Digging up the roots of bitterness planted by seeds long ago.

United States
August 2, 2007 1:01am CST
This past week was a bad one for me mostly because this trying to get everything back on track has been a rough thing but my birthday was last weekend and I was in a very foul mood. My daughter decided to throw me a surprise birthday party and I acted very ungreatful and a total heel. Everyone kept telling me I was being a jerk but I coudlnt see it, to me I just didnt want any party and I had found out by accident. This weekends sermon was on seeds of bitterness and how something can be burried for years and spring up when you dont expect it to hurt someone you love. Well my wife asked me why I was acting this way "is being another year older really so bad", without thinking I said no its nothing to do with age. When she asked me what than I said because I dont like my birthday she asked for a good reason and I said I can give you four. She was quiet and I stood there and it hit me that I still have something burried inside of me that wants to or needs to get out. I said "seeds of bitterness" and she thought of course I was trying to relate it to her and I wasnt I told her these four reasons why I cant stand my birthday. When I was younger 9 years old (I believe) I had a birthday party and I told my stepdad I loved him, that night and he and my mother got into a huge fight in fact he ended up punching her out and the cops came and arrested him. When I was 18 the day before I joined the army my mother told me that my real dad was in fact my stepdad. When I was about 22 my first wife confessed to me how she had cheated on me and a bunch of other things. There was another incident to I would rather not drop out in the open I would say those three would be enuough for anyone to see why it is I have struggled with my birthday. In all this I realised I was being a jerk and not acting like a normal person I went in and appologized (at the recommendation of my wife) to my daughter and told her all the reason I had acted so bad. I also promissed her that if she had a birthday party for me I would try my best to be happy and thankful she cared enough to do something like that for me. Every one cancelled and we ended up just having dinner, cake and ice cream with the immediate family but I had learned a pretty valuable lesson. I had alot of burried bitterness and until that moment I had no idea how bitter I was about it. How about all of you, any of you had things in your past thats spring up to hurt someone you care about without even knowing why you are acting like a jerk?
3 responses
@sunshinecup (7880)
2 Aug 07
Nope you are just weird. KIDDING! Of course, I have many different “seeds”. I will share one with you, I am very bitter because hubby has such a close connection with his mother and it brings me to the point of jealousy at times. I have a love/hate relationship with my mother. I love her cause she is my Mom and I should love her, but if she wasn't my mother, I would never have anything to do with her. She is a hateful woman that competes with me since as far back as I can remember. She is also a self-made victim. She goes out of her way to get her rear into trouble then gripes about me if I don't save her. Anyway... I still tend to make a jerk out of myself towards hubby when he is around his mother. I snap at him and give him attitude over. Don't get me wrong, I work on it but it's a hard fight because that seed has been planted for so long, it's roots are something terrible. I am starting to get some control over it, but it's battle. I just thank God, hubby is a patient and understanding man, cause I think anyone else would toss me to the curb for being like that. It’s just one of my many faults.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Aug 07
Thanks for the reply sunshinecup. I guess we all have issues from our past that spring up from time to time. Have you ever told your husband the reason you are jealous about him and his mothers relationship? Its good to have a spouse that can point out to us when we are acting like a fool without condemning us for it isnt it, patients can go a long way in any relationship.
2 Aug 07
Yeah he knows, we grew up together so he has seen first hand what kind of mother I have. I think that is why he is so understanding. He knows I go through hell trying to balance my sanity with her. I feel I should love her, but man I am not kidding, on some days it's hard. Yet if I lost her today, I think I would try to die with her. Nut's isn't it?
• United States
2 Aug 07
Of course, I'm never a jerk, but don't tell my wife I said that. She could tell you some stories I don't want told. Speaking of wives, I noticed in your story that your wife played a major role in helping you to understand where you needed to change your behavior. Good wives are like that. My wife is a good wife, too. Good luck to you both.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Aug 07
Thanks for the reply. Yes coing up with the solution was where she put in her two cents I am sure if she hadnt of kept "picking at me" I wouldve been a jerk next year also...lol.
@estherlou (5017)
• United States
5 Aug 07
It is amazing how our minds work and how long things can stew around hidden in there without us knowing it! Things we thought were over and done with, can once in awhile jump up and bite us in the butt! Man oh man...being a grownup is hard! LOL! The good thing is, when something happens like this, we can sometimes see what's wrong and then finally take steps to fix it. It sounds like that's what you've done. It's never easy and usually trying to fix past things or thoughts can be quite painful. Avoidance and procrastination is much easier! I'm an expert, myself. Bravo and good luck!
• United States
5 Aug 07
Avoidance and procrastination is a bad habit with me also. But I am trying to close out some of these old things that have been hounding me for years but its not easy. Just like you said something we dont even realise we have issues with. Thanks for the reply btw.