It's pretty uncomfortable between a rock and a hard place
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
Canada
June 15, 2007 7:48am CST
If you're divorced, do you ever feel really caught between your ex and your kids? I sure do... and it's getting worse all the time, especially as they get older.
I'm remarried to a great guy (for 3 1/2 years already), my girls love their stepdad (and, if you ask them, they draw a very clear line between a 'father' and a 'dad'). Everything's good. I am the full custodial parent of my girls and my ex has visitation but rarely uses it because he moved across the country before our divorce was final. I had it written into our divorce decree, along with the visitation, that he was to call them at least once a week. He sort of did that at first. Now, 5 years post-divorce, he never calls except for Christmas and their birthdays... and those calls are usually a minute or two, rushed, before they leave for school or he leaves for work (there's a several hour time difference between where we all live). They haven't seen him in person in 2 1/2 years.
The girls really don't care if they hear from him or not anymore. He got remarried recently and they couldn't go due to school (he said he would have liked them to attend but never thought about their schedules until after all the wedding plans were set). But, in truth, they both said "Well I hope he doesn't expect us to go" because they didn't even want to. Now, with Father's Day this weekend, they sent a card, of course -- but it's usually a "have a great day" card; no sentiments, no mush.
I'm fine with however they feel, to be honest. If they don't feel close anymore, I think that's normal, given the time and distance and the total lack of contact. I mainly hear from him by email, if there's any need. Yet, somehow I still feel caught in the middle -- as though, if they were to stop sending cards and such, I have this nagging feeling he'd come after me about it and it would somehow be made out to be my fault. I never stopped them from being in contact with him -- in fact, I'm the one that encouraged the sending of gifts (at first -- then I got tired of funding those), cards, mail, etc., and I'm always asking if they want to call him. They say absolutely not... and I'm letting them drive the train, so to speak.
I'm sure there are lots of other people in this same position and I wonder how you feel about it. Do you get uncomfortable too, like I do, or do you find it's all just par for the course?
1 person likes this
2 responses
@rhinoboy (2129)
•
15 Jun 07
I'm afraid i can't really relate to your position, but I know exactly how your daughters feel.
My parents split when i was less than a year old. I've always known my father (we would see him one evening per week and stay over every other Saturday). He has never live more than about 20 miles or so away from us, in fact he used to work less than a mile from our house! What i found strange (more as I got older) was that he never really did anything outside of his usual arranged visits. I felt like he saw us more from duty than because he wanted to. It became even more obvious when my brother started driving. He would go visit dad himself whenever and dad stopped coming to pick me up.
In recent years, I've fallen out a few times and not-seen him for a couple of years at a time. I made the effort to contacct him to tell him he was going to be a grandfather and he seems to be making much more of an effort now.
What i wanted to tell you was that when we were little, my mother would literally force us to go see him on weekends (of course we wanted to stay home and play with our friends or whatever). Her only reason - she says - was so that nobody could ever accuse her of stopping us from seeing him or 'poisoning us' against him.
From the sounds of your post, you're doing everything you can to facilitate contact. if he wants to see his children it's up to him to put in the effort. It sounds like their father has become a very small and mostly insignificant part of their lives, and it's his own doing. Many women wouldn't be so gracious in your position.
2 people like this
@rhinoboy (2129)
•
17 Aug 07
I'm sorry i missed your reply to this, I found it by chance because you gave it best response(thanks, x). I really respect you for being 'the bigger person' and doing the best thing despite your own feelings.
I hope things are going better for you and your kids now.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
15 Jun 07
rhinoboy, my friend, your post has really touched me. Before I comment, please know that I thank you for everything you've said.
I understand fully what you mean about your father seeing you "more from duty than because he wanted to." My ex told me, during our divorce proceedings, that he had things "worse than me" because he had "lost everything." I don't know how much more he thought I could suffer or lose... I gave up so much -- including alimony and my dream house -- because all I wanted were my children. He fought tooth and nail on child support but he does pay it and I'm very appreciative. But contact seemed to be WAY on the back burner. Granted, it's expensive for him to fly them to him or for him to fly back... but I try to remind myself that he made the choice to move so far away. Before he moved, he would only consent to taking them every second weekend and, even then, he kept telling me how he was so busy and it was so hard to have the kids and get things done that he wanted to do. I never quite understood how it all happened because he had been an incredibly devoted and attentive father. I also never told them any of what he had said. What child needs to hear that, right?
Ultimately, if I choose to look from a more selfish perspective, life is actually easier for me this way... I mean, I don't have to endure what I see other families going through. "Kangaroo kids" that are constantly bouncing between houses, parents who argue over every little detail, the power struggles that inevitably arise when both parents want to make decisions... I have none of that. I just want my children to be happy and I pray that they will never look at me at ask why I didn't do more to keep their father in their lives. In this way, I also understand why your mother did what she did. I'm letting them be my guide -- since, as you said, he's become insignificant in so many ways, I'm just backing off right along with them.
I'm glad that becoming a grandfather has been somewhat of a catalyst to contact between you and your dad. I'm sure things can be uneasy -- but grandchildren have such a way of putting everything into a more realistic perspective. Kids teach us, right from the get-go, about what really matters. The key thing is, we have to be willing to listen.
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@sammantha (278)
• United States
15 Jun 07
I have not gone through this myself but I was a child who went thought this with my mom and dad,they just never gotten remarried but I did live with my mom and my dad was to get my sister and myself on the weekends it was okay at first now after time it had gotten hard he would call us and it was around the holidays and on birthdays.He would talk to us for a few and then he would not call for awhile and he lives in the same area. Now that I am married he still only talks for a few.Now we argee alot of times.I hold alot of what happened as a child because it hurt.When I was a child he never said that he loves me and that he wanted nothing to do with my sistyer and myself as a child and thats what hurts most of all.
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
15 Jun 07
It's so sad, sammantha, when there is pain in a relationship between parent and child (at any age). My older daughter asked my ex NOT to move so far away (during our divorce) but he went anyway. Like you, she has retained that and has never forgiven him for hurting her. She was only 9... she believed that, if she asked, he'd listen.
My husband now, his parents divorced when he was around 5, so as a stepdad, he really relates to what the girls go through. I think it helps tremendously because he always reminds me to let them feel what they feel and that, whatever they choose to do, it has to be OK. He says they will find the place in their hearts where they are comfortable with it all. I tend to believe that too.
@sammantha (278)
• United States
16 Jun 07
Yes it is hard. I was about 6 years old when my mom and dad gotten thier divorce. My sister was about 4 years old. My dad used to tell everyone that I was another man's child at first just to hurt me.I still have some pain from this.Yesterday I talked to my dad he just asked me about my kids. I told him that I wanted to talked him and to see how he is doing not only did I lose my sister he lost a daughter too.I feel thats what hurts even that much more. He was nice for awhile and then he went right back into his old ways.
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