when is it time to draw the line between a friendship or hardship?
By carissa765
@carissa765 (1097)
United States
July 17, 2007 4:04pm CST
yesterday i helped a friend clean her house and oh my god!!!! I was so disgusted! I meen we are friends but I never spend any time at her house she always comes to mine because I can't handle the smell.
I helped her clen yesterday and there was so much stuff on all of her kids' floors that I about puked a lot of times. she has 5 girls 13,11,9,7,and 6. I cleaned the room of her three oldest girls first. There was a pile of clothes in there closet that took up the whole floor when dragged out. everything in the bottom of the closet was clen when it was put in there, but when it came out pesterday it all smelled like dog poop and cat pee. Then there was enough bedding from the rabbits cage on the floor to fill 2 vaccum bags. After we got done with that room, we moved to the hallway. that was a whole nother disgusting story. I found dog turds and dead mice from her cat and two dogs. It was really bad.
The other room shared by the other two youngest girls was up to my knees in trash dirty clothes and dog and cat feces. She has two dogs, one cat, two rabbits, and two snakes.
The living room was even worse if you can imagine. There was trash behind everything and stuffed in everything. We took out 15 bags of trash and that was from the front of the house. We didnt even get to the kitchen the bathroom or the back bedroom.
After all was said and done we had 25 13 gallon trashbags full of clothes that were dirty or had been peed on. I split them with her and told her I woud have them done today.
So I went down there to drop off what I had done and the house was filthy again!!!!!!!!!!!! I coulod not believe it! i WAS SO ANGRY I just dropped the bags turned around and walked away. I have to ask myself is she ever going to learn, or should I just write her off?
I mean my house is not perfect by any means but I do clean it and do clean up after my two dogs. it always smells nice and it looks lived in but not up to my knees in filth..
What would you do in this situation? Do I have the right to say I really think you should do something about your house or not? I DO KNOW ONE THING I WILL NEVER HELP HER CLEAN IT AGAIN!!
4 people like this
9 responses
@Feona1962 (7526)
• United States
17 Jul 07
I would say something..She needs to get rid of all the animals asap..she can't seem to stay ahead with the kids and the animals are just making it worse. This is not healthy for anyone in that house..There is no reason with 5 children that it can't stay clean..She has to consider the health risks of the kids, and herself..Everyone has a right to their own home and how things are done but this is unexcusable..Does she have a disablity that prevents her from cleaning up?..The girls are old enough to help..I would definitely tell her that you are not going to help her anymore and that she needs to change her ways..If she wants to live in filth then go for it, but she has children to think of..She is lucky someone hasn't called on her and the children haven't been taken away..You need to tell her to get her act together..asap..
2 people like this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
No there is no disability to speak of besides just being plain lazy.I went over there again today and she totally had the house disgsting again.I was really dissapointed, she said she was tired of cleaning. I told her that she needed to have the girls help, One was on the computer, and the rest of them were watching television. I have since told her that there will be no more help from me from any aspect.
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
No there is no disability to speak of besides just being plain lazy.I went over there again today and she totally had the house disgsting again.I was really dissapointed, she said she was tired of cleaning. I told her that she needed to have the girls help, One was on the computer, and the rest of them were watching television. I have since told her that there will be no more help from me from any aspect.
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
No there is no disability to speak of besides just being plain lazy.I went over there again today and she totally had the house disgsting again.I was really dissapointed, she said she was tired of cleaning. I told her that she needed to have the girls help, One was on the computer, and the rest of them were watching television. I have since told her that there will be no more help from me from any aspect.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
18 Jul 07
She has 5 kids. That is alot! does she work outside the home?Is she single? Those are important questions that you left out of your story. Not to excuse such filth but it is possible that she is overwhelmed. If she were a good friend other than this one thing, I would not write her off. I would sit and talk to her and all her girls. They are all old enough to be helping out. I would help if they all helped to get a fresh start. If it went back to the same old mess, then I would not help out again. I still would not write her off as a friend...live and let live.
