Can You Honestly Be Friends With Someone You Have Been Intimate With?

@Rozie37 (15499)
Turkmenistan
June 30, 2007 6:49pm CST
I don't believe that this is possible. I had a relationship with a guy in my apartment building. I see him all the the and he is back with his ex, but he claims that he would like to be friends with me. I told him before we became intimate that I do not sleep with my friends, so he would have to be one or the other. Now that we have broke up, I am trying to get over him and get on with my life, but it has been hard with seeing him all the time and him coming over when he is lonely. In spite of what I said in the beginning, I have tried to be a friend to him, but for me, it is not working out. I know that I made a big mistake with him. I have repented for it. But, I feel like the only way for me to fully heal is if one of us moves out.
8 people like this
18 responses
@speedy1279 (2667)
• United States
30 Jun 07
I can see where you are coming from. As much as I would like to agree that you can't be friends with someone that you have intimate with. I have to disagree somewhat. Now most of my ex's that I have been intimate with I could careless to see again yet alone be friends with. But this is were the disagreement somewhat comes in. My last ex happens to be my son's father. So obiviously we were intimate. Now that we have put the past behind us we are great friends. It doesn't bother me in the least. When we first split it was hard and I didn't want to see him, but we had a son together and that helped us get past it all and become friends for the sake of our son. I wish you the best of luck and hope things get better for you.
4 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
1 Jul 07
I understand where you are coming from. You have a son together, so you have a reason to try to work things out. Where as in my situation there is nothing to tie us together(thank God) so I see no reason for him to continue trying to be my friend. I made a mistake and let my guard down once with him, I will not do that again.
3 people like this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
1 Jul 07
Out of all the relationships I have been in (and there haven't been that many LOL) I think I have remained friends with two of them. I mean we don't keep in contact but if we do bump into each other we do say hi and talk for a while, see how each other is doing and thats about it. As for the others, nada and i think i prefer to keep it that way especially if we didn't end it nicely LOL. Some people can do it though, i have a friend who is still friends with her ex even after he cheated on her. Not sure how she does it but she sure is strong and probably has forgiven him and left it as friends. As for you it must be hard living in the same apartment block. I might be tempted to move LOL but then again why should you? if you both get along like civilised adults then it shouldn't be a problem... unless he becomes more than friends again LOL
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
1 Jul 07
We will never get back together again. He broke up with me to go back with his ex and there is no more trust for me. Maybe he has realized his mistake or something or he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I don't know, but I am not into the games.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
1 Jul 07
Yup sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too! I don't know men sometimes!!
2 people like this
@barehugs (8984)
• Canada
30 Jun 07
Well why bother with the Brackets? Do you like the guy, or do you love him? Its as simple as that! If you like him and you sleep with him, then your a "Loose Lady". If you Love him and sleep with him your his "Lover." So which do you choose?
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
1 Jul 07
I don't want to be with him at all anymore. I try to be nice and not start a big war in my apartment, but I really do not want to be with him or be his friend. I just want to heal, but some how, I keep ending up trying to be friends with him.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Jun 07
You know, I really believe it is based on the maturity of the people involved and the situations that the people went through. One of my best friends is a girl that I dated for a year and we haven't missed a beat as good friends. We were good friends before we dated and got intimate, and we remain great friends to this day. My wife and her have even gotten to be great friends. I think it works both ways, though. My high school girlfriend was a friend after we dated, but she would keep trying to get back together with me and trying to re-kindle a relationship that wasn't really there. So she was not able to get past the intimacy and be friends, something that we did fine prior to dating. It's a matter of maturity. If you can handle it, then it's a piece of cake.
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
1 Jul 07
I have tried the friendship thing and I just feel like I may need more time to heal before I can grow through with trying to be his friend. It is just not the right time for that right now.
1 person likes this
@krrrml44 (23)
• United States
1 Jul 07
It really is difficult to commit into a relationship such as that. Trying to stay friends with someone you've recently had an intimate relationship with is rather impossible if those feelings for him still linger. You do not and should not commit into this type of relationship if you are not comfortable with it. It is best that you do what is possible for you to stay away from him and to focus on you and only you. He should be understanding and respectful to whatever decision you make about your relationship with him if he truly considers you a friend.
2 people like this
@sid556 (30988)
• United States
1 Jul 07
Yes, this is possible. I know for I have done it. We agreed at the beginning to remain monogamous and if either one of us wanted to end it that we'd be honest with each other. Our friendship had been developed before intimacy set in and was important to us both. Unfortunatly, it was him that after 6 years and not one single argument, decided he wanted to date others. I was devastated and hurt. I loved him so much! At first it was impossible to be around him. He understood and backed off for about a year. We had no contact. One day he showed up unexpectedly at my house. I was so glad to see him! We are still best of friends and no longer intimate. He drops by now and then for coffee and never ever forgets a birthday or holiday. He is a wonderful person. Actually, I am friends with most of my exes. The key is to end it before it gets bitter and hurtful.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
1 Jul 07
I could try harder to be his friend if I thought that he wasn't just wanting to use me when his girlfriend is not around. When she is around, he acts like he does not know me.
