i'm really beginning to dislike my grandkids1

@judyt00 (3502)
Canada
July 13, 2007 12:01am CST
I know that they are just acting out because of the break up of their parents, but really, the pair of them are just so bad, I want to beat then half to death. my grandson has become rude and opinionated, and argues with everything he can. he runs half a block ahead when we go anywhere, and refuses to comeback when we call. he sits in front of the tv or computer all day, and then cries when we tell him to go outside and play. the granddaughter is 18 months old and the worst kind. she throws tantrums when she doesn't get exactly what she wants, when she demands it. if you gtry to cuddle her to calm her down, she head butts you, then screams like YOU'VE hurt HER. she won't stay in her stroller, and won't walk, but insists on being carried all the time. I really don't know how to handle them any more, except to spank them,which their mother doesn't want done.
7 people like this
14 responses
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
13 Jul 07
Oh my gosh judy, what a tough situation to be in. I am not sure how I would handle it either. Has anyone sat down with the older child and talked to him about the parents break up? I don't know if he is even old enough to understand or even sure if that is the way to go, like a heart to heart talk. Maybe he does not know how to express himself or he's hurt about it all and it comes out all opinionated and rude?!? The 18 month year old tantrums need to stop or is it because she sees her brother acting out too?!? Maybe time out can be used here if it works for you all. Some boundaries need to be made and set kept consistent. They won't like it and I hope it isn't too late to set them. Sorry I couldn't be of much help.
@judyt00 (3502)
• Canada
13 Jul 07
I think they are misbehaving in response to their father's violent behaviour, or perhaps to the lack of it at my house. I know they are worse after he has visited, or called my daughter and made stupid demands. Still, I just want to slap them really hard at times
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
13 Jul 07
Yup I know what you mean. I have spanked my kid a couple of times and it hasn't hurt him and I know it is not for everyone. Maybe the mom needs to be more active in terms of disciplining her children. That is such a tough situation for you to be in if you cannot discipline the way you want to.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
18 Jul 07
Thank you Judy for best response. I hope you were able to work things out with your grandkids.
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
13 Jul 07
I would explain in language that they can understand that your behavior is nor acceptable. and until you behave we are not going to - go out anywhere, have treats, . They need to know that they must behave in a manner that is acceptable. use NO frequently, and do not give in to them They will soon get the message. as for the tantrums pick her up carefully, and put her in a room and close the door, tell her she is welcome to come out when she behaves properly. You need to have rules and keep them it will work be patient it will take time and you will win. Children feel secure if there is control, it is lack of control that scares them.
@judyt00 (3502)
• Canada
13 Jul 07
I do put them in a corner when they misbehave at home, but they are worse when they are out anywhere, and think they won't get punished.
2 people like this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
13 Jul 07
If this is the case then you have your situation to control them take them out when it is not important, say for an ice cream cone. Tell them we are going out for an ice cream cone, nothing more. As soon as they pull their first stunt, Wheel around and go back home, telling them until you listen to me and behave, we will come directly home.Do this at least three or more times, go out when it is not important to you to do different things,, but is important to them, and when they misbehave point it out to them and go home.I do not care if it is in the middle of a birthday party,or a meal at McDonalds. Make them walk away from what ever it is that they want. You have a perfect opportunity to show them you mean business. Pretty soon they will know that when grandma says something she means it. My daughter saw that my granddaughter listens to me,and now she does the same thing, no more fighting, screaming, and unruly children. You are the adult you are in charge. so you take control.
2 people like this
• United States
13 Jul 07
I was in this same situation. My seven year-old new never listened to a word I said exspecially when an adult of a higher authority was around. I tried everthing from spankings, to just trying to be nice and hoping the same would be returned. What i didn't try was getting down to her level and just asking her to do someething insteaad of commanding it like she was a pet (was recommended by a family friend). If this didn't work i gave her a warning and then followed up by her being put in the corner (a minute for every year). At first this was a shock to her but she got over it. After her time was up but before i took her out the corner I told her wat she did wrong and made her promise not to do it again. Now she listens more and is much nicer to her siblings. I showed love and got it in return.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jul 07
sorry i meant to say my seven year-old niece.
1 person likes this
@judyt00 (3502)
• Canada
19 Jul 07
Time out is definitely starting to work for the youngest, but we put her in the bedroom with the door closed for a few minutes.
