How far would you go to stop a suicide?

United States
July 7, 2007 10:32am CST
My daughter is the caretaker for her former boyfriend and father of her child. The man is mentally ill and takes several very toxic and addictive medicines daily. He has a lot of physical problems as a result of the meds and his eating/lack of exercise habits -- high blood pressure, high blood sugar, high cholestrol. He has gained about 170 pounds in the last 2 years, more than doubling his size. He has overdosed on his meds several times, mixes alcohol (when he can get it) with his meds, smokes, eats a high fat/high sugar diet -- he salts everything before he even tastes it and adds butter to everything. I mean everything -- a half a cube in his spaghetti, stew, soups -- I swear the other day I saw him eating it by the spoonful right from the container. On Thursday he bought 3 two liter bottles of soda. On Friday it was gone and he was begging my daughter to drive him to the store. When she wouldn't, he set out in 113 degree heat to walk the 2.5 miles to the store to buy more, risking heat stroke. He and my daughter fight everyday. He wants extra meds, he wants sodas, he sleeps all day when he isn't eating or watching TV. It is a constant struggle to hide the salt and butter from him, but he always manages to find them. And don't bother buying ice cream, he eats it all. When he doesn't get his way he nags and nags and nags her. And if she doesn't give in, he becomes verbally abusive, screaming at her and calling her the insulting names he called his ex-wife. All of his behaviors are hurting his health and will probably hasten his death. To me, this is a slow way of committing suicide (which he has threatened often and even attempted three times.) So how far should we go to stop him? Like me, you are probably saying, do whatever it takes. At least that is what I said 4 years ago when we started this descent into madness. Putting him into a hospital or institution is not possible because he has no money and no insurance. His family has disowned him. It all falls on my daughter. She has no life, no future as long as he is around. And it is destroying her and her child. She is ruined financially and would file for bankruptcy if she had the money. She lost her job when she took time off to care for him after his last suicide attempt. That led to losing her apartment and her car and screwing up her credit rating. She can't work because she can't afford day care for him and the child and neither can be left alone. She is stressed to the point where she gets physically sick but there is no insurance or money for her to go to the doctor. Their child is hell on wheels, Mom says no and Dad gives in. She is learning to manipulate people just like her dad does. She doesn't respect her father, she sees him as just a big, dumb playmate that she can bully. And now she is beginning to treat all the adults in her life the same way. Every hour of every day is a struggle with him in the home. My two other children (both grown) resent what he has done to our family. So I wonder, how long should we go on like this? We are fighting a losing battle, why not just give in? Let him eat whatever he wants, let him sit on the sofa watching TV. Let him gain weight, clog his arteries and eat himself into a diabetic coma. We'd all be better off without him in our lives. I know that I would never be able to do that, but sometimes it helps to vent. Thanks for listening.
3 people like this
10 responses
7 Jul 07
Hello. This is a very sad story. My opinion is that this man needs help, profesional help. Your daughter can do much for him in this situation and he is doing everything to prevent her from being happy. The fact that they have a child together is not an excuse for her to miss her life to take care of someone who obviously does not want to live a decent life and wants only to cause pain to him and everyone around. So I think the best way is to put him in a hospital. Maybe the people there, who do not know him and may be objective, can find a way to really help him and get him back on track. I wish you all the best.
2 people like this
• United States
7 Jul 07
Thank you for your comments. He is getting professional help, he is under a psychiatrist's care. He will not be eligible for any kind of insurance (medicare) for another year. Until then, they cannot afford insurance or to pay out of pocket for medical care. We are trapped in a bad situation.
@Snickey (157)
• United States
8 Jul 07
I may have missed something as I am very tired. Does he qualify for social security disability? Or, is he waiting for those benefits to kick in? It seems to me that he has given up on helping himself, and there is truly nothing that your daughter can do for him. It is a sad, sad, sad time in our world when people cannot receive health benefits that are necessary for one's survival! Very sad indeed. If he is taking medication for his mental health issues, it is also likely that the weight gain, and cravings are a direct result of the medication. I take an anti-anxiety medication that has shot my poundage through the roof. LOL! You and your family do not have to tolerate the verbal abuse, and if necessary, call the police. I understand that he is the father of your daughter's child, but it would be the best thing that you could do for him and your daughter/daughter's child. It would seem to me that the police assess whether or not the individual should be taken to jail or a psychiatric ward; irregardless of insurance purposes. At least there, he could get care for the time being. I know that it's a temporary fix, but it may help all in the family in the long run. I wish you and your family well, and I understand that it has to be very difficult for all involved.
