My mom called my son a RETARD!

@liyan97 (2128)
Northern Mariana Islands
July 13, 2007 5:10pm CST
I am so pissed right now! My mom and step’ dad wanted to do something nice for the grand kids and decided to take them to the beach. My son and second oldest daughter went along with 7 of my niece and nephews. For those who have seen my previous discussion, you already know that my son has a brain disorder and self harms himself most all the time, which is something we are working on with a Therapist and he will soon get to see a Psychiatrist at the end of the month. Anyways, when they got to the beach, my mom instructed my son to take off his t-shirt, which is something my son, hates to do! Why? I really don't know but my son is very self conscious and he does not like to take of his t-shirt even if only at home. He alleged by taking it off, crying the whole time because she kept threatening him, that she would bring him home if he didn't listen. Needless to say the other kids began teasing him calling him sexy and whistling from in the water. My son he got really mad and banged his head on the car and when the other kids kept staring he turned and slapped two of them. They decided to keep the trip short and came home. The minute they got home my mom began talking about how she no longer wants to take my son on any trips with the other kids because he hit them! I asked my son and he explained to me that the kids were teasing him and he felt ashamed without his t-shirt. I then went to explain to my mom the fats of what happened and she simply said “your son is acting like a retard!” I freaked and told her to go to hell! I grounded my son from the television because I don’t allow him to hurt himself nor anyone else, but I am just so mad that my mom would not at lease talk to the other kids about their treatment towards my son, instead she blatantly calls him a retard and blames it all on him! I swear my mom has just gotten on my last nerve and I refuse to bring my kids around her ever again! I am so hurt that she would do that to my son! She knows that he is sick and I expect here to understand not call him names! Nonetheless, at this point, I really don’t consider her as my mother anymore! What would you do if your mom did that to your child?
5 people like this
10 responses
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
13 Jul 07
You have every right to be angry and you have every right to expect more from your mother. What she did in trying to force him to take off his shirt was wrong. By allowing the other kids to tease him was wrong. By blaming him was wrong and by calling him that name, she should have to turn in her grandmother suit. I know that this has hurt you deeply, but you have to put your child first and if she can't treat him with love and understanding compassion, then I would not trust her with any of my children either. My oldest niece use to abuse her triplet sisters and brother, because she was a step child and jealous of them. She did not understand that they were just as much my family as she was. So, when I came around, if I gave them any attention, she would get upset and abuse them and I did not tolerate it. And your mom should not have tolerated a either. Only your mom knows why she mistreats that boy, but if she were my mother, she would have to apologize to me and him and promise never to mistreat him again or she would not be allowed around my children. A grandmother has a big influence on the children and she can cause them all damage from what she does to one. They may have been teasing him and laughing, but believe me, the way she treated him is going to stick in their minds and they may not be so trusting of her either. They know that they would not want to be done like that. She should never have insisted that he take the shirt off in the first place, unless it was absolutely needed. I was abused as a child and know there is nothing worst than having to be around an adult that is not patient and understanding.
@liyan97 (2128)
• Northern Mariana Islands
14 Jul 07
I have always felt like my mom has treated my kids and I differently, but I have never felt the hurt I am feeling now! I can’t believe it! I really don’t understand what I or my children did, to make her hate us so much! I know that hate is a strong word, but what else can I call it? I can’t imagine what my son must be feeling with his disability and now this, my heart aches and I wish he would never have experienced this! I love my children with all my heart and I will do what I feel is best and in this case, I really do not want to see my mom as a part of our family any more. Thank you so much for your show of support, no words can truly express my appreciation.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (14331)
• United States
14 Jul 07
When,I saw the title of your discussion,I was mad at your mom and I don't even know her.Then,I opened your discussion.I don't blame you for being mad.Kid's (including my grown son's) and I have heard adults say it too,call their friends retards,joking around.But,it make's me mad and I don't even have a child with problems.I told my daughter that if I ever hear her say that to anyone I will wash her mouth out with soap.Then a woman says that about her own grandchild! Iam apposed to name calling.Oh my,Iam still shocked.That's horrible! I don't blame you,I would not let her see your kids again.Has she tried to call you since that happened? Have you talked to any of your sister's or brother's ,the parent's of the other children, yet? They should be punished for teasing him.Iam so sorry for you and your son,that is horrible and shocking.Iam sure your daughter is upset too.Remember,you and your son was nopt the only one's hurt,she witnesed her grandmother call her brother a name.She will not see her grandmother again because of her grandmother's behavior.I will pray for you all.
2 people like this
@liyan97 (2128)
• Northern Mariana Islands
15 Jul 07
Thank you so much dfollin for your tremendous support and response. I am truly grateful to be here on Mylot and it is because members like you. I have received so much support thru this discussion and I can never repay any of you, but thank you! I feel a lot better about my decision and about my son. Thank you again i appreciate your prayers and I too will keep you all in ours, if only to thank the lord for bringing you all into my life thru these discussions!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40314)
• Canada
14 Jul 07
I do not know what I would do, but I would make sure that the visits are few and far between. To be mean to a child who already has problems is very cruel. Your son is a child and is not responsible for what he has no control over it and your mother should not have called him a retard or blamed everything on him. Obviously she lets the other grandkids get away with everything. Is there someone you can talk to, a professional or someone? I also think it is cruel for your mother to ban your son from being with his cousins because of his condition. I think in this case retaliation is in order. When you invite any of the family over, do not include your mother and if there is something that kids would like, do not invite the cousins who teased your son. And then tell them why. That might help them see what they did.