@Gemmygirl1 (2868)
• Australia
13 Jul 07
My daughter does very similar things at 13 months, i think you're expecting a little much from the 18 month old - i know they can be terrors sometimes but i dunno if it's acting out - it's not like they can communicate a whole lot anyway. It's hard to say what the problem is but i guess it could have something to do with the way the parents have raised them - not necessarily the fact the couple have split up. I don't think spanking will fix anything & it's a good thing their mother doesn't want them spanked only because i would be REALLY peeved if i found out someone else was smacking my kids - no-one else has the right. Perhaps you could tell your son/daughter (whichever it is) that until the children are better behaved, you wont be taking care of them any more - it might encourage either of the parents to start teaching the kids a little better behaviour :) I have nieces just like this only they're a little older & i wouldn't want to take care of them knowing they have never been disciplined properly - they always get away with everything.
@judyt00 (3502)
• Canada
14 Jul 07
They live with me right now, so its really hard to not take care of them
@cher913 (25862)
• Canada
13 Jul 07
well i would have to say, your house your rules...while i know children are the ones that get hurt when there is a breakup/divorce, they have no right to misbehave as much as they are... i think that you should make it very clear to the mother that from now on, you intend to discipline these kids...sounds like they are not getting much of it at home!
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jul 07
I have to be honest with you. You don't have to tollerate this behavior from anyone. You raised your child already. If she can't find a way to start seting some guidelines don't watch them. The worse thing you can do is to stress yourself out. The child that runs up ahead of you stop taking him out. Let him go out with his mother when needed. Can you imagine being a shopper and having to here this or even watch it. As for the head butter you can start by not picking her up. If she wants to be held don't do it. You can get her out of that in time. If she wants to go she has to walk. Start by taking her to the corner and back. This is not as bad as you think. If she head butts she needs to have a time out. she can always cry herself to sleep. I hate to sound harsh your the grandmother. You want to help them in the long run. Hitting them is an instant gratification. It won't,last long soon they will ask for an azz wooping just get get it over with. good luck and keep the faith..
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Jul 07
Give them to their mother and let her discipline them. Even if the parents broke up, raising their kids is still their responsibility. If the mother does not want you to spank her kids, then she should take the initiative to discipline them herself. As for the little kid who wants to be carried all the time, put her down and let her cry her lungs out. She will get tired eventually and sooner or later will realize that crying will not get her anywhere. People nowadays are so afraid people will judge them if their little kids cry out in public, but what we should realize that discipline starts at a very young age, when they realize that crying wouldn't get them what they want then they will stop. It won't kill them if you let them cry (But it would probably give you and a couple of people a headache but it would definitely save you from future problems)
1 person likes this
@tredale (1313)
• Australia
13 Jul 07
I feel for you judyt00, I think its very hard on kids when there parents are going through a split but my children were ruffly the same age when I split from my ex and I also recieved some of the treatment you are recieving. I had enough in the end and actually ignored them completely. I began by just not taking them out anywere and when they asked for something just didnt hear them. I found that they began doing good things for me to get my attention. I think you need to make it very clear that you wont take them or that you wont take this behaviour. If they want the best from you they need to give the best. Its a two way street and trust me kids of all ages can be taught to be nice people. goodluck I hope you get your real grandchildren back.lol
• United States
13 Jul 07
They need to be taken to a child psychologist to help them deal with their parents' breakup. This kind of behavior is not unusual, but can quickly get out of control if not treated. A psychologist can engage them in play therapy to help them act out their feelings through play rather than bad behavior. From what you describe of their actions, spanking is likely to only make it worse. I have worked for a child psychologist for eight years and have seen this type of situation many times. Divorce is one of the worst things a child can go through. They have experienced a deeply traumatic event. If they broke a leg, you would take them to a doctor. This is no different. PLEASE get them professional help. If you don't, you are setting them up for many years of improper behavior, school failure, low self-esteem and social problems.
@judyt00 (3502)
• Canada
19 Jul 07
No, they don't need a child psychologist, they just need to learn discipline and boundaries, something no psychologist can teach them.
• United States
19 Jul 07
Actually, teaching proper discipline and boundaries is one of the main focuses of a child psychologist when treating behavioral problems.
@judyt00 (3502)
• Canada
20 Jul 07
Sorry, but I took my son to a psychologist for the same reasons. he said my son was perfectly normal and just needed boundaries.