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
Sorry No she does not work outside of the home, and yes her husband is always at work trying to support all of them. I know I will never help again, but I don't know that we will be as close is I tell her all of the problems zI have with her family. I run the risk of being a medling friend. I hope not.
@dfollin (24172)
• United States
18 Jul 07
By no means is my house perfect.I moved here a few months ago and cannot unpack alot of the stuff because I have no where to put everything because I do not have enough furniture.And like alot of kids,my daughter will not clean her room.But,it is not filthy.And with my handicapps I can do some unpacking for awhile then I have to stop and start again later.My mom helps her friend clean her house and they,(her and her husband) are big packrats.They buy things and they sit in the extra bedroom for years never even taken out of the boxes.And her friend never is very gratful for my mom coming over and helping her.And when my mom comes over again it is a mess.Not like you described your friends house thou.I have told my mom to not help her again.And if I were you I would never clean for her again.I would call her and tell her that she obviously did not appreciate your help because she let it get dirty again that fast.See what she says.If she start's going on about her kids did it.Then I would talk to her about getting control over her kids.But,I would never go over there and help again.
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
I dont think that I will be helping anymore. Her kids are always her excuse, and frankly it is getting f%^$ing old. I am tired of people blaming their kids for everything that gets dirty or broken.
@anonymili (3138)
•
18 Jul 07
This is going to sound REALLY awful but the first thing I would say to a friend like that is "STOP BLOODY HAVING KIDS!" She obviously has no idea how to bring up kids so she should really not have ANY more for starters. Then she needs to get her act together and sort out her home good and proper. Does she really want her girls growing up to be slobs like her? I felt sick reading about it never mind how disgusted you felt at having to help her tidy up! Tell her to get rid of the pets too. Seriously what is this lazy woman thinking? Does she want her daughters to grow up and get married and have their husbands leave them in disgust because they have no sense of hygiene? Ugh it doesn't bear thinking about. I can understand why you got so angry and left the stuff there and walked out BUT on the other hand maybe she is going through something you don't know about - possibly depression? Maybe she's just finding it too hard to cope and living in this mess is her way of crying out for help? Think about it that way too - if she is suffering from depression, try to get her to get help before she does something drastic.
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
Yeah but on the other hand she has always been this way, so I would think that depression is far fetched. I mean yeah I do feel like there are some times that she is feeling down in the dumps, but wouldn't you if you had five kids who did not listen to you by no ones fault but your own? I mean she doesn't make them listen. I don't think she understands that you have to be hard sometimes as well as caring. I don't know that she can have any more kids I think they finally took care of that a while back. lol. Thank you for the imput and I will try to keep you posted on what happens and who all gets called.
@ky1119 (698)
• United States
18 Jul 07
I have a friend like that. I used to help her clean her house too, and then I gave up. I just don't go over there. We talk on the phone, and we live in the same apartment building so she comes down here now and then. I'm like you. My house isn't perfect, but it isn't filth. What bothers me the most about it is that the kids aren't learning any better and will live like that as well. I had to stop worrying about it and worry about me. I hope you do the same. I know it's hard.
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
I think that is what I will have to do. She can come back here if she wants, but I will not go inside her home anymore. I am just the type of person who feels it is my personal duty to save the world one person at a time. Thank you. I will keep you posted.
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
18 Jul 07
My mother was a dirty pack rat. What you discribed what close to my mom's house. But nothing with ever come close to mom's house. My mother also had a sever mental illness and was not a well person so there was other things that were just horrible about her house. Once I thought I would help her clean it out but it back fired and she thought I threw out all her good stuff. She couldn't let go of anything and it would eat at her for years that something got thrown out. It would also get messed up the minute you cleaned it. For example, the utensils she would throw in a drawer that overflowed. I cleaned them (most had food left on them or were greasy) and put them in the right spots, spoons with spoons forks with forks etc. It didn't last more than an hour after she came home she did dishes and threw everything in the drawer and never cared that it was cleaned but was worried I threw something out. Also everyone that lived in that house were used to it and didn't care about keeping it clean either. So all the kids never helped out and just threw the junk on top of the piles. I left home at 16 and never would life that gross. Now I am a very clean minimalist and my three childern are expected to do chores.