• United States
13 Jul 07
He is receiving social security disability benefits, which make him eligible for medicaid in a little over a year from now. The money he receives is not enough to live on (about 800.00 after child support is withheld) but too much for him to be eligible for medicaid and food stamps.
• United States
8 Jul 07
i understand that there is no insurance to cover his expenses. i understand that he will not qualify for MediCare for another year. i understand that you feel trapped in an ugly situation. You ALL Need an out. Even him, to be honest. Perhaps the best thing for him would be to make him a ward of the state. i know it will suck for him, but he obviously doesn't care and has no quality of life as it is. If he is a ward of the state, the government will take over his care. Your daughter will no longer be burdoned with his needs and will be able to go out there and get a job to support her family.
• United States
8 Jul 07
I agree. But we haven't been able to find a way to do this. Every agency we have been to has told us he needs insurance, Medicaid or Medicare. You are probably not old enough to remember this, but in the 80s President Reagan cut the funding for mental health to help balance the budget. Thousands of mentally ill people were put out on the streets. Many of them and many new ones are still on the streets. Just go to the downtown area of any big city and watch the people; it should be easy to see there is a great lack of mental health care in this country. I am not dismissing your comments, I do appreciate your support. If you know of any resources I may have missed, I would love to hear about them.
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
8 Jul 07
I feel for you, my friend...given my recent personal loss I do not feel that I can actually offer any good advice...I know that you will understand....
• United States
8 Jul 07
I understand and appreciate your kindness. I am sorry if my topic added to your grief. I lost my own Mom 5 years ago next month so I understand some of the pain you are feeling. Stay strong, the grief never goes away completely but it does become bearable in time.
@ngobis (237)
• Philippines
8 Jul 07
Im really sorry to hear about your situation.Hope everything will be sorted out. But I need to ask......doesnt the man have a family of his own? From your post, i can assume that he is not married to your daughter, so technically she shouldnt be obligated to take care of him and ruin her own life in the process. His family should bear that responsibility. I do agree with one of the responders here, get your daughter and grandchild to move in with you.Protect your own. Now,if this man doesnt value his life, refuses to take care of himself and continues to take advantage of others, then why bother helping him. As the saying goes "GOD helps those who help themselves".
@LAWise520 (275)
• United States
11 Jul 07
There comes a point where, if you truly love someone, you have to let them go. Drop him like a hot potato. No car, no food. Let him walk to the store. If he's walking 5 miles every day to the store, maybe he'll lose weight. And since he can't carry everything at once, maybe he'll buy less and therefore eat less. Don't pay for tv. Get him out of the house. If he is ruining the lives of your children...it must stop.
@pu0228 (23)
• United States
7 Jul 07
go to see www.meditationthai.org It may be help..
• Philippines
7 Jul 07
dragonstar13 all I can say is keep on doing good deeds and keep on helping him. Do whatever you can to help. I know youre having a hard time helping but do what youre heart is telling you.
@punlonnjack (1308)
• United States
7 Jul 07
i dont know where to begin but ill try...first im mentally ill my husband is physically disabled..im stable on my medication i live a somewhat normal life ive ben working for around 10 years now BUT when i first meet my husband i was very very ill mentally...im stable now but my husabnd takes pain meds he has high blood pressure hes 44 hes diabetic and eat a pint of ice cream a night and only eats once a day and its not much ..hes had double bypass a few years back..he goes on medication binges..hes overdosed twice the hopitals and doctors believe him when he says it was accidental even though i tell them his doing it to hurt himself .They dont treat him for his addiction...i love him with all my heart he helped me when i was down and i feel i need to help him if there is any hope at all....people do change but in your daughters boyfreinds situation he may need a better doctor to get him on the right mental medication and maybe a counceler or some kind of support for is different issues his pain,diet,his mental abilities....i guess i felt i had to tell you my situation first so you would understand me and thanks for listen..i dont have much advise other then you need a support system doctors, family,friends anyone anything that can help you ,your daughter and family deal with all the issues you have.im stuggling myself with my situation but i rely on my faith in god and that he will help me get throught this and he will help my husband.i dont know if your religious or not but god does help.....i have given in alot and you have to be strong and go day by day thats i you can do.god bless
@her0ic (46)
• United States
8 Jul 07
What a sad situation you are in. As much as you would like to help him there isn't much you can do unless he wants the help he needs. We can pray and hope to god everything will change but the fact of the matter it eventually comes down to his will in wanting to change.