• United States
22 Jul 07
Hey Mrs. Judyt00! I have 5 kids of my own and I absolutely know what you are going through. Since the kids are living in your home you have the right to discipline them. They are your grandkids. If their doesnt want you to discipline them then tell her to take them with her where ever she goes and to find a babysitter if she has to work. If your grandson is old enough then it would be a big investment for you and him to go out alone maye for some ice cream and just talk to him one on one. Ask him why he's acting the way he is. For the 18 month old let her cry her lungs out when she doesnt want to walk or she doesnt get what she wants. I agree with the first person who commented. Take them to Mc Donalds and if they act up before you get there turn back around and go to the house. If your daughter is staying with you maybe the both of you could sit down when the kids are in the bed and come up with a solution and agree on as to how the both of you would agree on disciplining them. My kids try to act up in public and I spank their behinds in public to let them know dont play with me. I hope I was of some sort of help but if not I apologize.
@judyt00 (3502)
• Canada
22 Jul 07
I agree totally with this, and will indeed to exactly this now that DADDY isn't around to screw things up for us. I really think my daughter is afraid to use physical restraints orcorporal punishments because her ex has people watching her so he can try to get custody. last night I think that baby got the worst spanking of herlife, after biting her mother
• United States
22 Jul 07
That was funny. I bet she wont bite her mother anymore. Even when my kids go over their fathers house they know that when they come home what their father let them do that I wouldnt normally let them do is going to stop as soon as they walk in that front door. They have a bed time curfew even on the weekends considering that they are under 6 years old. My twins who are about to turn 2 try to pull off that crying when they dont get what they want and I just let them cry until they get tired. I put them in the room and shut the door and tell them to not come out until they act right and then make them give me a hug. Kids dont like to be ignored and once they know you not paying attention to them they will come around. I must warn you this will take some time. If you are like me my patience is wearing thin. The upside to your story is that they are not your kids and you really dont have to put up with them. You choose to out of the kindness of your heart. Unfortunately for me I have to deal with them. Hooray for grandmothers! You are a great person.
@Geminigirl (1909)
• United States
21 Jul 07
Wow, that is a rough situation. I really feel for you, and sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could be of more help.
@judyt00 (3502)
• Canada
22 Jul 07
I think I found out what the problem is. they just came back from 3 days with Daddy. He just let them run riot, never giving them ANY rules, letting them do whatever they wanted and let them stay up til they fell asleep in front ofsome violent movie he was watching. Then they come home to my housewith rules, and of course rebel. Daddy has gone to another province for at least a month, hopefully longer, so, that gives us that length of time to get them back into some kind of routine, like bed time, andset meal times, and maybe even potty training for the youngest.
• United States
22 Jul 07
Geez. If you can't handle the children get some help. Theyaren't doing anything different than anyone else's children have done. Set firm and consistent consequences for this behavior and it will go away. If you just allow yourself to get exasperated by it all, the children sense this as weakness and will run all over you. All of my children have yelled like crazy when I was disciplining them. I showed indifference to the amount and volume of the yelling, and increased the consequences when it happened. They don;t do it anymore. If you really feel like beating your grandchildren - and I pray that this as just a figure of speech - then you should definitely get some help. Perhaps just a couple of sessions with a professional counselor who can help you step away from the situation and analyze what is going on. I've done it. Alot of other people have done it too. Sometimes, we just need a little help.
@Calais (10898)
• Australia
14 Jul 07
I really dont think that the break up has anything to do with it...It sounds like their behaviour has been aloud to run riot for a while..Obviously they get away with everything and no dicipline..You might need to explain to them that you do not allow this behaviour in your house or prescence, somehow in a manner that they can understand...I wish you all the best.
@IL2Knit (1141)
• United States
13 Jul 07
Oh my goodness. You poor grandma. Your right they need a spanking. They are angry and taking that anger out on the grown ups in the family. They need boundres and the mom isn't giving it to them. Tell her just bc they are apart doesn't mean they can run all over everyone. They will be much happer with rules that are enforced. If you run ahead of us then no TV or computer. If you will not stay in your stroller then you can cry it out in bed. Honestly I would head butt the child right back. When my oldest daughter was biteing I bet her back. Not real hard, I left no marks. Just hard enough so she knew it hurt. How did the kids act before the break up? All the grown ups need to be on the same page with this. Tell them often how much you love them and you are never going away. That you will always be there for them. Try to interest the kids in easy crafts. Coloring, painting, stickers etc.