@sid556 (30988)
• United States
1 Jul 07
aah...the girlfriend....that changes things. He is NOT your friend nor hers. you both deserve better. my friend does not hit on me regardless of whether his girlfriend is around or not. he is faithful to her and he was to me...we really are still good friends.
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5640)
• Canada
1 Jul 07
I think you are right. Though I think some people cam be friends after a relationship it rarely works out. And in this situation it sounds like he is just wanting to keep you as a back burning thing when they have a spat again. Is he there when you need a friend, or does he help you out or is this friendship one sided where when he needs something he comes to you? If he is just a nice guy who is a good friend then maybe try but from the sounds of it I would move on or out. Good Luck!
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
1 Jul 07
That is exactly what it is. A one sided friendship. Whenever he needs me to be a friend, I am there for him. When I need him to be a friend he always has an excuse. I really don't even think he knows what a real friend is.
• India
1 Jul 07
I can understand your situation and know what are you going through..its becomes difficult to forget that guy with whom you are intimate as he stays near by you... Don't force yourselves into freindship with this person when ou can't be freindly...Try to avoid him as much as possible and be busy in your work so that his thoughts doesn't run through your mind...If possible change your location as you mentioned...It works...All the best dear freind..
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
1 Jul 07
Yes, I would really like to move more than anything. I want to get away from the whole environment. He definitely has a different attitude about himself than I do.
@sigma77 (5385)
• United States
4 Jul 07
I think over time that you could be friends with him. But for right now, you do have the problem of trying to forget about him and at the same time running into him so often. Maybe you could tell him that you need time away from him and that includes him visiting you when he is lonely. Make your feelings plain to him. I don't think it would be rude if you ignored him for a while considering the circumstances. I would move away as a last resort.
1 person likes this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
1 Jul 07
I think it's a very individual thing, and it depends very much on the personalities and emotional maturity of the people involved. For most people, it probably wouldn't be possible. I was friends with a woman for almost 10 years... and then we suddenly both ended up being divorced around the same time, and since we'd kinda had a "secret crush" on each other for all that time, we ended up dating and having a relationship... before deciding that we really had better chemistry as friends, than as lovers. So we went back to being friends... and that DID work. We still stay in touch (Thank God for email!) even though we now live over 2000 miles apart. But I think that situation is an exception, rather than the norm.
• United States
1 Jul 07
its possible but that tension is always there some cannot be trusted to not try it again and again i try to keep my relationships with men with no more romps in the hay but sometimes if you are vulnerable and lonely it just happens
@Marie2473 (8517)
• Sweden
1 Jul 07
I belive that u can - or actually I know that u can or atleast I can =) I am friends with a few and it is working good. Ofcourse I have a bf now so there is no chanse that I would ever fall back and sleep with any of them again - but we can be friends =) I am sure that it is harder if you still have feelings for the guy..
1 person likes this
@Titanum (98)
• Australia
1 Jul 07
The thing with becoming friends with someone that you were intimate with is that your other non-intimate friends will never understand what the magnitism is between y ou and your ex/love. I was dating this guy about 2 years ago, and we were fine, we had an arguement, quite big really, i told him what i thought of him and his affection dysfunction, didnt see him for a year and he came back to me and told me that i was right, i had affected him for the enitre year that we didn't see one another. to this day, we share something close, yes, we still act like we are together, infact i feel married to him sometimes minus the bedroom fun, however when we catch up we are snuggle buddies. No intamacy any more, we havent got that attraction, mere friends with snuggle benefits. We still hang out with our friends and stuff, but i believe that you can still be a friend with those that you have been intimate with based on you had a connection when you first met, and that connection will always over power your lighter judgement.
1 person likes this
@dipeshlj (82)
• India
1 Jul 07
i can understand it is very tough to be friend with someone whom you realy love but you can give it a try and see what happens but this will take a time for you to come up from it but still it will get normal with time
1 person likes this
@cripfemme (7710)
• United States
2 Jul 07
Yes, of course, most times unless their weird or something. My exgirlfriend is one of my best friends in the world.
• Egypt
1 Jul 07
you should know new friends to keeping your life
@nangel78 (1458)
• United States
1 Jul 07
I think it varies from person to person to be honest. I sometimes talk to my ex-fiance and he has a kid now. I am glad it did not turn out to be me with the kid and divorced from him. I would not date him again for the life of me nor would I hang out with him, but I am ok with talking to him every now and then.
• United States
1 Jul 07
That would be a "no". I have attempted to be friends with guys that I used to date and it ended badly. They all still wanted a romantic relationship and I kept saying "no".