@liyan97 (2128)
• Northern Mariana Islands
15 Jul 07
Thank you so much for your advice, I do realize that she is my mother but then I also know that I have to do something to show her that she was wrong! My daughters birthday is coming up and I think I might, no I will just take your advice and not invite her at all. I hope then she can at least apologize.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
14 Jul 07
This is really bad. I am so sorry to hear that an adult can act like this towards her own grandchildren. I would also be s mad that I would keep my children away from her until she learns how to behave. I think you seem like a good person. you ounish your son for his actions, even though you also blame your mom. When a child has a disorder, they do not need it to be rubbed in their face!
2 people like this
@liyan97 (2128)
• Northern Mariana Islands
15 Jul 07
Thank you so much Marie2473 for your response, i agree with you just because my son is different doesn't give her the right to throw it in his face! Thank you again
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16233)
• United States
14 Jul 07
Aargh I would be pi$$ed too. Sorry to hear that liyan! There is no excuse for your mother to say that. Why did she need him to take off his top? he can swim in the beach with a shirt on? I do, my husband does, nothing wrong with it, and because she made a scene out of it, and got him upset, he got teased and took it out on others. I know what it is like to be teased and my first reactions is to lash out too. I know mothers can say the nastiest things and I bet she is just as upset for saying that as you are with her. She handled the situation badly and I know in time, things will calm down again, and you will be able to tell her how upset you were with her calling him names. You need to tell her when you are good and ready because she needs to know that what she said was wrong and the way she handled it was not ok with you either. Those kids need to be told too that teasing hurts others.
1 person likes this
@liyan97 (2128)
• Northern Mariana Islands
15 Jul 07
Thank you so much Maddysmom, for your suportive resoponse. I only hope that she can realize here mistake and atleast apologize.
1 person likes this
@brendalee (6083)
• United States
14 Jul 07
I don't blame you for being mad at your mother. I think i would have done the same thing you did. That was wrong of her to do that to him. I don't blame you for not wanting your kids around her because she could make the situation worse. But she is still your mother and I hate it when family members can't get along. Maybe you could try to write down all your feelings in a letter to her and see if that helps her to understand. BTW, I am a former self-mutilator so I know how difficult it is to understand. Your mom might not know how to handle it.
1 person likes this
@liyan97 (2128)
• Northern Mariana Islands
14 Jul 07
Thank you so much for your suggestive response. I am feeling much better because I know that there are others who support me in this difficult time. I honestly don’t know how to take it anymore I almost believe that this happened because she refuses to accept the fact that my son has a disability. I believe that’s why she spoke those painful words. Our custom is different here, most of the families are to hung up on appearance that they loose site of what is important. That is how my mom is! I guess she would rather name call and point the finger at my son because she so desperately wants him to be like a normal kid! Thank You again, for allowing me to express myself through these words.
1 person likes this
@Shaun72 (15968)
• Palatka, Florida
14 Jul 07
I would feel really upset if my mother called my son that. I don't have any kids but that sounds so unfair to me. I am so sorry she did this. It's like being misjudged.
1 person likes this
@liyan97 (2128)
• Northern Mariana Islands
14 Jul 07
Thank you so much for your response:) You are right, she is misjudging my son! Why? I really don't know. I just can't imagine him going through the same thing ever again. I mean I am not naive, I do realize that we are all going to go thru name calling thru out life but to be perfectly honest, I do expect it from others but never once thought that it would come from my mom.
1 person likes this
@LadyDulce (830)
• United States
14 Jul 07
I would've attacked her, I know it. There's no reason why your mother, your own blood, should call your son ANY names, nor should she ever fail to stand up for him. I used to have the same problem your son does now, and I can tell you, I didn't wear shorts or short sleeves for about 6 years. It's a difficult thing and an unsympathetic, even abusive, grandmother just makes things that much more difficult. She should've at least scolded the other kids. Teasing is never acceptable. It's only funny if EVERYONE laughs. Blessed Be
1 person likes this
@liyan97 (2128)
• Northern Mariana Islands
14 Jul 07
Thank you so much for sharing your story, I can’t imagine what it is like because I have never been through it but just to see my son hurting is enough to break my heart.I hope things get better for you. Again, thank you and may the lord continue to bless you through out your life.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jul 07
Oh, ow! I would take a serious sit down with my mom in order for me to ever consider forgiving her if she called my daughter a retard! That is SO damaging to a child's (and to some extent, a mother's!) self esteem. I certainly hope he didn't hear her comment. Have you talked to her since and tried to find out why she would say something so careless and hurtful (she simply may not have been thinking clearly)?
@liyan97 (2128)
• Northern Mariana Islands
14 Jul 07
Honestly at this point I can’t even stand to look at her, let alone have a “sit down” with her! I really feel like this was enough to shatter any mother and daughter relationship we had. There is no excuse for her statement intentionally or not, I just can’t forget it. Thank you for your supportive response, I know that you are trying to help and you should also know that I appreciate it:)
1 person likes this
• Canada
22 Aug 07
If your mother doesn't want to take him out anymore, he's probably better off without her. Your son does not need the kind of abuse he suffered at the hands of his grandmother, or his cousins. If I were in your situation I'd get my sibings and their kids together with or without your mother, and let them all know that such behaviour is wrong, and that they need to treat your son and all people with the RESPECT that they deserve.