I wouldn't say anything about what she needs to do. You don't need to live in it and if she is like my mom she will never change. If you are worried about the kids, there is no hope, childern's aid came several times to our house and never took the kids. Even when there was physical abuse, no food, and the house was the worst place I have ever seen in my life. The childern's aid worker sat in the baby puke and on the one spot on the wall you could see over mount filth were used disposable pads. (Mom dried them and diapers out and reused them) and they never took us out of there. So I wouldn't say a thing to her except that you will never clean her house again. Vicki
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
I have no doubt that the children will grow up to be like her, on the same hand I know she loves her children, and would never give them up. My only hope is that they clean up their act and find happiness. Hopes and dreams, they may be empty but they are all I have for those girls.
I think my anal retentiveness came from my mom. When I was younger if she found one thing out of place or under the bed in my closet or anywhere it was not supposed to be she would drag everything out from those spots and dump out all of my drawers and made me start over. That really sucked, I think if maybe she would do something like that they would get the picture, then again maybe not.
@rogue13xmen13 (14403)
• United States
18 Jul 07
I totally understand what you are going through. My niece is the messiest person that I have ever met, and it sickens me to ever have to clean up after her and her son. She is no housekeeper at all. My step-sisters house is even worse. Her house is so bad times, I feel like I could go insane. How the Hell can people live in flith is beyond me? I always keep my house as clean as I can (well, at least the half that belongs to me) and it amazes me how can ever live in a mess?
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
I wasn't much of a housekeeper either, but then I had kids, you would think that her five kids would make her better at it and not worse.
@xfallenxlostx (2074)
• United States
18 Jul 07
That is utterly DISGUSTING! How can someone live in such filth? i just don't understand it. Sure, my house isn't perfect...there is a lot of clutter and whatnot and we DO have animals...but nothing like that! We clean up after our animals! You need to say something to your friend. She needs to know how filthy this is. CPS actually can be called on her, becuase this is NOT a sanitary condition for her daughters to be living in...OR for her. i noticed you didn't mention a significant other...so i am assuming she is on her own. Maybe she just is overwhelmed with life in itself and she just doesn't even want to deal with it. That's not an excuse, but it may be her reasoning. Have a talk with her. She needs to hear that her house is filthy. She needs someone to take a stand.
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
No she does have a husband, but he is almost always at work, or so he says. But the filth has been mentioned, my house is not perfect either, but it sure the heck is cleaner than most, and deffinately hers.
@SnipedYou (37)
• United States
18 Jul 07
You have to tell her to clean her house. Cleaning up the house would make a good living environment for the kids. I'm sure a lot of the girls friends don't like her house because of the filth and if she cleans it up their friends may start coming over. Living in filth will also teach the girls to do that when they are older. It is good to keep your house clean and tidy and that's what the mother should be showing her kids. So I really do think you should tell her to clean the house.
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
19 Jul 07
That is something I really dont understand.The girls and their friends never seemed to be bothered by the filth. Which kinda makes me wonder what their friends live like, but you can't help everybody right? I guess not but I will probably keep trying it is just the type of person that I am. I think the problem is her and her husband have been married for 13 years and they are WAY too comfortable with themselces being slobs and messy that they don't care. There has to be love there cause i tell you what, I know if my husband were like that I would not have married him or I would be gone right away. I do a lot around my house, but my husband is working right now from sun up to sun down, and he helps when he is not working that much. Thank you for the comment and I will try to keep everyone posted on what happens.
