What happens if he wants another baby and I can't give him one?

United States
July 28, 2007 12:27pm CST
Before my spouse and I got married we never planned to have children. But, somewhere along the way we decided that kids were in our future. Well, at least one kid is in our future and present! And, we are so proud of our daughter. For the longest time I didn't think I could have kids, so I guess I am very blessed to have this one beautiful child. She is a real blessing. But, the pregnancy was really tough on my body and I don't think I could endure another one anytime soon. He insists that he is not interested in having another baby either. With that being said, guys are known to change their minds. What's going to happen if he suddenly changes his mind and wants another child before I am ready? I'm not saying that I don't ever want anymore children, but finances are tight as is, without adding one more mouth to feed. This could put a real rift in our relationship. What would you do if your spouse suddenly decided that it was time to have another child and you weren't ready? What if you couldn't physically have any children, but he still keeps insisting? What would you do? What would happen if you wanted another child and he didn't? How could you reach a comprimise?
7 people like this
9 responses
vicki2876
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
29 Jul 07
For us, we both would really want to have another child. I already have three but we would love to have another. But I physically can't have anymore at all, not a chance. So it is out of our control. Considering you are in a marriage though I think you two would have to at least try to compromise to reach a decision together that you both can live with. Cause once you can't anymore the option will be completely closed and you both may lose out. Good Luck Vicki
2 people like this
lavenderbloom
@lavenderbloom (1057)
• United Arab Emirates
29 Jul 07
I think since you have given him a beautiful girl baby, I do nto think that he will ask for more kids. He has to understand your physical health too. It is not in your hands. He should not keep changing his mind. First of all, your husband has not asked for it. It is just your thought. So, get rid of all the thoughts. Just concentrate on your present, love your family, and make them feel secured so that they wont ask more. Let him feel the happiness adn he really wont ask for more. So, remove those unwanted thoughts from your mind and live happily.
2 people like this
jess368
@jess368 (3368)
• United States
28 Jul 07
Well first of all, If your body couldnt handle another pregnancy then it cant handle it. No questions asked. If that is the issue, then you shouldnt have a problem. Now Later if your body could handle it, but you didnt want to have another child, then again it seems like a non-issue. You get to carry the child, and if your not up to it than he has to accept that. If you get pregnant and dont want to be that will cause to much stress on the baby, and tha tcan be dangerous in itself! You shouldnt stress about it, unless he does change his mind. Then you can remind him of how horrible your first pregnancy was and that you want to wait. Who knows by the time he changes his mind you may be ready to go at it again.
2 people like this
carissa765
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
29 Jul 07
I would say in your case just wait until you feel your body is ready, and then deffinately ask your doctor. I have a situation like this my husband knew that I had had a hysterechtomy when we met, and he said that was fine even though he did not have any children of his own. Since then we have married and he still insists that he is fine with it. I believe him but I will always have some sort of guilt that will always be there for him not having his own children. I have two already and he accepts them as his own, so he is saticefied, but I always wondered what would happen if he suddenly changed his mind. Would he leave? would he go to someone else and have an affair until he got a child? So I am in the much same situation as you, but i can't have anymore. period.
1 person likes this
mummymo
@mummymo (23706)
•
29 Jul 07
Well in that situation honey you discuss things and talk them through - if you love each other you will work it out! I had the most awful pregnancy with my eldest and was wary of having more children but when we wanted more it didn't happen! I had to have fertility treatment and faced the very realistic possibility that it wouldn't work! We were all overjoyed when we found out we were going to have my youngest! It is all about being open and talking about your feelings and the best thing for you both! xxxx
1 person likes this
whimsystoryteller
@whimsystoryteller (1743)
• United States
29 Jul 07
In the first place, in your case, your husband seems to be in agreement with you so just keep communicating and don't start looking for trouble. Secondly, if he really loves you and knows how hard the first pregnancy was on you and you truly don't feel like you should go through another, he should respect that. You should never have a child unless you are both agreed to do that. Now, sometimes pregnancies can be unexpected and, in that case, I think you should trust God to help you through it and not expect it to be as hard as the first. Since you've gone through one pregnancy, in all likelihood, a second pregnancy may be much easier and the best thing to do is expect the best instead of the worst. I realize that you and your husband didn't discuss having children but I would highly recommend that anyone thinking about marriage should discuss that thoroughly as well as how that child should be raised. Of course, my perspective is that if two people haven't thoroughly discussed a lot of things and you don't have agreement with your beliefs and goals, etc., you shouldn't get married because it's going to be a problem.
1 person likes this
carlaabt
@carlaabt (3504)
• United States
28 Jul 07
I would make sure he understands the reasons you don't want another child. I know exactly how you feel, though. When my husband and I first got together, we both wanted several children. Three or four anyway. Then while I was pregnant with my son, I had a pretty rough pregnancy, too. It wasn't terrible, but it definitely wasn't the great experience I was hoping for. Now our son is almost a year and a half old, and my husband has been talking about having another baby. I just don't feel like we are ready. We just bought a house, and until we remodel, we don't really even have room for another kid. Sure, it's a 3 bedroom, but there's a door to the outside in the bedroom that we using as a spare now. There's also the money issue here. I don't work, and until we get this last student loan paid off, we are going to be pretty tight on money. We've been talking about it, and I think he's finally seeing things from my point. Maybe in another year or so we will discuss it again, but I'm just not ready right now. If your husband decides he wants another child, just talk to him about it.
1 person likes this
sarahruthbeth22
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
28 Jul 07
If he wants a child but you are not ready, you have to tell him that you are not ready and if you can,tell him when you think you will be ready. That is what should happen if the roles were reversed,if you are ready and he is not.But let's say you both want a baby, go to your doctor and ask about the risks for to carry full term. If your doctor says it isn't a good idea for you carry the baby, there is always surrogate mothers. Your egg and hubby's sperm is carried by a surrogate, The baby is both yours.But if you can't or wouldn't do that, there is always adoption.These days you can have a baby without carrying the baby.But as I said, you have to tell your hubby how you feel about another baby and encourage him to do the same.Good Luck. Take Care.
1 person likes this
crazed_moma
@crazed_moma (1054)
• United States
28 Jul 07
I don't think we'd have that issue here. 5 is plenty;) However, if anything were to happen in this current mariage and a subsequent husband wanted another baby there would be MANY hurdles he'd have to jump. I'm talking maid, him getting up at night and not being scared of changing a poopy diaper every now and again. Bottom line (IMO) you're the one who has to be pregnant and deal with all the fun that comes with that and he needs to be more sensitive to what that does to you. Is he thinking of adoption if you just can't do it?
1 person likes this