him...
• United States
14 Jun 07
Thinking about someone and missing someone is not a form of betrayal or being unfaithful. As long as it's just confined in your thoughts and you're not acting on it or doing anything that would hurt your present bf, then it should be ok. These ex-bfs were a part of your life at some point so you would understandably still feel a kind of connection, but that should be limited to just a friendship now that you have another bf.
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
14 Jun 07
Thinking about someone and missing someone is not a form of betrayal or being unfaithful, i agree so too... My ex-bfs really were and in fact a part of my life at some point so i wonder would anyone understand that kind of connection. Im not gonna betray my bf for those exs.. Thinking is one thing, in my heart,mind and soul... My bf is the only person i want.. N noone can replace him... =)
@sanell (2114)
• United States
14 Jun 07
no I do not think that you are being unfaithful or betraying your BF, if you were acting on your thoughts of missing your ex's and actually trying to get in touch with them and want to have a night out with them then THAT would be unfaithful but it is not abnormal to miss them. Especially if the breakup was not mutual...meaning that they broke it off with you vs the other way around. I think of my high school sweetheart ALL the time, it sucks, but he is in my mind constantly...It is not always good that he is there, and it is definitely not because i miss him it is just that he was a huge part of my life when we were together. I can not help but to wonder what he is doing, if he has any kids, if he is still married. what he is doing with his life. We saw eachother at our 10 year high school reunion. i always figured that if we did see eachother it would not be a good thing we did nto end things well between us and there was a lot of other things that happened with us that sort of kept us in this strange bond for longer than I think we both wanted it to. Anyway, It is not abnormal to think about yur ex and to miss them . I miss some of my other exs, but not this one.... My husband thinks about his exes as a matter of fact we talk about them quite a bit. It is kind of funny. That is how close me and my husband are we are completely soulmates and I love that we are together. I can not imagine not being with him I can not imagine being with someone else...I use to have nightmares about it.
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
14 Jun 07
Thank you! I do not think that you are being unfaithful or betraying your BF too... Thanks for sharing ur story.. i love to have these guidelines and folow how u did things ur way.. yah, i do think tht my bf think of his exs too.. But we love each other too much, no we are not going to do things behind who ever's bck... =)
@tinamwhite (3255)
• United States
14 Jun 07
As long as you are using these memories as a reminder that these relationships failed because of thier betrayals....and are not thinking of them in a physical manner....you are not seeing them behind your bf's back or lying to him about seeing them...i do not see where you are doing anything wrong....I would not consider that unfaithful or any type of betrayal...
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
14 Jun 07
No, as a matter of fact... I would never lie to him.. To be frank in a relatiionship is the most of all basic thingy that we should stay in... I mean i wouldnt want him lying to me stuff that he did and yet deny too... For that, we trust each other...
@kitkat1 (1227)
• Canada
14 Jun 07
I dont consider your thoughts as a betrayal or unfaihful. In most cases exs do end up being regular friends and there is nothing wrong with that. I am sure that your boyfriend has trust in you i believe you just need to trust yourself sometimes. I believe that where u had that many failed relationships and all being mostly trust issues that you are starting to second guess yourself maybe.
1 person likes this
@huilee (1010)
• Singapore
14 Jun 07
Yesh, i agree witth u... Tt ex can be a good friend... In fact, i used to think that couples who failed can end up being good friends, afterall, they are the ones who noes u pretty well.. Just tt things couldnt work... But i guess to prevent my bf from getting jealous, i should stay away from them too... :D